Domestic Goddess in Training

Broken dreams

2012-01-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

We're moving to Spokane. At the end of June. Did you know that already? John got a position at a really awesome partnership, and the job starts July 1st. Having lived there for a year for John's internship before residency, we know that city and feel quite at home there, so we're pretty excited. (Not thrilled about leaving our friends and family here, though.) I know which schools are my top choices for the kids, and we've got a few neighborhoods where we'd prefer to live.

Actually, we flew to Spokane in October for the interview and they set us up with a realtor to show us around. We specifically asked her to show us a house we were dying to see. It's on this road:

This is the mailbox belonging to the house next door:

This is down the road less than 1/4 mile and across the street:

And this is what you see when you walk further down the road on the trail we walked/ran over and over when we lived there. (You know? The one I've blogged about over and over, and over and over. Until you're sick of hearing it. That one.)

We weren't sure what to expect when we looked at the house, but I fell in love instantly. Open floor plan, lots of windows and very bright, ranch style so the kitchen and family room walk straight out to the back yard, tons of yard for the kids to play in, fully fenced.....you get the idea. It was my dream home. John liked it too. And once he excepted the job offer, I helped him to fall in love, too. We came up with a plan to build a pool/guest house, and I moved in mentally. I practically have the pictures hung and the clothes put away in the closets. We offered on the home in December, on the advice of our realtor, just hoping to secure it even though we can't close until May 1st at the earliest. Not surprisingly, that was too far off for the seller and they declined our offer. So we've watched the house daily and kept our fingers crossed that it would stay on the market.

And it did! Until yesterday. The new buyers closed on the home yesterday. Someone bought my house. My dream house. I'm shattered.

But I knew there was a good chance this would happen. I knew it was dumb to allow myself to fall so head-over-heels in love. I realized that I might end up right where I am. :(

I'm OK. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity. Now I get to go house shopping. Not that I haven't looked at every single home for sale in Spokane on the internet a million times already. Every.Single.One. But who knows what will come on the market before we move? And there are some other good possibilities. We'll end up in a lovely home and we'll be happy. I just know it.

But I can't say that I won't drive by that house when we get there and think about what might have been...

I think I can, I think I can.....

2012-01-26T15:07:00.003-07:00

In high school I played field hockey. We usually ran a few miles before practice, then spent the hours of practice running drills. I played right wing, which meant I spent every game sprinting up and down the side of the field. I was in good shape. Like we all were in high school, right?

After high school, I headed down to BYU, where I lived in the dorms. My roommate was one of my best friends, and we quickly made friends with girls on our floor. We'd all go to the BYU track and run together. We were worried about the "freshman 15." (And for good reason. I definitely gained those 15 pounds in the first year!)

Sometime since then, I decided that I'm not a runner. Partially because I always hated running. And partially, I think, because my husband is a runner. He runs really far, really fast, and who can keep up with that? I started having babies, and walking with the stroller. When we moved to Spokane for a year, I became a hard-core walker, even walking the famous Bloomsday race with the double stroller. I was officially a walker, and swore that I'd never run again.

When we moved back to SL, I tried to keep up the walking. But it was hard. I'd have to drive to get to a decent trail, and my neighborhood is mostly flat streets and really ugly houses. (Really!) Not so fun when I was used to this. I had a few more kids, and pretty much stopped exercising. And for some reason (cue sarcastic voice) I gained more weight than I ever imagined I would. Luckily, I have an awesome friend who's a devoted runner, and who runs Ragnar every year and loves it. Her enthusiasm and repeated attempts to get me to join her team, along with my desperation to get back in shape, convinced me to sign up for her team for the upcoming race in June. Darn you, Becky!

I mapped out 2 different routes that both, coincidentally, came out to 1.3 miles. The first time I ran, my only goal was to do it without stopping. And I did! I was shocked that I could do it, and so excited! That was a few months ago. I've been trying to run or workout on our elliptical machine 2 or 3 times a week since then. I haven't been terribly successful, but I'm trying. This month, I finally dared to try two laps of my route, and I was once again amazed that I could do it without stopping. So my new distance is 2.6 miles, and I'm not going back.

As I ran yesterday, I felt the same disdain for running that I always have. I get so nervous when I'm running, like I felt when I ran track in junior high. I would love to stop at any second and just be done. I can't catch my breath, I feel like it's hard just to pick my feet up for each step. But in my old age and maturity, I'm learning to see running differently. For one thing, I need it. I need to retrain my body to move and be strong. And I'm grateful that I can do it - that I don't have injuries or illness that keep me from being mobile. Most importantly, I see it as a test of will. It's completely mind over body, and I feel like a stronger person for every mile that I push my body to run without giving up. That's the strength that I really need - to know that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

So I now declare myself a runner. I have a lot of learning and growing to do, and I may never say that I love running. But I love the feeling I had when I finished another 2.6-mile run yesterday. I can do this!

Gratitude #1

2011-11-16T11:13:00.006-07:00

I've been enjoying reading on Facebook and blogs about all the things my friends are grateful for. It wouldn't be right for me to remain silent, when I've been blessed with so much. I chose today to start because I'm having a particularly difficult time feeling good about things. My two youngest have been sick for a few days now with a croupy cough and high fevers. On Monday night it hit me, too, and the past 2 days have not been very fun. So in an attempt to quit feeling sorry for myself, here's a list of things I'm thankful for right now:

My husband, who came home to a disaster last night and immediately took over caring for the babies so that I could drag my sick body and the big kids to karate. He somehow managed to clean the kitchen while I was gone, and it has made all the difference today!
The break we've had from sickness in our house for quite a while. The big kids have been battling colds for the last 2 weeks, but nothing major. We haven't had a huge family illness for what seems like months. I have to be grateful for that!
A sister who will let me whine to her on the phone about how hard it is to be a sick mom with sick kids! Poor me, right? Thanks, Cassie. :)
The cute things kids say. Last night it was all I could manage to strap the kids into car seats and go get tacos for dinner. As we walked into the house with our bags of fast food, Aidan said to me, "Mom, you're good at getting tacos!" And he gave me a big hug. My heart broke for how sweet he is and how uplifting that should be, and for what a lame mom I am. We've been eating out way too much recently.
And for this: This not-so-great picture was taken on my phone in the dark. My poor sad babies have finally gone down for naps (fingers crossed that they'll stay asleep!) and I'm going to attempt to shower so I can be presentable at parent-teacher conferences today. Hurray for showers!

Monday Night Musings

2011-08-08T21:35:00.002-06:00

Wow! More than 2 months since my last post! I'm hoping that school starting and getting back into a routine will mean more blogging. Hoping.
Speaking of school, I'm a little nervous for the kids to go back. (This year I'll have one in high school (seriously, high school!!!), one in 2nd grade, one in kindergarten, and one in preschool - I haven't decided if I'm doing preschool myself or sending the crazy one to someone else.) I set unreasonably high expectations for myself, and the return to routine makes me think I should suddenly be able to move mountains on a daily basis. I need to cut myself some slack. We'll see about that...
I love Kohl's a little more each year. Last year my 30% off coupon came at back-to-school time and saved me big bucks on junior high wear. Today I realized that my 20% expired yesterday, and my new 20% starts Wednesday. I planned to wait until Wed until I realized that Kohl's cash ends tomorrow. So I was bold enough to go in and ask if they'd let me use one today, and the cashier said yes. She had no idea what she was getting herself into! I came back in with 6 kids (my soon-to-be-high-schooler needed his best friend, AKA wardrobe consultant, with him) and returned to her 2 hours later - yes TWO HOURS later - with enough clothes to earn me $100 in Kohl's cash. Please don't do the math or you'll most likely vomit. Needless to say, it was worth asking to use the coupon today!
Two hours in a department store with an 18-month-old and an almost-3-year-old is enough to make a mom lose her mind. However, watching the other kids bask in new clothes bliss almost makes up for it. The oldest is trying to change his look for high school, and is putting way more thought into it than I ever realized boys do. It's fun to watch him stress out over it. And it's even more fun to watch the middle kids change outfits and run around in new shoes with new backpacks on.
I'm a better mom to babies than to older kids. I remember Amy saying one time on her blog that she can do babies. And I agree. Bottles, diapers, even teething, are pretty straight forward. Trying to comfort a screaming baby can be frustrating, but a lot of things can be fixed with snuggles and hugs and kisses. I thrive on that physical closeness. But snuggling doesn't fix the problems between parents and older kids. The last two weeks have brought pretty big confrontations with my two oldest, and I don't feel like I know how to handle it. In the end, I stood my ground and tried to be reasonable but firm, and things calmed back down. But I was a wreck emotionally. Will I ever learn to deal with the turmoil of older kids without letting it ruin me inside? I sure hope so.
I am blessed to have three sisters, and I adore each of them. I got to spend time, as much as we could fit in, with my sister Stephanie this summer while she was here for her husband's summer internship. They've been living in Florida for a year now, and the distance seems impossible. I was so excited to have her back, and we made some wonderful memories while she was here. And right as Steph was leaving, my youngest sister Cassie drove here from Iowa. She saved my life by staying with me for five days while my hubby was out of town. We had a blast, and she helped me start some projects I may never have started without her. She's a sweetheart! And then there's my sister Julie, who recently helped me to organize 2 cupboards in the kitchen that were disastrous, and my sewing stuff in the basement. I'd show you before and after pictures, but you would die if you saw the mess I've been living with!
Little Caesar's is way cooler than I ever thought. The cashier today gave us little bags of cookies, which I didn't even know they had, for each of my 5 kids, and then took the time to blow up balloons for them. The little ones were tickled, and my oldest and his friend shared the helium in one of them to make funny voices on the way home. I'm probably a bad mom for letting my kids inhale helium, but I purposely didn't ask for 6 balloons because I knew that's what they'd do with theirs. I figured half a balloon each wouldn't hurt my conscience as much as a full one. I know - I'm weird.
I'm starting to realize that life would be easier if I would just slow down. I could keep things cleaner if I'd slow down and finish each task before moving on to the next. And I wouldn't feel so frazzled all the time. But it's really hard with 5 kids, each of them pulling me in a different direction at any given moment. And I always have a million things I want to get done. I think with the return to school and routine, I'll make slowing down my focus for a while and see if I can make it stick. Wish me luck.

Sunday is.....

2011-06-05T23:52:00.002-06:00

a day of rest. Or is it?
a constant attempt to keep peace. I start with music to set the tone, and with a lot of patience. Eventually the music gives way to unauthorized cartoons and video games, and the shouting of fighting children, and my patience wanes.
constant strategizing. Whom to dress first? How soon before leaving? My babies can destroy themselves, the house, and the rest of the kids in a matter of minutes if I turn my head.
a huge mess. Try as I might, I can't keep order on Sunday mornings. The kids wreak havoc on our kitchen while they eat breakfast......about 10 times between 6 am and 11. I swear I try to stuff them with their first breakfast, but they think they'll starve to death if they don't repeat the process 5 times before church! And believe me, I don't want hungry kids on my hands for the first 70-minute meeting at church.
nagging, nagging, nagging. "Get dressed!" "Why don't you have your shoes on?" "Did you get your stuff ready to go?" "GET IN THE CAR!!!"
one giant wrestling match. From the baths, which are inevitable for at least the little ones, even if they've had baths Saturday night, to the fighting on of dress shirts, vests, ties, etc, to the buckling of carseats, to the time on the bench for that first 70 minutes. If I'm not trying to hold one squirmy little one and keep him quiet, I'm holding onto 2 and reaching for a 3rd, who might be as old as 5 or 7 and should know better than to create the disturbance he/she is creating!
physically exhausting due to the previously mentioned wrestling match.
emotionally exhausting. Far too much frustration, disciplining, begging and pleading, questioning looks from those around us, imagined criticism from the onlookers, and beating up of myself for the loss of patience, raised voice, and complete inability to handle it all.

I take 5 kids to church by myself. Every other week, we add a sixth when we bring my stepson's 10-year-old brother. I choose to do this, so I don't feel like I have a right to complain. Then there are days like today, when I invite another mom to bring her kids to church by herself. She's been wanting to get back to church for months now, and just needs a little help coaxing the kids. (Why do I think I can help? I can't even get my own family there in one piece!) Unfortunately, it's a 6-kid day, my baby has been up all night sick and crying, my 2-year-old is up to his usual tricks, and my husband is out of town. And to top it all off, both babies fall asleep on the way to church. Of course church time coincides with nap time, and waking a super tired baby at nap time results in screaming and a very grumpy child. So can I possibly wake 2 babies and drag them into church by myself? No!

I sent the big kids in without me, meaning that I kind of abandoned the friend I was supposed to be sitting with, although it worked out in the end. But I melted down completely and had to reenter the building later with swollen, tear-stained eyes and groggy babies. I thought it might finally clue someone into the fact that I'm in over my head, but no such luck. Next week I'm in charge of sharing time. Pray for me......

A list

2011-05-09T16:13:00.007-06:00

There's a lot I'd like to blog about right now, but if I'm going to get it out there, it'll have to be abbreviated. So here's a list of the things on my mind, in no particular order:

I started a diet, specifically, the South Beach diet. Have you tried it? I'm not a diet person. I've tried counting calories a few times (with no real success as far as weight loss goes). And remember Body for Life? I did that for a long time back when it was popular. Now days, I prefer to exercise and eat reasonably and leave the scale out of it. Unfortunately, that took a bad turn lately and my poor eating habits, total lack of exercise, and a certain medication led to a weight gain that I can't live with. Rather than continue down the path to obesity, which is a real possibility, I decided I'd better turn things around. I've completed a full week of phase 1 of the diet, which pretty much eliminates all sugar, including fruit, and limits carbs to vegetables. So I'm on a protein & veggie diet. A week ago I would not have believed that I could go 7 days without sugar of any kind, but I did it people! Yay for me! And I feel so good! I'm trying to change the way I think about food so that I can make this a lifestyle change, rather than a quick weight loss scheme that ends in gaining it all back. (This does not mean I'll be giving up sugar for life. Let's not go crazy here!)

So you know that weight gain I mentioned? I hate to even admit this, but I can't fit into any of my shorts or capris from last year, and I've been really upset about it. Today I decided to get over it and get myself some clothes that fit. One trip to my favorite store, Ann Taylor Loft, and a couple bucks later, and I now have a few pairs of shorts and some cute capris that actually go over my hips and don't cut off my circulation. I feel better about myself already, and I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to go up sizes and sizes to find things that fit. And I got some really good deals! The shorts & capris were only $25, and I had a coupon that dropped them to $21. Awesome!

I've been reading lately. It feels amazing! I have had to let things go even more than usual, but I love the escape into a good book. It's been worth it, too. I'm almost done with The Poisonwood Bible, a favorite of my good friend Becky that I've been wanting to read for years. I highly recommend it if you haven't read it already!

I haven't sewn in ages, partially because of the reading. I feel guilty doing anything that doesn't work toward a cleaner home or happy family members (excluding myself, of course), so reading has trumped sewing. Until Friday, when I stumbled upon a new blog. I found some really cute tutorials on Made by Rae. This is the Buttercup Bag: The tutorial is free and it sews up really fast! I'm going to take it apart and add some fusible fleece to make it a little sturdier, but it was a fun project that got my creative juices flowing and made me smile. If you're interested, I'm considering buying the license to sell this and another of her bags, so I'd love to make you one. :)

I was feeling crafty after sewing my new purse, and I realized that I was in charge of sharing time Sunday, aka Mother's Day. So I decided to have the kids make tissue paper flowers for their moms. Little did I know the men were planning on taking over primary for the third hour of church. (Soooo glad they did! But maybe they should have told us?) I had to rush through the flowers with the little kids, and the older kids who wanted them stayed after for a minute to make them. I'd planned for 3 flowers per child, so if you want to make tissue paper flowers, come on over! I've got a lot of extra tissue paper squares, all cut and ready to go...

My Mother's Day was good. I slept for a few extra minutes while my hubby made breakfast: waffles for the kids and eggs and bacon for the dieting wife. I got flowers. (Yay! I love flowers!) And we went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse, because I looooove steak, and I can eat it on my diet. Plus, I didn't have to cook or clean up. Perfect! Also, since I actually got to go to Relief Society with the other women at church, I was privileged to hear some inspirational thoughts about mothers. My favorites came from a neighbor of mine who is always kind and supportive. She told all of us moms with young kids that she remembers how hard it was to be in our shoes and that she knows how hard we work and how hard we try to be good moms. It meant a lot to me. I often feel, especially at church, like women who've already raised their kids are watching me and wondering why I don't have it more together. Her words were exactly what I needed.

Mother's Day is also a sad day in our home. It's a strong reminder of Tanner's loss, now almost 3 years ago. I held him and tried to comfort him for the first hour of church. He finally decided to go home, and I stayed with my tear-stained face. My heart broke for him. I can only imagine how sad I would have been yesterday if my mom weren't around anymore, and I'm 35. He's only 14, and it's just not fair. That's about all I can say about that. Tanner did wish me a happy Mother's Day later, and that made me feel really good.

My favorite gift yesterday was one that Katie made at school. Here it is: I love that I'm 7 feet tall and weigh only 80 pounds. But my favorite part is that I don't like to clean. She wrote that because every time I ask the kids for help around the house, they tell me they don't like to clean and get an earful from me about how much I enjoy it. But it was quite comical reading that I don't like to clean, sitting in my disaster of a house. I let things go a lot this weekend, and it was just perfect timing. I'm excited to find this when I'm 65 and remember what things were like now.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day! Thanks for dropping by!

Washing the clothes is fun to do...

2011-04-18T14:20:00.008-06:00

...fun to do, to do, to do. Drying the clothes is fun to do, to do, to do, to do. At least now that I've added these babies to my appliance collection! Meet my new washer:

and my new dryer:We've had the same washer and dryer since we got married, when my mother-in-law was sweet enough to buy us a brand new pair. For years now, John's been suggesting that we get new machines, and I've turned him down because ours have had zero problems. Zero! (I found out how amazing this is when we started researching online and reading horror stories of breakdowns and repair bills.) Then my mom and sister surprised me with a laundry room makeover for my birthday. They commented that my washer is one of the smallest they've seen, and no wonder I'm always behind on laundry! So we began our search for new machines. John read every review of every washer and dryer in the U.S. and combed KSL and Craig's List nightly for a few weeks. Finally we headed to Home Depot to look for ourselves. We decided what we like, and what capacity and features we needed. We were lucky enough to find both machines on KSL from two different stores. The washer is used, but I can't even tell, and the dryer is brand new. And the good news is that we spent the same amount for both that we would have for just one at the store. Hurray!

I've never minded laundry. In fact, once Katelyn was born, I thought it was fun to fold her cute little clothes into little pink piles. Now my piles are mostly black and blue, but I still don't mind the washing and folding. (Especially since folding laundry is a great excuse to sit down for a second and watch Dancing With the Stars!) What I can't stand is putting it all away. Seriously, I've got piles for seven people, plus all the associated towels, sheets, blankets, etc. It drives me crazy!

But before I get to that awful putting-away step of the process, I now get to load up the washer with 3 times what I could fit into the old one, put the detergent in the cool little drawer on the front, watch it figure the load size and marvel at how much laundry constitutes only 3 of 4 bars, try to guess exactly how many minutes the machine will tell me the cycle will take, and then listen to the cute little song the washer chimes at me when it's done. Then I get to load the dryer up and decide which of my settings to use and wait for its cute little song. Fun fun!

Oh, there's the chime now..........time to switch loads!

Sometimes I feel like a sad song.....

2011-04-08T12:52:00.002-06:00

(Do you know that song by John Denver? LOVE that song!) As usual, I've been dying to post on my blog, but I'm torn. I don't want to be that person you know who always complains about some ailment and never seems to be doing well. So I've settled for being the person who smiles and says she's doing well and doesn't offer any details. Which is better? I think most of the time the latter is best - usually when people ask how you're doing, there's not time to go into detail, and no one wants to hear a negative response. (I can just hear Eeyore's glum voice in my head.) However, yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine. She recently suffered a miscarriage, and we were sharing our stories. She said that a lot of people "suffer in silence." I wanted to scream out something, anything. I have felt like that for so long now! I know I've mentioned it here more than once, but I just don't dare talk too much. And when I'm with my close friends, I don't want to talk about it because I feel uplifted by their presence. What's the point in dragging myself back down and taking them with me? The only people I really discuss my depression with are those who have suffered or are suffering themselves and can understand. I do talk to my husband about it, but I think it gets old for both of us. What husband wants to come home every day to hear the same old story of his wife's depression and how black everything is? Besides, when he's home I tend to feel better. I get a reprieve from handling the kids by myself and I don't feel so lonely. Plus, he does his best to make me laugh constantly, and he's good at it! So where am I going with all of this? Today I'm talking about it - my depression. Yes, I'm still seeing a counselor and taking meds and trying to change my thought patterns. And there are days, even a week at a time, when I feel much better. Unfortunately I've been in a real slump this past week, and feeling almost worse than before. (I'm sure going back to the 69-degree weather and sunshine would help!) So instead of suffering in silence, I'm sharing my feelings. One of my favorite songs is Ghost by Indigo Girls. I've turned to this song over and over since I first heard it during my freshman year at the Y. It has meant different things to me at different times. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

There's a letter on the desktop

that I dug out of a drawer -

the last truce we ever came to

in our adolescent war.

And I start to feel a fever

from the warm air through the screen.

You come regular like seasons,

shadowing my dreams.

Well the Mississippi's mighty,

and it starts in Minnesota,

at a place that you can walk across

with five steps down.

And I guess that's how you started,

like a pinprick to my heart,

but at this point you rush right through me

and I start to drown.

And there's not enough room

in this world for my pain.

Signals cross, and love gets lost,

and time passed makes it plain.

................

And I feel it like a sickness,

how this love is killing me.

But I'd walk into the fingers

of your fire willingly,

and dance the edge of sanity,

I've never been this close.

Unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you

pierce my spirit, but I can't touch you.

Can you hear it - a cry to be free?

I'm forever under lock and key,

as you pass through me.

......................

...as I burn up in your presence

and I know now how it feels

to be weakened like Achilles,

with you always at my heels.

And my bitter pill to swallow

is the silence that I keep.

It poisons me, I can't swim free,

the river is too deep.

You are shadowing my dreams.

OK, I feel like I've massacred the song, just including the pertinent lyrics. But I wanted to share with you one of my favorite songs, at the same time giving you a really good idea of what's going on in my head. Seriously, these words are just perfect for how I feel! (I'd include a link so you can listen to it, but I don't know how.) I totally understand the power of music. I've thought more than once that maybe instead of finishing my piano performance degree I should get a degree in music therapy, or some such thing. Music can be so powerful in affecting our moods and making us feel better, or worse. this song is at the top of my cry-my-heart-out-to-it songs. (You know what I'm talking about.) But I can only listen to it when I'm having a good cry, or when I feel great and want to do some top-of-my-lungs car singing. If I'm feeling even a little down, it'll bring me down further. That's when I go to my happy songs. I'll share one of those with you next time.......

Body Image Dissonance

2011-03-03T14:24:00.003-07:00

I have always loved TLC's What Not to Wear. I love to shop, so of course there's the part where you get to watch someone shop in cool stores in Manhattan. Then there's the hair and makeup segment, which is definitely my favorite. I really do follow Carmindy's makeup tips when they're doable. And boy do I wish that Nick Arrojo or Ted Gibson would give me a super cute haircut that suits my face and personal style perfectly. Oh, the fun of living vicariously through people on TV! And I swear to you that Stacy and Clinton really care about helping people to feel comfortable and happy in their bodies. If only I could accidentally run into them shopping. I'd ask them for a few tips and they'd tell me what a rockin' bod I have and show me some hints to make it look even better. Ahhhhh.....

Last night the show introduced me to a mommy blog I didn't know exists, parenting BY dummies. I checked it out and read the last couple of entries. Amanda's writing comes across exactly as mine sounds in my head - sarcastic and self-denigrating, but humorous at the same time. That and the fact that she's super cute and always smiling, and writes about being a mom and has three little boys, will make me a regular reader I think. One of the things Amanda seems to talk about frequently on her blog is the issue of body image. This prompted me to think about my own body image, and I think I made a discovery. I have two very separate, and very opposite, trains of thought when it comes to how I feel about my body.

On one hand, after 35 years of being me, I finally feel at peace with what I look like. I can even tell myself that I like what I see in the mirror, that I'm beautiful (on a good day). I'm OK with the wrinkles that are beginning to deepen. I no longer think I need a nose job, despite the 2 times my nose has been broken by one of my children. I don't ever want a face lift. I've accepted the fact that going gray early is a family trait, and I can deal with it. (Thank goodness my sister is a hairdresser!) I am no longer plagued with "bad hair days" like I was in high school and college. My hair is what it is, whether it's perfectly straight and shiny, cute and curly, or pulled back in a greasy messy pony tail because I don't have time to worry about it and who the heck cares! I can run to Walmart with no makeup on and not care who sees me or what anyone thinks. (Although I have wondered if I should check peopleofwalmart.com for pictures of myself. Nah, I probably don't want to know...) Or I can get all dolled up, put on a pair of skinny jeans and my cutest boots, and go out with my husband, all the time strutting my stuff and knowing that, while I'm not a skinny little 20-something hotty, I've got it going on! See, I'm pretty comfortable in my skin. And I think by the time we reach our mid-thirties, we deserve to be.

But on the other hand, I've got serious issues with my weight. I am at the heaviest I've been if you don't count pregnancies. I feel things jiggle when I move that have never jiggled before. I want to vomit every time I feel my thighs rubbing when I walk. (Seriously, I remember losing weight after baby #2 and getting to the point where my thighs didn't touch anymore. Oh, the bliss! [And probably way too much info. Sorry! And sorry for the parentheses within parentheses.]) I cringe when I hear the term "muffin top" - it just hits too close to home. I see liposuction commercials and I start thinking up ways to come up with the money. And yes, I realize that diet and exercise really are the best ways to deal with these issues. But right now, I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I will get back to working out. And I will learn a better way to deal with my emotions than to eat them away. Really, I will. And I don't mean any of this in a "poor me, I'm so fat" kind of way. I've simply gained weight and I don't like how it feels.

So you see the dissonance now. I feel like I'm finally comfortable with my looks, and yet I'm completely uncomfortable in my body. Interesting.

Now back to the show. Watching Stacy and Clinton with Amanda last night reminded me of something that I know all too well. I feel better about myself when I take care of myself. My mood is better when I have on a cute outfit, or at least matching clothes that aren't sweats or jammies. And doing something, anything, to my hair and putting on a little makeup does wonders for my self esteem. It's funny. Really, I don't think about it or care when I'm interacting with people at stores (like Walmart, where I may or may not be being photographed), but when I look decent, I feel better no matter where I am, whether anyone else can see me or not. So today I washed my hair, diffused it so it's got some bounce and curl to it, put on a touch of makeup, and I'm wearing jeans and a real top - not the cutest, trendiest clothes I own, but clean (that's important!) and reasonably cute to me. And I feel better than I have all week. Yay me! And thank you, What Not to Wear, for wanting me and everyone else out there to feel good about ourselves!

See, my TV addiction isn't all bad.........

Mondays

2011-02-28T21:43:00.002-07:00

Do you know how much surface area a gallon of milk covers? Well trust me when I tell you that you don't want to know. I thought I was getting ahead by running to the grocery store right before dinner time, especially since I only had one kiddo with me. The shopping went well -- five-year-olds can be really helpful when they're with mom one on one. And I was getting everything I need for this week's menu. Yay! Except five-year-olds are also prone to clumsiness. Hence, the gallon of milk that slipped out of Carter's hands and immediately burst open when it hit the ground. Let's just say that the spill extended past the gum and candy bars to the beginning of the checkstand, and was starting to drown me where I stood, next to the counter, trying to quickly unload the cart so we could get it out of the way. The clerks were sweet and helpful, and even got me a new milk to replace the one covering the floor. I was oh so apologetic and felt bad about all the trouble. And really, that's all I needed to cap off my Monday.

Here's to hoping tomorrow goes better........

Hello....again. Hello.

2011-02-02T16:11:00.004-07:00

(Can you hear Neil Diamond singing that phrase? And the whole rest of the song? Keep it playing in your mind....)

Three years ago I wrote this post about clawing my way back up after a particularly difficult winter. I'm feeling much now like I did then - like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like maybe I can start to handle my life again. Except this time I've been hiding away, buried in the depths, for a year or maybe 13 months. I had Zach a little over 13 months ago, and I could tell within a few weeks of having him that I was not coming out of the normal baby blues and hormonal chaos of having a baby in a reasonable amount of time.

Things changed drastically when Zach was born. There's the whole going from 4 kids to 5 thing, and having two boys only 16 months apart. I went from very little sleep (the 16-month-old has never really slept through the night) to almost no sleep at all. And I became somewhat of a hermit. I quit doing my preschool music group, which was a good decision because I could not have handled it! And I stopped going to story time at the library, or the library at all for that matter. I did take one trip with the kids to the library shortly after Zach was born. I had the baby in the Moby wrap, and Aidan decided to flip out. It was a terrible experience, and I haven't entered a library with my children since. Before Zach, I felt like I ran from one place to the next constantly. We always had something to do and somewhere to be. After Zach, everything seemed too difficult. I planned to start going to my friends' preschool music classes and enjoy someone else doing all of the planning and organizing while I simply attended to my kids. Yet I haven't made it to a single one. Turns out there's no "simply attending to" energetic boys ages 1, 2, and 5. I've stopped almost completely doing the things that I enjoy. I rarely, if ever, play the piano. I don't sew nearly as often as I'd like. I don't read at all. And obviously, I haven't been blogging.

There have been times I've just wanted to scream out loud, "Please help me! I can't handle this!" But most of the time I prefer to remain silent, to smile and say I'm well when people ask me at church. I know I've mentioned a couple times on my blog that I'm struggling, but it really seems whiny. After all, what can anyone else do for me anyway? I don't even know what to do for myself!

I've tried a couple of medications and I think I've finally found one that's working for me. I also added counseling a few months ago, which is probably the most helpful thing. And I finally feel like I'm turning a corner. Things that seemed nearly impossible to me a few months ago (like keeping my kitchen clean for longer than 5 minutes) seem much more do-able now. I even read an entire book in January, and I'm working on finishing another.

So I'm slowly working my way back into life. I started a baby blanket today - one of my favorite activities! And here I am.......blogging! Wow, I've missed this. Of course, don't expect too much too soon. I still have catastrophes like this to deal with every ten minutes or so, so I'll be kind of busy for a while:

Zach is quite proud of himself for climbing into the toilet. I'm hoping taking pictures and laughing my head off won't reinforce the behavior!

MFT #4: FlyLady

2010-12-07T22:08:00.002-07:00

There's nothing better than a clean house. Don't you agree? I love to walk into my bedroom and see my bed made and everything in its place. And it's soooo nice to walk into the kitchen and see a clean floor, gleaming counters, and a bright shiny sink.

I decorated my house for Christmas yesterday - we even got a tree and decorated it for family night! - and I used it as an excuse to do a deep cleaning in the living room. I vacuumed under and behind furniture, scrubbed our microfiber (thank goodness for microfiber!) couch and recliner, and polished the piano and end tables. I cleaned all of the glass and every nook and cranny. Man, it feels so good!

I try to keep up on this stuff, but I've felt very overwhelmed since having Zach almost a year ago. With a baby who's been walking for a few months now and getting into EVERYTHING, and a 2-year-old who also gets into everything but has learned more tricks and can cause enormous disasters in mere moments, I've got a lot going on. I'm really struggling to keep up. Enter FlyLady.

Some of her tips are pretty elementary, but I like the routine she suggests and it really helps when you're feeling like you're in over your head like I am right now. To make it more fun, my sister Cassie is doing it with me. We're doing the beginner baby steps together and we talk and text to keep each other updated. It helps to have a partner to report to.

So I assume that most of you have your act together enough that you have no need for such things. But I have to admit, because I like to keep it real, that I don't. But I want to. I reeeeaaaallly want to. So I'm working on it. And things are getting better.

Just in case, though, give me a call before you drop by. :)

MFT #3: Bath & Body Works

2010-12-04T23:20:00.003-07:00

I didn't go out and shop the day after Thanksgiving. I just couldn't bear the thought of fighting crowds and standing in long lines. But I did some Black Friday shopping........online. This was a first for me. But I got the same stuff - probably more selection because they're less likely to be out of stock online than in the store, at least I would think. I got the same sale prices, and free shipping. Yay for me!

My box came yesterday, full of the essentials : a new wallflower - the Christmas tree shape because it looked too cute to pass up, body lotion and shower gel, wallflower refills, and of course soaps of all different scents.

There was a time just a few years ago when I was unfamiliar with this store that is now one of my favorites. I would wander in with my sister or a friend while at the mall, but never bought anything. I didn't know what I was missing!

My favorite B&B scent is sweet pea. I have sweet pea wallflowers, soap, lotion, shower gel, and even a scentportable for my van. Maybe I have a bit of an obsession. Hey, maybe I should be getting paid for this post! (hee, hee)

So now I want to know.........do you B&B, and if so, what are your faves?

MFT #2*: Texting

2010-12-03T13:03:00.004-07:00

John and I got new phones earlier this year. In the space of a day, I went from non-texter to textaholic. OK, that's probably an exaggeration, but I really enjoy having the option to send a text. I have to admit that I have a small case of phone phobia. I get really nervous when I have to make a phone call. Making visiting teaching appointments, for example, freaks me out. Calling around looking for a babysitter is torture! (When I was in 6th grade I needed to get a pet to keep in our classroom at school and my mom made me call a pet store to see if they carried turtles. I almost had a panic attack over it! And I will never live that down in my family. There you go - a little sneak peak into my crazy past. You're welcome.) I have no problem calling strangers at stores now, so I've come a long way. But texting takes all the anxiety out of reminding your friend you're on your way, or telling your sister you're running late. And no, I don't text while driving or during dates or family time. And you can't really make appointments or find babysitters while texting, so I'm not sure how that all ties in....

Anyway, if you don't text and you want to start, I highly recommend getting a phone with a full keyboard. It totally rocks!

* In case you're wondering, my list of favorite things is in no particular order other than whatever happens to be on my mind from day to day. And I'll try to make my future posts less random and rambling. :)

My Favorite Things #1: Creativity (Plus a Sneak Peak!)

2010-12-01T13:40:00.006-07:00

Two years ago I wrote a series of December blog posts I called My Favorite Things - kind of a mix of November-like gratitude posts and a recap of the year's happenings that I hadn't had a chance to blog about. Well, I'm going to revisit the idea this year. I'm hoping it will get me back into the swing of blogging. I haven't been able to work blogging into my life lately and I'm really missing it!

Today my favorite thing is CREATIVITY. I absolutely loooove to mosey around a cute quilt shop and put together the perfect combination of fabrics for a new project. And I love the excitement of completing something that I made all by myself, start to finish. I'm at a point in life where I have very little time for myself. As much as I love my little ones, and I'm trying to cherish and drink in their littleness, I am in desperate need of an outlet - something that makes me feel like me. That's what sewing is for me these days. I don't have much time to do it, which is why I've been trying to get an Etsy shop up and going and it's taking me quite a while. But it IS coming. So here's a sneak peak:

My Etsy shop will feature these cute totes and wipe wallets* in a bunch of adorable fabrics. There will be a few quilted minky blankets, including this one, and eventually bibs and a few more baby items. I just have a few more things to sew up and pictures to take before I'm ready to open shop. As soon as I'm ready, I'll be hosting a giveaway on my blog. I'm so excited!!!

*I have to credit Elise for teaching me how to make the wipe wallets. I've been addicted ever since she made me one and shared her secrets. Thanks, Elise!

Also, as much as I wish I were, I am NOT a good photographer. I hope you can tell how cute the stuff is in spite of the poor quality photos. : )

I just couldn't resist....

2010-09-30T10:43:00.006-06:00

Katelyn has fallen in love with writing stories and illustrating them. (I think they talk about "illustrations" a lot at school.) Here is one of her stories. I found it this morning on the table. I'm not sure where she gets her knowledge of eagles. I'll have to ask her when she gets home from school.

This next one requires a little explanation. For Carter's birthday a week ago, John got him a bearded dragon:

His name is Dragon - creative, huh? He is Carter's best pal (besides Katie, of course). Dragon hangs out with us while Carter plays with his Legos, plays video games, draws, etc. However, because Carer is only 5, we've had a few incidents with Dragon. Sometimes when I tell Carter to put Dragon back in his cage downstairs he forgets. Not seeing Dragon attached to Carter's shirt like he usually is, I assume Carter has obeyed me. We have always been able to find the lizard after one of these mishaps, until last night. I was out doing my visiting teaching (yeah me!) when I got a text that Dragon was missing. I returned home two hours later and he still hadn't been found. John had been combing the house, the yard, the garden, but no Dragon. I went out with a flashlight and looked for a while, then searched the house myself. When I finally gave up, I honestly felt like crying (take note of the end of Katie's next story). I never in my life dreamed I would be that sad, if sad at all, over a lost lizard. But that guy is Carter's best buddy, and in the short time that we've had him, he's really become part of the family. Here's Katie's take on the situation:

The kids were up at 5:30 this morning, and I listened to them bemoan their lost friend, promising to look outside again when it got light. Luckily, before we started the search again we noticed Dragon on the hearth in the living room. He was behind a little stuffed pumpkin, and probably had been all night. I don't know how we missed him, or how the cats missed him. I'm just so relieved! And I'm happy to have Carter's pal back. :)

Random Stuff

2010-09-26T21:52:00.007-06:00

Carter (5 yo): "Mom, how did Jesus make us? How did he make our skin? Did he make bread and toast it, and then put water on it so it was all skin-y?"

Aidan, now 2, says the cutest things in his little sweet voice. He always says thank you, and excuse me when he burps. He loves to ask me if I'm OK, and he has taken to asking if he can hold me (meaning, of course, that he wants me to hold him). His sentence structure is amazing for a 2-year-old. If only he weren't driving me crazy all day every day!

I'm severely sleep deprived. If Aidan's not keeping me awake, it's Zach (now 9 months old). Seriously, several nights a week I am up pretty much all night. Last night I slept for 4 hours straight, and today I got a 2 hour nap. This kind of sleep is unheard of! I hope it can carry me through another long week...

My sister is going to have a baby any minute now. She's past her due date, and going crazy, I'm sure. I feel for her. And I feel for me because it will be a few months at the least before I see her sweet baby. I'm still in mourning over her moving across the country, if you can't tell.

I'm drowning in a sea of dirty laundry. Seriously. I can. Not. Keep. Up! I did make some great strides this weekend. There may be hope for this week if I can keep it going.

It will help that I'm done with this:

I've now done 4 batches of salsa, almost completely from my garden, tomatoes from my garden, and pears from my sister's tree. If I have enough, I'll do another batch of tomatoes, but that's it for this year. I'm proud of it, and we love the salsa to death, but it's just about done me in. Thank goodness for a mom who will drop everything to help out a daughter who's taken on too much!

I've also been doing this.....

....and I'm dying to do more! I have several projects in the works - all gifts for people who have had or are about to have (wink, wink) babies. But I also have some new projects going. If I can get my act together, I'll be opening an Etsy store soon. I'm really excited, and I'll be launching it with a giveaway on my blog. So stay tuned! (If you're a follower of my blog, you know that this does not mean to expect anything soon. But it will happen!)

Last, but not least, I'm grateful to have a husband who will dig in and do some dirty work when it's needed. While I napped today, he cleaned the kitchen, including the floor. If you've ever been in a room with my 2-year-old while he's eating, you know what a gross job that is! Thanks, sweetie. I think this week is off to a much better start than last......

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye...

2010-08-04T10:04:00.004-06:00

Three years ago my youngest sister Cassie moved halfway across the country so that her husband could go to law school. It was so hard to say goodbye. Luckily I was able to fly out to visit her once, and she has been back to visit a couple times a year. Her visits are sooo fun, especially since she's had two children while living away, and it's so neat to spend time with them and see our kids together. We also talk on the phone quite frequently, and I love that.

Monday night I had to say goodbye to another sister, also headed across the country so that her husband can attend law school. My sisters are definitely among my closest friends, and Stephanie is no exception. With Cassie far away, and our other sister working, Steph and I have taken full advantage of having each other close. We've dragged kids (more each year) shopping for kids' clothes in Park City and all over Salt Lake. We've tried to keep the kids occupied for countless hours of sewing, or shopping for fabric. We've shared our passion for gardening and plants and flowers. We've shared our parenting trials and offered each other understanding and empathy. I've been mourning my sister's leaving for months now, and I won't ever forget driving away, watching her wave goodbye.

I woke up this morning to the new reality of being alone. There's no possibility of a visit or a quick trip together to the fabric store. Our kids won't be playing together for a long time. I'm so excited for Steph and the adventure she has ahead of her. And I know we'll talk all the time and remain close, just like Cassie and I have. I just wish she were still here.

Looky looky

2010-07-12T09:15:00.007-06:00

Wanna see something cute? Meet my new tote:

The materials and know-how were a birthday present from my sweet sister, Stephanie. She found the tutorial on homemadebyjill, one of my new favorite blogs. (Seriously, you should check it out!)

Now, ready for something else? Meet my new purse:

Once again, I copied Stephanie. She bought the pattern and made herself a purse, and I was so in love that I made myself one, and even used fabric from the same Moda line that she used. I know, what a copy cat, right? This project was more challenging and took much longer than the tote, which is super quick, but it was totally worth it. I LOVE taking my purse everywhere with me, and it even holds diapers and its coordinating wipe wallet (I know, I'm a nerd).

I didn't do a good job of showing it, but the lining of the tote is the same polka dot fabric as the zipper panel on the purse.

Have you done any fun projects lately?

Hi. Remember me?

2010-07-06T20:48:00.002-06:00

Actually, I'm not sure that I remember me. In my last post I alluded to the postpartum depression I've been dealing with. Well, I'm sure you're dying to hear more about it, because really, don't we look to our friends' blogs to bring us down? Unfortunately, I don't have much else on my mind lately. Sorry.

This isn't my first experience with depression. I had a pretty big battle with it in college, and then again after my 4-year-old was born. Every time I have a child, I worry and watch for the signs and try to be pro-active so that maybe I can keep it from happening. This time, however, I could tell by my 6-week postpartum check-up that things weren't going so well.

Fortunately for you, my goal is not to give you the details of my struggle. Instead, I want to open up a discussion about guilt. I have always been prone to feelings of guilt, often without justification. I feel guilty about things that aren't even my fault. Now, for the last 4 months I've felt guilty about being depressed.

When I was a junior in high school, we moved to Utah halfway through the school year and I got to switch from early morning seminary (where we went to someones house at 6:30 am every school day to learn about our religion and study the scriptures) to release-time seminary. That meant I got to walk across the street from the school during one of my regular class periods for seminary. Yeah! I had a very charismatic and fun teacher - he kind of reminded me of Drew Carey. Although I know his heart was in the right place, he had an ax to grind, and he let us know. He had a huge issue with depression, especially its prevalence in Utah and among church members. He told us more than once that depression is basically unrighteous. He believed that if you understand the gospel and if you are righteous, and if you look to Christ for help, you cannot be depressed.

So if you combine his teachings, which I took with a grain of salt at the time and still don't really believe, with my tendency to feel guilty about anything and everything, you get my new problem: I feel incredibly guilty about being depressed.

Here are the facts: I have an amazing life. My husband is my best friend and the most supportive man and wonderful father. I love my children more than words can say and I am blessed to be able to be home with them to raise them. We have enough money to put food on the table and buy more than just what we absolutely need - just look at my closet full of cute shoes and my brand new minivan. I have in-laws and parents who are helpful and loving, and real, true friends who care about me, including my sisters, who are always there for me. So what do I have to be unhappy about? Nothing! And it does feel selfish and unappreciative that I'm unable to pull myself out of this.

So let's discuss: do you find yourself feeling guilty for things that you know deep down are out of your control, and if so, how do you stop feeling that way?

*Disclaimer*

I'm working with my doctor to deal with my depression, and I'm having more and more days where I feel like I'm going to kick this. And I really hate to come across as whining about my life. At the same time, I want to break my silence and share with my friends just a little of what I've been going through. Thanks for listening.

To My Family on Mothers Day

2010-05-09T19:43:00.002-06:00

I love what Elise wrote about Mothers Day. It can be such a difficult day, for a lot of women, I'm sure, and for many different reasons. I'm so glad she posted the video about Nie Nie, because it made such an impression on my heart. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you've got to go to one of these links and watch it!) As women, we get so wrapped up in looking beautiful, and in keeping a lovely home - in things that are so superficial. As moms, we have a wonderful opportunity to lose ourselves in the service of these precious little souls who've been sent to us to raise. I've been dealing with a pretty bad case of postpartum depression for the last 3 months, and I've struggled just to get through the day. I know that there are people who have far greater struggles than mine, and it helps me to be reminded of that fact. So instead of focusing on myself this year, I want to dedicate this Mothers Day to my family:

To Zach: I get to spend every few hours snuggling you when I feed you. You depend on me for your survival, and I am so in love with you that it borders on obsession. What a happy little baby you are, and everyone in the family loves you to death.

To Aidan: You are the cutest thing in our house right now, and also the most difficult. Your dad and I are amazed at your awesome, fun personality, and you bring us unbelievable joy, even though I spend your every waking moment cleaning up after you and trying to keep you out of trouble.

To Carter: You've hit a really defiant stage, and you test my patience more than anyone. But you're so smart and talented and focused. I know you're going to do something big and important someday, and I love you for being you.

To Katelyn: You are adorable, so smart, and so sweet. We butt heads because you're just like me, but you know how to melt my heart. You love to tell me that I look pretty, or that you love something I've made or done. And you're the best little helper a six-year-old could be.

To Tanner: I know that I'm not your mother, and I will never be able to replace her, but I love you like you're my own son. You're at a difficult age, dealing with difficult issues, and I'm so impressed that you always do what I ask of you. That's got to be rare for a 13-year-old, and I love it!

To My Husband: I wouldn't have my beautiful children if I didn't have you. And I couldn't be the mom that I am without you by my side. You give me the push I need to keep going, even when it seems too hard. Your love and support mean the world to me, and the kind of dad you are to our kids makes me want to be a better mom. I love you.

I feel so blessed to have my wonderful husband and children, and I hope I can hold onto this feeling and drink in the experience of being a mom with small kids. And I hope that all of you mommies out there had a great Mothers Day filled with peace and love.

For Shauna

2010-04-17T19:59:00.010-06:00

What do you get when you combine:

8 cake mixes
3 cups of oil
2 dozen eggs
3 cups of butter
5 pound of marshmallows
20 pounds of powdered sugar
a little bit of milk
a few teaspoons of vanilla
some food coloring
ribbon
and a pretty bow?

First you get this:

Then this:

And finally this:

Here's the cake at Shauna's reception:

And here's Shauna with her mom, my sweet mother-in-law Rose:

Congratulations, Shauna! You're an awesome sister-in-law!

* This was my first wedding cake, and will be my last unless one of my kids wants me to make them one someday. I baked all day yesterday, and started the frosting/decorating at 9:30 this morning. I had to pause a few times to feed a starving baby, but other than those breaks I worked straight through until 5:30, when we left for the reception. Wow, I can't believe it's over!!

Happy Birthday, Rose!

2010-04-10T21:51:00.007-06:00

My sister-in-law just got married and is having a reception next week. Well, for some crazy reason she asked me if I'd make a cake for her. She showed me a few pictures of what she has in mind, and I told her I hope she doesn't regret trusting me with such a big responsibility, especially since I've never made a wedding cake before. I knew I'd need to practice, and I had the perfect opportunity when we decided to throw my mother-in-law a birthday party. For the practice cake, I simply used my 2 9-inch round pans and layered them, then frosted them with buttercream and covered them in fondant. Here's what I came up with:

I have to thank my mom for bringing me the ingredients and being my moral support as I kneaded powdered sugar into melted marshmallows for what seemed like hours. She was also great help when Aidan decided to dump a bag of powdered sugar on the floor behind me while I worked on the fondant. I learned a lot in the practice round, so hopefully the wedding cake will look a little more professional. It will be 3 layers, so it will be quite a bit more involved. I know what I'll be doing next Friday and Saturday!

And for those of you who don't have mischievous 20-month-olds running around your house, here's what happens to your beautiful cake while you're throwing in a load of laundry (luckily this didn't happen until after the party when there were only a few pieces left):

But could you get mad at this face?

Do you?

2010-04-05T12:51:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting on my couch, using the computer we have hooked up to our TV in the living room, staring up at a screen on the mantel. My computer in the kitchen hasn't worked for weeks now. I can look at things, but I can't comment on blogs or on Facebook. I can't even post to my blog or pay my bills. I'm sure you can sense my frustration.

The weekend took its usual toll on my house, which I've been trying so hard to keep clean. I should be able to get things back in shape, but my baby has screamed most of the morning. I can't tell if it's his gums, which have been swollen and sore, or his belly, which tends to fill with gas easily, or if it's just general discomfort. But I can't seem to keep him happy. Right now he's in his car seat on the floor watching me, semi-content for a few minutes - hopefully long enough for me to finish this post. Of course, I'm risking that Aidan will destroy something while I'm not giving him my full attention. He already spent the maximum time he can stand locked in his high chair eating lunch. Guess I'd better get to the point, huh?

I'm overwhelmed. I feel like a failure most of the time. I can't seem to keep our house clean, our affairs in order, and the kids happy all at once. At least one of those things suffers while I'm attending to the others, and sometimes I'm unsuccessful in every area at once. So here's the dilemma: My husband gave me the go-ahead months ago to have a service come to help do some of the cleaning in our home. This is something I've always dreamed of, but when the option was presented to me, I immediately dismissed it, feeling like it would be proof of my failure as a mother. I can take care of things myself. I know how to clean. I don't even mind cleaning - there's something therapeutic about it, kind of like weeding. But when things are not clean, and I can't get to it because I'm running kids around town or soothing crying babies, the mess really bothers me. I hate the smudges on the door frames and the walls, the dirt on the baseboards, the cobwebs that come out of nowhere. Even when the toys and clothes are all put away, there are things I want done that I can't seem to get to. Last night I decided that today's the day - I'm calling for some quotes. And yet I've spent the morning, on the brink of a meltdown with my crying baby, paralyzed and unable to make the calls. How can I have someone else do what I should be capable of myself, even if I'm paying them?

I don't think I'm alone. Don't most of us have trouble reaching out for help? People always offer to help with the kids if we need a break, but how many of us will actually call that favor in? I want to know - do you ask for help when you need it? Would you pay someone to clean your bathrooms?

P.S. I just set up an in-home estimate for tomorrow with one company and left a message with my name and number for another.

Terrible twos already?

2010-02-24T16:07:00.002-07:00

Carter and Aidan are almost 3 years apart, and I guess that 3 years has been enough for me to forget what having a small toddler is like. I could swear that Aidan is the most active and curious of my children so far. For months now I have spent most of my time chasing after him, trying to keep him from killing himself or the baby, and cleaning up disaster after disaster. He's at such a fun age, but is so much work! I've spent so much energy hoping that he grows out of this troublemaking stage soon that I completely forget what looms ahead. I know from experience that the terrible twos really start around 18 months, but boy did it take me by surprise when I got my first taste of it today!

I have to take full responsibility, because I chose to delay Aidan's nap just a little so that I could take the kids to the library. I put the baby in the Moby wrap and thought that I could hold Aidan's hand instead of making him sit in a stroller - I really want him to have some freedom now that he's getting older and thinks he's one of the big kids. I knew pretty much immediately that I'd made a mistake. The only thing Aidan was interested in was running away from me - out the automatic doors, behind the librarian's desk, anywhere he shouldn't be. If I tried to take his hand to guide him, he immediately turned to jello and dropped to the ground. With a baby strapped to my chest, it was very difficult to chase him, and even harder to try to carry him. But I had two kids who were choosing books, and then we had to wait a few minutes for the librarian to fix a mistake on our account. One of the nice librarians actually tried to help me, but there's not much you can do with a screaming child who is screaming hysterically and drops to the ground on contact. Luckily, I'm far past feeling embarrassed by my kids' behavior in public, but I was so frustrated that I was nearly in tears by the time we got out of there. Terrible twos, here we come!

I'm so grateful that when one child is being terrible, at least one child tries to be super good. We came home and put the baby in bed and I introduced the kids to the wonder of the Olympics. (I know, shame on me for not watching it with them sooner.) Sitting with Katie in the recliner while feeding the baby, with Carter playing next to us, we all cheered on our pick in the ski-cross competition. I sure love my kids and I'm beyond grateful to be home with them, but sometimes the challenges are almost too much for me.

More Home Improvements (why, oh, why?)

2010-02-18T18:35:00.007-07:00

What on earth would possess a couple with a newborn and 4 other demanding children to take on a home improvement project? I could only guess that it's pure insanity (actually, for my part it's definitely insanity, but that's another story). John had Friday off, as well as Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, so we thought it would be a good time to tackle Katie's bedroom. Her room was actually in o.k. shape, but in dire need of a paint job, and new carpet, since the previous owners decided to spray-paint the walls and not bother to cover up the carpet. Her old carpet was in beautiful shaped except for the white paint around the edges.

We got a carpet remnant for a "smokin' deal," to quote the salesman, and in this case it actually was. And now that John has become an expert carpet installer, the whole thing was pretty cheap. We had to buy paint, the carpet, baseboards, miscellaneous hardware (light switch and outlet covers, new light fixture, a doorknob, nails) and we paid to rent a knee kicker for the carpet installation ($11 for the rental). It did take us the entire long weekend to complete the project, but it was actually our quickest project to date. Still, we're glad to have it done.

Here's what the room looked like before:

Here's what it looked like last night before we moved the bed and dresser back in:

I guess maybe it looks like we're moving backwards, but believe me, it's much improved. The carpet is thick and soft, and the colors are neutral and soothing. And I love the new carpet/fresh paint smell when I go in there. Katie lost the top of her bunk bed to Carter and will be gaining a new roommate - we'll be putting a crib in there for Baby Zach. I've got some fun decorating ideas that I'm excited to get going on, so I'll wait to post more pictures until there's something cute to show. (So expect more pictures sometime in 2012.)

In the meantime, I've been feeling guilty about never posting pictures of my completed bedroom. I've been holding off because I haven't done my window treatment yet, and I can't seem to figure out what to put on my dresser. But for now, I'll show you the most exciting part for me, which is my beautiful bed:

I absolutely adore it and its 11 pillows, about which I have to hear constant complaining from my husband. That's probably because they spend so much time on the floor, I'm ashamed to admit. But from what I hear, all husbands with multiple pillows on their beds like to complain about them. It's worth it to me.

Guess that's it for now. I'm working on restoring order to the rest of our house, since it was badly neglected while we worked on Katie's room this weekend. The chaos just about led to a total emotional breakdown, but I think I'm feeling better now that I've had some time to clean. Of course there's always more to do, and a baby to feed. So, ta-ta for now!

Dying to write

2010-02-05T19:53:00.002-07:00

I really need to get back to blogging. I miss reading others' blogs and leaving comments, and having an outlet for my thoughts, with the possibility of feedback and understanding. I really need that connection right now. I'm stuck in that post-partum period of trying to find a rhythm to life with a new baby, and I'm feeling pretty isolated. One of my goals this year is to take better care of myself, which involves a lot of things, one of which is blogging more. Here's to hoping that I can make it happen. And here are some reasons that I feel guilty taking the time to blog:

My kitchen sink is always overflowing and my kitchen floor is in constant need of sweeping and a good scrubbing
Someone is almost always crying
There is almost always a diaper to be changed or a mouth in need of feeding
The last time I cleaned my bathrooms I was still pregnant
I'm barely keeping the laundry under control - so far no one's run out of underwear, at least I don't think so...

Obviously I haven't quite figured out this new stage of life yet. It's getting better. But I've got two babies. I call them Big Baby and Little Baby. I love them both to death, but they both require a lot of work. Big Baby is teething, so he wakes up 2 or 3 times a night. He's the busiest toddler I've had yet, and he's too smart, so he spends his day trying to destroy the computer, the Wii, the PS3, or anything else expensive he can get his hands on. Thank goodness for naps! Little Baby eats every few hours and has a lot of gas, so he seems to cry whenever I'm trying to cook dinner or do the dishes. I don't think he cries all that much, but with my time being limited already, I feel like I can't get a thing done. So I've borrowed my sister's Moby wrap and I've taken to carrying him around on my chest in the evenings and trying to accomplish something.

To put an end to my ramblings..........I spend my nights going back and forth between feeding Little Baby and soothing a crying Big Baby. I'm not really sleeping much at all. The days are spent taking Katie to school and picking her up, then picking Tanner up from wrestling or play practice. Twice a week I get to drag the whole gang to Tanner's wrestling meets. Sprinkle in doctor and orthodontist appointments and grocery shopping and other errands, and things are pretty busy.

Wish me luck! I'm hoping I'll get the hang of all of this pretty soon. And hopefully I'll be back to blogging even sooner......

My Amazing Weekend

2010-01-25T11:17:00.002-07:00

Here's why my weekend was so great:

Saturday:
My husband woke up and told me to go have a day to myself, so without a moment's hesitation I took a nice long shower, got myself ready for the day, fed the baby, and took off. I got a pedicure at a day spa, where the atmosphere was peaceful and I was pampered like the spoiled brat that I am. And then I did a little bit of shopping. I ended up trying on jeans, which I had no intention of doing for at least a few months - my new baby is only 4 weeks old, you know. But I was pleasantly surprised when the experience wasn't at all depressing, and I ended up with a cute, comfortable pair of jeans. It's amazing what a new pair of jeans can do for your mood. Putting them on this morning made me smile, and I felt like a more stylish, put-together version of myself when I dragged the kids to Walmart for our weekly grocery shopping.

I was gone for 4 hours, and my hubby would have been fine if I'd stayed gone longer, but that little break from the kids left me feeling incredibly rejuvenated. I came home smiling and laughing, with huge hugs for the kids and my sweetheart, who had managed to clean the house while I was gone! I am so blessed to have a husband who works hard, then comes home and helps out with the house and kids, and gives me time to myself as often as possible. Love you, sweetie!

Sunday:
This year we go to church from 9 to noon. While I love this schedule because of the full day left after church is over, I don't love trying to get the kids dressed and out the door that early. With the birth of our new baby, we actually haven't attempted the entire 3 hours until yesterday, so I was a little nervous. By some miracle, I arrived at church at 8:55 with 5 kids in tow. I didn't lose my temper once, even as I balanced feeding a newborn and trying to control a very naughty 4-year-old and an even naughtier 17-month-old. And then I sat at the piano in primary for 2 hours and the baby slept the entire time! I think John was shocked when we got home and I wasn't crying like I usually am after 3 hours of wrestling the kids at church. I chalk my success up to 3 things: having mostly boys, who require nothing more than a comb through their hair and some gel to look smashingly handsome; a husband who always asks if there's anything he can do to help as I'm running around like a mad woman on Sunday mornings; and a little help from above, because I'm trying to do what I believe is right by dragging my kids to church every week. :)

I hope that your weekend was as wonderful as mine!

2010-01-14T13:32:00.007-07:00

Introducing....

Zachary Shane Bell
Born December 27th
7 lbs, 9 oz
20 1/2 inches long

There's a new man in my life, and I'm head-over-heels in love. Zachary came to us two days after Christmas, and he's the sweetest little addition to our family. Even Aidan, who isn't quite 17 months old, adores his little brother. I only hope that Zach can survive the "love" of his siblings, who aren't always as gentle with him as I think they should be.

It's been two and a half weeks, and I haven't even found the time to blog. Life is a little crazy with 5 kids. Right now I'm trying to be satisfied with just getting the kids where they need to go - to school in the morning, doctor and dentist appointments, music and dance lessons, etc - and keeping everyone clothed and fed. The house is staying reasonably clean, mostly because of my sweet, hard-working husband. But I should be straightening up right now and trying to tackle something on my gigantic to-do list. Instead, I'm taking a moment while Aidan and Zach are both sleeping to update my poor, neglected blog.

I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed still. Aidan is teething, and doesn't usually sleep through the night, so my nights are a juggling act. If one baby isn't awake, the other one is. John was such a huge help for the first week while he was home, but now I'm trying to take care of things so that he can work without falling asleep. There are days when I'm pretty sure I'm not going to survive, but luckily there are good days, too. I'm so sleep deprived, and still not feeling 100%. But I really love being a mom. Each of my kids is so special to me, and they bring me so much joy.

I have so much more I want to say, but the baby's ready to eat....again! At least I got some pictures on. Hopefully I'll have time to post again before he reaches adulthood.....

Confessions

2009-12-21T14:16:00.003-07:00

I am completely preoccupied with the fact that I'm about to have a baby, and I'm convinced every day that it will be the day I go into labor. Every day I wake up disappointed and discouraged. So every day I vow to stop dwelling on whether or not I'll go into labor, and I come up with a distraction and convince myself that I can wait until the 29th. I am able to find peace for a good 20 minutes before I start thinking all over again that I'm going to go into labor any minute.
I have been driving around for 3 days now with suitcases packed and loaded in the back for the kids and me, just in case I need to call my mom or mother-in-law to grab the kids and head straight to the hospital. I am aware that this is only adding to the craziness I described in #1.
I remembered yesterday that really good chocolate has the power to calm anxiety. Unfortunately, that calm feeling only lasts a few minutes before more chocolate is necessary, so I've already consumed large amounts in the last 24 hours. I'm pretty sure that between now and when the baby comes, I'll double the weight I've gained so far in this pregnancy. And I don't care.
I've never been ready for Christmas this early. I've been done with my shopping for a while now. I only have a few gifts left to wrap, and even the stocking stuffers are in individual, labeled bags, ready to be dumped into the stockings. My Christmas cards are mailed, and the house oozes Christmas charm. I thought this level of preparation would bring me peace in my last days of pregnancy, but it's only adding to the feeling that I should be having a baby RIGHT NOW.
I have been putting off making a treat to deliver to my neighbors. It's the one thing that just doesn't sound fun to me. I keep falling back on the belief that people won't expect anything from me because I'm so close to giving birth. Lame, huh? I used that excuse for the Christmas cards as well, but eventually I gave in and took care of those. Maybe today I should start making cookies? We'll see...
I have a dozen sewing projects that I could be finishing up to keep me busy, but I continue to brush them aside, including at least 3 that are Christmas projects, which have now been officially pushed to next year....again. This morning after my disappointing OB appointment - I'm still dilated to a 2, after 2 weeks! - I drove to my favorite fabric store and bought darling fabric to make a new blankie for my little baby. I'm going to get started on it this afternoon.
I'm more excited to have my baby than I am about Christmas. I know this will change on Christmas Eve, with the kids being so excited. It's really all about them.
I love my Christmas decorations so much that I'm already dreading taking them down in January and going back to what seem like very dull decorations in contrast. Maybe I should make my house cuter when it's not Christmas, huh?
I went down to use the iron on Saturday and it wouldn't turn on. I was devastated! No actually, I was excited, because it was a hand-me-down from my mom, that I think she was secretly happy to part with when she gave it to me. Not to sound ungrateful, but I've been excited at the prospect of a new iron for a long time. When I went to buy one, I realized that they can be quite expensive, so I chose one somewhere in between cheap and expensive. It's nothing fancy, but I'm super excited to use it. Does that mean I'll be tackling the shirts waiting in the laundry room to be ironed? Don't count on it. Sorry, sweetie.
I've been trying to keep my house super clean in case I have to run off to the hospital at a moment's notice. But I'm really lacking in motivation, so I'm sitting in the midst of a big weekend mess. I'm going to use that baby blanket as motivation, so I'm off to clean before I start sewing....

Waiting

2009-12-06T23:08:00.002-07:00

I'm going a little bit crazy. If all goes as planned, I'll be having a baby in 23 days. However, I've felt for a long time that this baby isn't going to wait around. Seriously, I've thought that for a few months now. And the closer it gets, the more I feel like he's going to come soon. The problem is that I really don't know anymore if this is mother's intuition or wishful thinking. Of course I don't want to be pregnant anymore, and of course I want to hold my little baby. I think it would be awesome to have him sleeping peacefully through our Christmas with us.

So today - getting ready for church this morning, all through church, making dinner tonight - I was pretty convinced that things were in motion and that maybe tonight would be the night. Now, that's a bad thing for two big reasons: 1) John is working all night tonight, and will still be on call every night next week, and 2) I'm only 36 weeks along right now. A little too soon, I know. Now that the kids are in bed, John is gone to work, and things are peaceful, I know that I won't be going into labor tonight and I can stop panicking/getting super excited.

Now if I can just keep from putting myself on this emotional roller coaster every day for the next 23 days. You'd think I'd know better by now, having gone through this whole baby thing several times before!

Random List

2009-12-02T22:10:00.006-07:00

I'm suffering from a case of severe last-month-of-pregnancy ADD. (I can't say ADHD, because there's absolutely no hyperactivity going on. Believe me.) As of today, I have 27 days until this baby is guaranteed to be born - that is, my doctor scheduled an induction for December 29th. I'm not certain the baby will wait that long, but I know I won't be pregnant when the new year comes, and I'm thrilled! My mind is a jumble, and the migraine I've had since I woke up this morning isn't helping, but I'm dying to post, so here goes...

1. I've been sick for months now. Seriously. It was John's birthday, so October 17th, when we took the entire family to the doctor to be tested for swine flu. I had already been sick for a week at that point. I lost my voice the day before that, and it's still not really back. (If I haven't mentioned it, Aidan is the only one who officially tested positive for H1N1, but they treated us all, assuming that we had it. Really a relief to me, as I'm hoping that it gets us out of having it later on.) I'm finally feeling like the cough will be gone for good within the next week. Still, this has gotten me pretty discouraged and I'm having trouble snapping out of it.

2. I felt better when I read Amy's post and all of the comments and realized that I'm not the only one "in a funk." I'm taking her advice and focusing on the things that make me happy about Christmas. For weeks, I looked forward to decorating for Christmas and made myself wait until the day after Thanksgiving. Then that day came, and things just didn't happen. Since then, I have NOT been in the mood, and my house getting messier and messier has not helped. Today I forced myself to finish the Christmas lights outside, which make me smile every time I leave or come home (or walk outside to look at them, like I have 5 times since I finished). I can't get a good picture of the whole house because of a tree that blocks half of it, and giant, bright motion sensor lights that kind of ruin the effect, but take too long to turn off. (Last year I stood across the street in the freezing cold for far too long waiting for them to go off so I could take this picture.)

This year, I added a wreath with lights and a red ribbon to each window. I can't really explain why this makes me so happy.

And of course, there are the 3 little trees that Becky found for me a few years ago on clearance for a steal. They stand right outside of my front door and I love them!

3. My husband surprised me with a weekend getaway last month. I should devote a whole post to the trip, but we all know I'll never get around to it. I just have to tell you how awesome it was. He got us a super nice room in Wendover. (Thanks to his mom and her best friend, we got the room free!) If you don't know where Wendover is, it's a little town about 2 hours from here on the border of Nevada and Utah with absolutely nothing in it except casinos. There's a constant stream of cars from Salt Lake to Wendover and back, because for people who like to gamble, it beats the heck out of the 5-hour drive to Mesquite or the 6-hour drive to Vegas. John and I aren't really gamblers, though, so you might be wondering, as I was when he told me we were headed there, what would we be going to Wendover for? Well, the coolest part is that he scored us (again thanks to his mom and her friend) free tickets to see Bill Engvall. He's one of the Blue Collar Comedy guys. His comedy centers a lot on his marriage and having kids, so it really works for us. And now that I've had satellite radio in my van for a year (the free year is almost up - aaaahhhh!), I've gotten to hear enough of him to fall in love. (Blue Collar Comedy channel, Sirius 103, in case you're wondering.) Anyway, we left the kids with my parents, enjoyed the drive with just the two of us, ate enough crab legs at the seafood buffet to be truly embarrassed, except that we weren't (free, thanks again to ....... you guessed it!), went to an awesome comedy show, stayed up late watching movies, slept in, ate at the breakfast buffet (once again, free - I know!) and enjoyed the drive home with his mom. It was a wonderful surprise, and did so much to lift my spirits and make me excited to be a mom when we got back to the kids. I love my husband, and can't tell you how blessed I am to have him and how much he does for me!

4. I can't tell you about Wendover without mentioning that I came down with a horrible case of hives the day before we went. My doctor (my husband, that is) is pretty sure they were post-viral. I was getting over (or thought I was getting over) swine flu and it made sense, but seemed like cruel punishment. I lived through the ordeal with a steady stream of Benadryl into my body, and the distraction of a trip to Wendover, but I cannot explain how awful it was! My fingers were so swollen that I couldn't wear my ring, and my feet couldn't really fit into any shoes. Even my eyes were swollen. When I started falling asleep at night, I'd relax and forget not to scratch, and wake up scratching myself to near bleeding. When they finally went away a few days later, I said prayers of thanks several times a day and vowed to never, ever again take for granted not having huge welts all over my body and not itching like crazy!

5. I've been reading a new book by Wednesday Martin called Stepmonster. It contains a lot of statistics and personal accounts that have made me feel like less of a monster than I have felt in the last 8 1/2 years of being a stepmother. It's so nice to realize that other people - a LOT of other people - have had the same thoughts and feelings that I have, and that I'm not a witch and I'm not crazy. I can't tell you what feeling understood can do for your sanity and your peace of mind. Expect to hear more - a lot more - about this in a future post.

6. Part of the reason for my funk is that my husband is on nights again this month. This is actually the third week of four, and the last week of his entire residency that he'll have to work the all-night shift, but it's not making it a whole lot easier. The hardest part for me is that he has to sleep in the day, and I have very noisy children and a fairly small house. The week before last I planned things almost daily to keep us out of the house, but that's not that easy to do. Next week he's on call every night starting at 5, but that's much easier to deal with. And after that week, we're back to normal life. The end is in sight, so I should just suck it up and deal with it, huh?

6. Finally, this is all I can think about these days:

I bought these last week on a rare solo trip to Walmart for groceries. I have left them on the kitchen counter since I got home, and stare at them several times a day every day. I am so excited for my little baby to come! It's making it hard for me to focus on anything, and I have so many projects I want to finish and things that have to be done before Christmas, but I'm feeling really distracted. You'd think that I'd be taking advantage of these nights alone to get things done, but I'm so exhausted every night that I don't accomplish a thing. Looks like this night won't be any different. Now that I'm done with this post, I'm going to bed!

Frustrated, Part 2 (Or, the update I should have posted a long time ago!)

2009-11-17T21:52:00.003-07:00

Thank you so much for all of your comments, advice, and support on my last post. I think more than anything I just needed to hear that it's OK to throw in the towel without feeling guilty. (I allow myself to feel guilty way too easily, even over things that aren't in any way my fault, so you can imagine what I was putting myself through with this!) Here's the conclusion I've come to for the time being, thanks in large part to your input: I'm going to keep the class going through December. This will give me time to decide if there's enough participation to continue. Also, the baby should be born right after Christmas, and I'll know if I feel up to keeping it going.

Since I decided on my course of action, I've been able to have a better attitude and just have fun with it. I've had 3 moms bring their kids the past few weeks, and it's been great. I feel like they're having a good time and their kids are enjoying it, and people are chatting and seem happy. Really, that's my main goal with the whole thing. I really appreciate any chance to get out of the house with my kids and entertain them, while in the company of other adults. I crave adult interaction during the day! And I'm feeling like I might keep it going even if no one else shows, because it's seeming more like it's worth the effort. Of course, once I've got kid number 5 to feed every few hours while I chase around a very active kid number 4, we'll see how I feel......

As for relief society, now that "enrichment" is no longer, I'm pretty much relieved of that part of it. It really was my own thing all along, and now I don't have to pretend that it has anything to do with the ward (except that I'm using their building). So that's no longer a concern. Yeah!

Anyway, thanks again for weighing in and supporting my right to do whatever I need to do. If I end up cancelling the class next year, I think I can do it without feeling bad. For now, if you're ever looking for something to do on Tuesday at 1:00, you know where I'll be! Brittany, I'd love to see you again and get a chance to meet your cute baby. And anyone is welcome, so bring all of your friends!

**********************************************

And now, just for fun, here's what I made at church tonight:

(Sorry, the picture's pretty bad, but my camera's batteries were about to die.) If you know me, you know that this saying is very appropriate for me. I'm excited to put it in my new bedroom! (Yes, I realize I still need to post pics of my new cute room. The curtains should be done this week and then I'll post. See, I really don't have it together. Don't think I don't know it!)

Frustrated

2009-10-22T11:01:00.002-06:00

When we lived in Spokane, a girl in our ward ran the cutest little music class she called Cherubs. It was once a week at the church. The kids enjoyed it, and it was a great way for me to get out of the house and talk to other moms. Well, when we moved here 2 1/2 years ago, I opened my big fat mouth and told the relief society presidency when they came to visit me that I had toyed with the idea of doing such a group. They had been looking for something for the young mothers in the ward, and immediately an enrichment group was born. I have to say that I was hesitant to tie it to the ward in any way--there was no budget for it and no one really knew what I would be doing at the group. But I went ahead with it. I asked for a very small voluntary donation, as the girl in Spokane had done, and sank a ton of my own money into it the first year.

I named my group MusicMakers, and I've done it for the past 2 school years. It has been a ton of work, and quite a bit of stress. And here's a confession: I'm not a "fun" mom. And my personality just isn't bubbly. It has been an effort for me to try to let myself go a little and just have fun with the kids for that hour every week. I'm glad for the opportunity, though, because I feel it really benefits my kids, and I've had a good time with them.

At the end of last school year, the group really fizzled out. People got busy, and I spent the last couple of meetings at the church with just my kids. I tried to make the most of those times, but decided that I probably wouldn't do it another year. It's a lot of work to get everything together and drag it to the church, racing to get there on time, just to sit there alone. Of course, when August rolled around, the relief society started asking about it. I told them my feelings, and agreed to pass around a list to find out who was interested. We have a very old ward, with few moms of small children, and even fewer who are at home with them. But the list seemed big enough, and I really didn't want to let anyone down. So against my better judgement and the urging of my husband to give it up (he hates to see me stressed out), I went ahead and started in September. (I have to mention my frustration with one individual who pushed super hard for me to do it, through the RS, of course, and has only bothered to come to 1/2 of one class so far this year.)

So I have spent the last two classes sitting at the church alone with my kids again. I don't blame anyone, because I understand that people have other things come up, their kids get sick, and I would never expect anyone to show up every single week. I certainly didn't in Spokane. There were times I didn't go just because I didn't feel like it. I totally get it. But my big fear is that people aren't coming because I just haven't made it fun enough. I spend hours looking for music and books at the library, and making and buying little props. And I honestly try to be happy and fun. But apparently it just hasn't been enough. And now I want to cancel the class. In January, I'll have a newborn, and it would be my second year in a row trying to run things with a baby strapped to my chest. And I have a kindergartner, so I have to race her home from school and speed-feed the kids lunch so that we can get there every week. I could honestly do without the stress. I just hate to let people down. And I don't want anyone to feel guilty, like I cancelled it because they weren't showing up.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do. What do you think? What would you do if it were you?

One for the books

2009-10-20T09:43:00.007-06:00

Saturday was my hubby's birthday. Happy birthday, sweetheart! I'm so lucky that you don't put much stock in birthdays, because it would have been a real disappointment. I hope you know how much I love you and that I intended for it to be a good day for you.

So for the rest of you, here's how our day went. I had received a phone call from the primary president the night before telling me that she and her kids had tested positive for swine flu. Having been in her car visiting teaching with her on Wednesday night, I couldn't help but worry that my family had the virus as well. We had all been sick for over a week, and didn't seem to be getting better. I worried all night, especially because we were already with my good friend and her kids (sorry Becky!) and I didn't want them to get sick. Unfortunately, we had a practice Saturday morning for Sunday's primary program and I was now not only pianist, but filling in for the president as well. So I left my kids at home and wore a mask to the practice, where the rest of the presidency and I talked to the bishop and decided to go ahead with the program, even without 1/3 of the kids and the president and myself, the first counselor and pianist. (Wearing a mask is a great way to convince people they should stay away from you. If you ever need to get out of something, I highly recommend it!) The minute I got home from the practice, we loaded the kids in the car and headed to the clinic to find out if we have swine flu.

Poor John. I had been so stressed out that we were sitting in the waiting room, all wearing the required masks and trying to find the humor in the situation, when I realized that I had never even wished him a happy birthday. And of course, we spent the next few hours wrestling our kids and trying to survive a 6-person visit to the clinic. Fun times, I tell you! The good news--Katelyn and Carter were definitely over any illness and weren't even tested. The rest of us were tested for swine flu, but wouldn't get the results until Monday. Assuming that we had it, they sent us home with Tamiflu.

I'm grateful to my mother-in-law, whom we had already exposed to our illness several times in the last week. She had already had whatever we did, and agreed to still take our kids for the date we had planned that night. We headed to dinner at Black Angus, where John had a gift card he'd gotten for his birthday. However, there is no longer a Black Angus in Salt Lake. I wasn't too disappointed when we ended up at Ruby River. But when we headed to the movie we've been dying to see (The Invention of Lying), we found out that I had ordered our tickets online to the wrong theater. The only explanation I can offer, since we go to this theater all the time and always order our tickets online, is that sickness and stress had totally messed with my brain. Since it was showtime, we had no choice but to pay for 2 more tickets. We had a blast, but John will never let me forget the date to a nonexistent restaurant and tickets to the wrong movie theater.

I found out when we went to pick up the kids that the main side effect of Tamiflu is nausea and vomiting. It put a little damper on the evening, but we still went home and put the kids to bed and watched some shows together before passing out in our bed.

We made the most of our forced sick time while we waited for our test results (home from church Sunday and work & school Monday) and finished our bathroom, finally. Wanna see? Here's the only before picture I could come up with (and yes, that's Carter when we bought this house):

So even though you didn't see the shower before, hopefully you can appreciate this. The old one was big sheets of vinyl or plastic that looked like tile glued to the walls. The tub had completely lost its finish and always looked dirty, no matter how I scrubbed it. We got a new tub and put up real tile. John and I had a fun 4 hours racing to cut the tiles for the edges with the saw we rented before we had to get it back to Home Depot.

John was skeptical about the paint color, but as usual he let me do what I wanted, and we're happy with it. It's a very pale blue with a bit of turquoise to it. It's really soothing, and goes well with the beige of the floor and shower tile. We had a very basic laminate counter top built for the space, which John installed himself along with a new sink. I painted the old vanity and got new hardware, and bought a cheap mirror and painted it white, and we got a cute light fixture. The old one was an ugly medicine cabinet with 3 globe light bulbs on top - I'm sure you've seen one like it.

So we're super excited to have a clean, new-feeling bathroom. All the white makes it feel particularly clean and fresh. I know it's hard to get a good sense of it from the pics, but it's really hard to get pictures of such a small room. Guess you'll just have to come see it in person!

We got the results of our tests on Monday. Aidan was positive for swine flu, although the rest of our tests were negative. Since we had already been sick over a week when we were tested, I'm sure we all had it, and I'm a little relieved to think that we may have built up immunities to the virus. Tanner has strep on top of it all.

And now for this morning's adventure. I had a feeling that something was going wrong while I was switching the laundry downstairs. I came up to find that Aidan had gotten into (literally) the bucket of flour that I had stupidly left on the floor with the lid on but not closed tightly. I considered my options for a second before I remembered that we know for sure that he has swine flu. Thank goodness the bucket wasn't quite half full, but still a waste of a lot of flour! All I could do was laugh, especially since he thought he was quite funny and enjoyed me trying to knock the flour off of his clothes and out of his hair. (Notice his little tool box in the middle of the mess.)

Now that I'm looking at this picture, it doesn't look half as messy as it is in real life. Guess I'd better be done with the computer so I can clean my floor!

Adventures in Parenting

2009-09-23T18:49:00.010-06:00

The Good:

Each morning, Carter and Aidan and I accompany Katelyn around the corner to school. I push the stroller while Carter rides his bike and Katelyn rides a bike or scooter. They get to play on the playground until the bell rings, then the kids line up and their teacher escorts them to class. This morning, Katelyn was already in line and following the teacher with the other kids when Carter got a very strong urge to give her one final hug and kiss. He was so insistent that I let him run after her. He was quick and didn't hold up their little line at all, and it made me glad that I allowed it. His little displays of affection just melt my heart.

*Because I have yet to post pictures of Katelyn's first day of school, I'm going to take the opportunity right now. Most of you are totally familiar with the emotional side of the first day of school, so I'll spare you a long, drawn-out post. Suffice it to say, I was sad to send my first child off to kindergarten, and tears were shed. It helped me to see her so happy to go.

This picture is blurry, but it captures Katelyn's mood that morning just perfectly.

Striking a pose

Katie and mom on their first walk to school

The Bad:

Aidan is the happiest baby around - usually. He spends 98% of his time smiling, laughing, and playing around. He's quite a tease for a 13-month-old. Well, my happy little guy has suddenly turned into a screaming, crying baby, thanks to some teeth trying to fight their way through his gums. He woke up around 4 this morning, so upset that I thought his screams were going to wake the other kids. I gave him Tylenol and held him for a long time, and finally gave up and put him in bed with me. He eventually fell asleep right before 6, just 15 minutes before I get Tanner up and see him off to school. Poor Tanner had to eat breakfast alone this morning because I was afraid if I tried to move Aidan he'd wake up and start screaming again, and I couldn't leave him in my bed. Of course, I had to get up soon anyway to feed the other kids and get Katelyn off to school. A few months ago, before Aidan starting sleeping through the night, I would have considered that a decent night's sleep. But I've gotten a little spoiled lately, so I was pretty tired this morning.

Unfortunately, the screaming and crying also lasted through much of our Costco trip today, and through Tanner's parent/teacher conferences. It was fun to try to talk to 8 teachers with a squirmy, upset baby in my lap.

The Ugly:

I mentioned that we went to Costco today. Well, I wouldn't recommend a Costco trip to anyone whose huband is out of town (hint, hint, Alisa). Somehow I managed to fit most of the store in the cart before we finally made it to the registers. After shopping for what seemed like hours, we had lunch at the snack bar. It is a real test of patience to try to get your rambunctious kids to eat their pizza without making a huge mess, and in less than 2 hours, all with a baby who's writhing and alternating between whining and screaming bloody murder.

So we made it through the shopping and eating, and were headed out the door. I let my kids bring the remainders of their drinks, and you can probably see where the story is heading now. Right as the woman at the door was checking my receipt, Carter dropped his root beer on the floor. It spilled in the center of the entrance, so people were backed up waiting to go around us as one of the employees and I worked to clean it up. Carter was upset and asking for more root beer, and I've been trying hard not to overreact in these situations. So to show him that I was not really angry over a spilled drink, I ran back and got him a little more. We gathered ourselves together and finally got out the door, and had walked about 12 steps when Carter dumped his entire drink AGAIN! We were outside of the store, but still inside of the main outer doors. I saw that one of the employees had seen it, and decided to let them take care of this one. So we left, and I made Carter throw his cup away. Sorry, but no refill after the second spill! I wasn't really embarrassed by the first spill, although I don't enjoy holding up crowds of people. But the second one made me feel like a real idiot for having given him another drink to spill immediately. Oh well, what do you do?

Frea.king.out.

2009-09-17T21:25:00.004-06:00

I've got a million blog posts rolling around in my head, and tons of things I want to catch you all up on, but I can't get past what's going on around here right now, so that's what you get to hear about. John leaves Sunday morning for a 3-week radiology course in Washington, DC. We've known about this for months, and I had originally planned to drive out with the kids and spend the last week with him sightseeing and hanging out. Since we made those plans, we spent all of our money redoing a bathroom. I also realized that it would be pretty tough to only take the kids out of school for a week (which seemed like the longest I'd want them to miss) and drive all the way across the country and back, still leaving enough time to see some stuff in DC. And John's not thrilled with the idea of his wife driving the kids cross-country alone. (Personally, I'm pretty independent when it comes to that stuff, and don't see that as an issue. I could do it! Of course, it would be exhausting......) So we'll do DC with the kids when we have unlimited time and money, or at least more time and money than we have now.

That leaves me here to be a single mom for 3 weeks. I'll be honest with you - I'm freaking out. I feel pretty confident that I can handle things as far as keeping our home running, but when I really start to think about all of the responsibility, I do get a little panicky. However, my main concern is that I don't want to be without my husband. He is my best friend in this world, and the most important time of my day is the time we spend together at night after the kids are in bed. Looking forward to that time is what gets me through my days. Man, I'm getting myself worked up, so I'd better stop thinking about it. I'll just say that I'm going to miss my husband desperately. And when he gets back - after I've spent as much time with him as either of us can stand - I think I'll be ready and deserving of a day at the spa (hint, hint, in case you're reading this, sweetie). Four kids is a lot for one person to handle for that long!

So for the remainder of this week, we're trying to get John packed and ready for the trip, finish up our stupid bathroom, and throw a big birthday party for Carter. (Did I mention that John is on nights this week, so he's gone all night and sleeps most of the day? That gives us a few afternoon and evening hours together, and that includes Saturday night. He'll get home Sunday morning just in time to grab his suitcase and jump in the car for the airport. By the way, could I be more of a crybaby?)

I did sneak a minute to get the little boys' pictures taken this morning. It's a little bit of a distraction from the work I should be doing and the mourning I am doing, just to have some cute new pictures of my babies. The main ones are on the sidebar, but here's one I got just for fun. I'll share and maybe you'll forgive me for spending most of this post feeling sorry for myself.

And now, about the cake

2009-08-17T15:19:00.008-06:00

Apparently cake decorating is the latest thing. There are a million different shows on tv about the subject, my personal favorite being Cake Boss, in case you were wondering. I think it's funny how the stuff our moms and grandmas were so good at seemed to be forgotten, but comes back in waves. It seems like everyone I know is into quilting, gardening, even canning. I wasn't even surprised to see Becky's post about her recent foray into cake decorating, which I read after I had purchased what I needed to create Aidan's birthday cake. Hopefully she won't turn me in to Cake Wrecks when she sees these pictures.

I was super anxious about the whole cake thing. I'm not sure why - it's really not life or death. The worst thing that could have happened is that I served an ugly cake. Or I could have served a plain old frosted chocolate cake, which no one in my family would have complained about. (OK, maybe John would have complained, but not about how it looked. He's just not that into chocolate.) On Friday night I went to Michael's and spent 30 minutes in the cake decorating aisle, then gave the cashier an arm and a leg for the small bag of supplies that I brought home. Then I had nightmares all night about making the cake. Seriously, I hardly slept at all. You'd think I had a big exam or something, not a silly cake to make.

When it came down to it, it took me a long time to decorate this cake, but mostly due to inexperience. And it was TOTALLY worth it. The kids got the biggest kick out of it. Carter told everyone at Aidan's party about how mom "squirted red stuff all over the cake and it took her a looong time." He was seriously impressed. So would I do it again? Absolutely! I'm already planning the kids' future birthday cakes, fully expecting, of course, that my skills will improve with each one.

I can't forget to thank my friend Ginger. I was inspired by her awesome cakes, and couldn't have done it without her recipes, advice, and encouragement. Although I'm sure this would look better if she had been holding my hand while I did it.

So without further ado......

Fun, huh? Doesn't it make you want to try your hand at it?

To Aidan, on your first birthday

2009-08-16T12:26:00.004-06:00

Dear Aidan,

Today you turn 1. A year ago, I was pushing a shopping cart around Costco, trying to keep Katelyn and Carter close so I didn't have to chase them and stopping every few minutes for a contraction. By the time I reached the checkout, it was apparent that it was time to head to the hospital. I wasn't terribly smart about my shopping, and lifting all of those giant boxes into the van while I was having contractions was nearly impossible!

If I hadn't had to wait 2 hours while they gave me IV antibiotics, the labor would have been pretty quick. But those hours were peaceful as your dad and I watched the summer olympics and laughed, and I updated my blog to let people know what was going on. Even with the epidural, I can always feel the contractions in one spot, but I still think of those hours in the hospital with your dad, having a baby, as the most peaceful and happy times - times that I look forward to and don't dread at all, even knowing the difficulty and pain that are coming.

I made dad go home to sleep that night after you were born, partly because I couldn't imagine him trying to sleep on the chair-turned-bed in the corner of the room, and partly because I selfishly wanted to be alone with you. I fell in love with you immediately. You have the sweetest, happiest, and most loving spirit. Even now, at a year old, you snuggle with me in the morning after you wake up, before and after naps, and at night before bed, while dad and I watch tv. You are the biggest daddy's boy I've ever met, and you'll push me away in a heartbeat if your dad is in sight or if you can hear his voice. But I'm lucky enough to be at home with you every day, and I know that you love me.

That day at Costco seems like a long time ago, yet I have a hard time believing that my baby is a year old. I think it really hit me that you're growing up the other day when you brought dad your shoes and socks, then sat on his lap and lifted your little foot so he could put them on you. You're such a smart little guy. You say mama and da-da and diddy (kitty). You wave hi and goodbye and even night-night, and you love to clap your chubby little hands. You've started walking, and you're all over the place. A few nights ago, I walked outside to see what dad was doing and found you sitting on Carter's PowerWheels motorcycle. You had climbed up all by yourself and knew exactly what you were doing. If only you knew how to make it go - you would have taken off!

Now I'm having another baby, and every once in a while I worry about how it will affect you. But I know that you won't get lost in the shuffle. You're such an important part of our family. You're happy 98% of the time, and that happiness is contagious. Tanner, Katelyn, and Carter absolutely adore you, and can't pass by you without stopping to play with you. You can turn even the worst of moods into a smile. I think you'll have this role in our family no matter how many kids come after you.

Happy birthday to my best little buddy. I love you!

Love, Mom

Keepin' It Real

2009-07-26T23:37:00.003-06:00

I have always been claustrophobic. When I was in elementary school we had these 3 giant tractor tires on the playground. They were lined up so that you could climb into the two outer tires and into the middle. But if you were in the middle with friends on the outside, you couldn't get out unless your friends did. I can tell you that I only sat in that inner tire once or twice, and my heart was beating hard and fast the entire time. I preferred to let everyone else climb in and I'd stay in the outer tires, with my whole body able to scoot out at any time. As an adult, I don't have tractor tires to deal with, but I've had two MRIs, and those were two of the most terrifying times of my life. You know, the table you're lying on moves into that tube and it sure seems like you couldn't get out if you tried. Man, I'm starting to shake just thinking about it. The whole time I'm having the MRI done I have to tell myself to take slow deep breaths, and I keep an inner dialog going to talk myself out of completely freaking out. My claustrophobia also extends into seemingly boring things, like driving in construction where you only have one lane, and no way to get out of it - or anything similar you can think of.

So I freaked out last night. Just for a split second - I had that moment of panic that I have at least once every pregnancy. Claustrophobia is the best description I can come up with for this feeling I get. I know that I have this little life developing inside of me. I haven't really felt enough movement, and I'm not big and pregnant enough yet to start feeling that bond. You know, by the end you feel like you have a little pal with you all the time, and you almost feel empty and lonely after you've given birth. Well, I'm not at that stage yet. I still have to remind myself that there's a baby inside, though you'd think the constant barfing, headaches, and increasing pudginess would be constant reminders. Anyway.........it must have been one of those moments when I was thinking, "Oh yeah, there's a little baby growing in there!" That's when it hit me that, "Oh my gosh, that little baby's going to be there until it's big enough and developed enough to come out. And it's going to start impinging on my ability to breath. And it's going to stretch my ribs to the point of pain. And there's not a thing I can do to get it out!"

Yeah, I know, I sound like a total nutcase. And pretty selfish, too. Like I said, this whole thing only lasted a second, but it was some intense panic. At least it's a familiar feeling. It hits me at some point with every kid, and obviously I get over it. But man, what are we thinking when we choose to go through this? It's a big commitment to let someone move in and use your body to grow and develop. And it's really out of your control. You can't decide how sick you get, or what hurts, or when and where that baby decides to kick. And I won't even get into the havoc it wreaks on your body!

So there you go - some insight into my demented little world. I'm pregnant. I'm starting to look pregnant, although mostly chubby, probably, and I hate that! If you're lucky, I'll post a pic soon of my little belly. And stay tuned for pics of the finished bedroom. I'm in heaven having a place to go and close the door and feel peace!!!!

Checking In

2009-07-11T21:45:00.003-06:00

Just thought I'd tell you what I've been up to, since for the most part I've gone missing in my life this past week. We're attempting to turn the world's ugliest bedroom:

into a peaceful escape. I've been planning it and shopping for the last two months, and I'm dying for the room to turn out like the picture in my mind. Hopefully I'll be posting the results soon! In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my kids clothed, fed, and entertained, and keep the house from caving in on itself. For the most part I've failed at the latter, but tonight the kitchen and living room are clean, and I even cooked dinner - I haven't been cooking much this week due to the constant mudding, sanding, mudding, sanding, mudding, priming, painting, etc. My poor garden gets its watering and not much else, so I'm beyond excited to bring in my first load tonight (not counting the peas and chard we've been eating for a while now). It looks like we'll have a bountiful year, despite the fact that my garden looks like a morning glory field. We'll get to weeding next week....My body aches in every way imaginable, but it's doing a better job at distracting me from the nausea than sitting on my rear watching t.v., so I should be grateful. Now it's off to paint all night, in hopes that I can finish so that John can lay the carpet tomorrow. (New carpet - can you believe it?!!! I'm ecstatic!!!)

A change of plans

2009-06-29T22:15:00.002-06:00

I was driving home this afternoon from lunch at the park with the kids when I happened to find my favorite music in the whole world on the classical station on satellite radio (one of my new favorite things!). Rachmaninoff's 2nd piano concerto was playing, and the 2nd movement, my favorite of the three, was just barely starting. My first thought was, "Maybe I should take a long route home, because this is going to last longer than our drive home." I did drive straight home, completely immersed in the music. I was playing along - in my head, with my fingers, and in my heart. (It's sappy, but you're just going to have to go with it - or stop reading now. It only gets worse.) I have adored this piece of music since the moment I first heard it, and it instantly became my dream to perform it live with an orchestra some time in my life.

We pulled into the garage halfway through the third movement. Tanner opened the door to get out, then realized that I wasn't budging. He waited a few minutes, but gave up on me and went inside before it was over. (The kid now has ear buds in and his IPod going at all times, so my music doesn't even make his radar - not that he'd care about it anyway.) I was kind of glad that he went inside, because the music builds and builds, and the ending is so dramatic and moving that I had tears in my eyes. (This is not abnormal. John and I went to the symphony with his parents before we were married and saw this piece performed live. I cried practically the whole way through. It's hard to explain my emotional connection to the music, but it's pretty strong. I wanted to be the girl playing the piano so badly I could taste it!) This time the tears served another purpose. It occurred to me that I had given up my dream. I said goodbye to my piano major after Katelyn was born and I was pregnant with Carter, when it became obvious that I couldn't be a mom and finish such an intense major at the same time. It was an extremely difficult decision for me. While I hope to finish my degree when the kids are older, I really feel like the time has passed for me to fulfill that dream. I can't see any opportunities arising for some middle-aged lady to perform with a symphony orchestra, and to choose the music. And I've lost so much of my ability. I know it's my fault to an extent. I should be making it a priority to practice daily. But I couldn't possibly play 4 hours a day like I was back then, so I'm going lose some dexterity regardless. Anyway............

I was sitting in the car, tears in my eyes, the music moving through me as I mourned the loss of a dream. And then it hit me. I didn't lose my dream - I traded it! I always knew that I wanted to be a mom and stay home with my kids. I didn't dream of having children like some people do, but I just kind of knew that that's what I wanted. And obviously it is what I want. I chose to stop going to school, and I've chosen to keep having kids. We have another one on the way, due in January, and I'm not even sure that it'll be our last. So obviously, this is what I want to be doing, right? I'm living my dream!

I couldn't really shake the melancholy feeling I had, even with my realization. I carried it with me all afternoon. I'm still allowed to mourn the loss of a dream, even if I chose to lose it, I think. But I feel very grateful. My husband works so hard so that I can be at home, and he supports me and realizes more every day how important it is to have someone at home full time. It blesses our children's lives and will continue to do so. And I will always feel good about the decision I made to be at home with them, even if it means giving up some things I could have done for myself. And I still can and do bless our lives with my love of music.

How about you? What have you sacrificed, and does it make you sad, or are you at peace?

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T19:52:00.005-06:00

I'm sure you're all at home today telling your husbands that they're the best fathers ever. Well, sorry girls, but you're wrong, because I married the world's greatest dad. I knew when I married him that he loves kids. But I didn't know just how far he would go to make his children happy, or how much joy he would get out of playing with them. I didn't realize that he would take on a second job and still work extra shifts moonlighting so that he could give us the best of everything. I am blessed to have such a hard-working and loving husband, and my children are blessed to have him for a father. Happy father's day, sweetie. We love you!

This is one of my favorite pictures of my husband being a cute dad. The baby is Katelyn.

On death

2009-06-10T21:15:00.005-06:00

Last Tuesday, our family experienced a loss that turned out to be far more tragic than I expected. I found our cat Samantha lying lifeless on the family room floor. I was so completely freaked out that I couldn't even get close enough to touch her. So I watched from around the corner and made sure that I couldn't detect the rise and fall of her breath. When I was sure that she was not alive, I called John. I am so glad that he was working the right rotation and having a slow day, and that he was willing to race home to my rescue. He put our beloved kitty in a box and hid her so that he could go back to work and we could deal with it later.

Katelyn was beside herself when we told her. She cried and cried. She could think of nothing else the rest of the evening, as we waited for everyone to get home so that we could have a funeral. Both Katelyn and Carter were morbidly fascinated with seeing Sammy's body. And here's where I felt completely lost as a parent. How do I teach my children about death and help them to deal with it in a healthy way? What is appropriate and what's not? We had decided to bury Sammy in a remote corner of our yard, and not in a box, so John lifted her into the hole he had dug and the children had the opportunity they so desired to see her one more time. Was that the right thing to do? I'm really not sure. I hope they're not scarred for life by the image of their lifeless cat in a hole in the ground.

We all said something about Sammy and then put dirt on her grave. And this is when it hit Tanner. The timing couldn't have been worse - it was exactly one week before the anniversary of his mother's death. He has been dealing with the resurfacing of his grief since mother's day, and this just brought it all to the forefront again. There was much sobbing as we buried our kitty, and the kids' grief made me more sad than my own grief ever could have.

We were all sad that night, but we were OK. So I was surprised when Katelyn woke up the next morning and started crying almost immediately. In fact, she cried for at least an hour straight. And as soon as I'd get her calmed down, she'd start crying again. We had a lot of talks. I explained over and over about how Sammy's spirit is in heaven, and that it's just her body left here in the hole in our yard. She said a couple of times that she wanted to be dead, too, so that she could be in heaven with Sammy. It just about broke my heart. Carter got pretty sick of the weeping and wailing. He started telling her, "Sammy's dead. You don't want a dead cat!" Obviously, he's not quite grasping the situation. He had some other strange things to say about the whole thing. He's even said when he got mad at our other cat that he wishes it were dead with Sammy. Some issues to sort through eventually, I'm sure...

As Katie's grief subsided, she showed some signs of understanding. One morning at breakfast, she told me, "I think Jesus is making paper balls for Sammy in heaven and throwing them so that she can catch them. I think He's playing with her and taking care of her for us." I thought that was the sweetest thing.

As for Tanner, the one year mark has come and gone. I took the kids to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house on that day, in addition to an extra grief counseling session. It was good to have things to do to keep us busy, and the temple was a positive experience (minus the inevitable meltdown by Carter, which, luckily, didn't happen until the very end). He even talked to me in the car on the way home and I didn't feel like he was trying to pull away or distance himself from me, which I feel quite often. I am still so sad that he had to lose his mother so early in his life. One of my least favorite phrases is, "It's not fair." It's pretty much outlawed in our house. But I find myself thinking all the time that IT'S NOT FAIR! I don't want him to have to hurt. I still wish for his sake that we could turn back time and undo it. But we can't. And now we'll all be dealing with death for the rest of our lives. I guess I'll be figuring it out as we go.

So excited!

2009-05-17T22:27:00.003-06:00

It's here - my annual post about how much I love my garden! I felt like summer started the week before Mother's Day, because that's when we got the garden back up and running. John had a free afternoon, and I was surprised to come home from errands and find the neighbor's tiller in our garage. I had decided that as soon as we tilled, I would get started. (Last year we tilled too early and the weeds had completely invaded before I even planted anything, so I started out behind the game.) So as soon as the ground was tilled and raked, I sent John to get a truckload of compost. He unloaded the truck and spread it around, and I ran to the garden shop to get seeds. Here's what I planted: green beans, carrots, peas, beets, onions, chives, spinach, swiss chard, summer squash, butternut squash, spaghetti squash, zucchini, cucumbers, pumpkins, watermelon, cantaloupe, dill, and basil. My parsley and strawberry plants survived the winter, so I transplanted them. The next week, I added tomato plants - about 9 different varieties - and cherry tomatoes, as well as green and red peppers, jalapenos, and serrano peppers.

The past few weeks have been soooo exciting, as I've gone out every day to weed and water, and to watch for little bits of green coming up. I'm pleased to say that everything I planted has at least one tiny plant coming up now, which is better than last year. I never could get the pumpkin or melon seeds to sprout, so I ended up buying starts. If you garden, you know what I mean about the excitement. If you don't, you've got to try it!

I have big plans for the garden this year. I plan to can oodles of tomatoes, and beans if I get enough this year. Last year, my beans came a handful at a time, and my baby came at the same time as the tomatoes. Plus, Tanner moved in and started school. So I let loads of tomatoes rot before I could can them, and felt sick about it. This year I think I can do it if I do a batch every few days. We'll see about that..........Also, I really wanted to make salsa last year, but didn't for all of the above reasons. Hopefully, I'll get to try this time.

I have to say how grateful I am to have a hard-working husband. He did an entire day's worth of back-breaking labor to get everything ready for me, and all while he was on call and could have needed to shower and run to work at a minute's notice. His "do it now" attitude is a perfect complement to my "I'll get to it" style. I know he wanted to help me get the garden started because he knows how much I love it and that it kept me sane last summer. I love being outside, digging in the dirt, having the kids playing outside and wearing themselves out, and feeling the sense of accomplishment when harvest time comes!

Get me off this crazy train

2009-05-14T21:21:00.002-06:00

I have always been prone to hormone-induced insanity. I take a fun little roller coaster ride at least once a month. Sometimes it's a short ride with small ups and downs. Other times, like this month, the highs are super high, and the lows are terribly low, and there are a couple of loops thrown in just for fun. Unfortunately for my family, they get to go on the ride with me, but they feel the dips more than the rest of it.

Take yesterday, for example. I offered to take my sister Stephanie's two daughters for the day so that she could pack boxes and prepare to move. Katelyn had dance, so I piled my 3 little ones and her 2 into the van. We stayed in the van and watched movies until Katelyn was done, then headed to Costco for my usual Wednesday shopping trip and lunch. I got some strange stares, and even a few comments, as I pushed a cart loaded with 5 kids through Costco. (Usually the kids prefer to walk, but I was happy to have them all in my control when they opted to sit in the cart.) When I sat down at the food court with 5 littles ones, feeding 1 baby food and cutting pizza for the other 4, I could feel the eyes of everyone around me...........the entire. time. we. sat. there! It was a little crazy, trying to keep drinks from spilling, pizza from ending up on the floor, clothes from getting covered in food. But as I sat there, I felt good about myself. I was calm and collected. I didn't feel stressed or rushed, though it took FOREVER to take the kids to the potty. And it took even longer to load everyone back in the car, change a diaper, and make a bottle. I never lost my cool, on the outside or on the inside. I even managed to get 2 of them to nap when we got home. It was a great feeling! Fast forward a few hours. My sister has picked up her kids. My 3-year-old is waking up from his nap, which is almost never a pleasant experience. I'm exhausted from the day's activities, and from trying to keep everyone outside or quiet-as-mice inside, since my husband is working nights and sleeping (or trying to) days this week. And I'm faced with making dinner. Suddenly this task seems insurmountable and I feel like I'm going to break. I'm so frustrated that my hubby even offers to go get a pizza or fast food. (I should have taken him up on it!) I did make dinner, and survived getting the kids to bed and seeing John off to work.

And now for today's adventures: sew sew sew, trying to finish blanket for friend who just had baby; to Walmart with kids to get groceries to make dinner for same friend; lunch on the run; MusicMakers, where my kids were on their worst behavior EVER; home to frantically sew some more; cooking, baking, sewing, until...................I'm done! As the clock struck 6, I was driving to deliver dinner, complete with lasagna, salad, bread, and a cake, AND a freshly finished blanket. Now that's a feeling of accomplishment! Back at home I fed my family the same dinner, making for a happy hubby. Later, as I took a break for the first time all day, and for the last hour with John before he headed to work, we sat down to watch last night's American Idol results show. With Katelyn whining at me on one side, and Carter on the other - a constant stream of "I want, I want, I want" and "now, now, now" - I broke. I had to remove myself to another room to keep from losing it completely. Suddenly everything was too much for me and I couldn't handle hearing another demand, breaking up another fight, or cleaning up another spill. With clenched teeth and a raging temper, I got the kids in bed. They're all alive, but if I hear another pair of feet in the hallway, I fear for those kids.

So the mood swings are pretty bad. If I didn't know my body, I'd be ready to check myself into the nearest psych ward. But I'm comforted, if only slightly, by the fact that this will pass. And I'm feeling ashamed of myself. This hormonal upheaval is causing me to feel like I can't survive another second of my life. I've thought several times in the last week of the pioneer women crossing the plains, burying children and battling every kind of hardship along the way. I guarantee their attitudes were better in the face of those trials than mine has been in the face of this tiny little challenge. I have got to quit feeling sorry for myself and buck up. For now, if you see me, you'll know why I don't seem myself. I you don't see me, count yourself lucky!

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T20:51:00.003-06:00

I want to wish my mom and my mom-in-law a happy Mother's Day. I am so blessed to have such wonderful and giving women in my life. Thanks to them, I haven't gone crazy since my 2 children suddenly turned into 4. And thanks to both of them, I've been able to go on 2 trips in the last month. I spent a week with my sister, Cassie, and my sweet baby Aidan in Iowa seeing sites and shopping. The next weekend I lived it up with my hubby in New York City. I had a great time traveling the country, and felt rejuvenated and excited about motherhood again after getting back. So thanks, moms. I love you and appreciate you so much!

Now, about today...........since I first became a mother, I've struggled with my feelings about Mother's Day (see last year's post). There have been years when I've been selfish, focusing on how things should have gone and didn't. There have been years of sadness because I've thought only of my failures as a mother. And more recently, as I'm maturing (hopefully), I've tried to make it more about the mothers in my life than about myself. But this morning I realized that this day will be different for our family for the rest of our lives. Today my focus was on helping my heartbroken (step)son deal with the pain of losing a mother. We had talks about remembering the good things, hugged him through the tears, and started a new tradition to honor his mother. Although he can't see it, each year will get a tiny bit easier. But Mother's Day has taken on a new meaning, and now we join the others who are reminded of losses on this day - who struggle to see the good through the sorrow.

I hope that all of you had a wonderful day. All of my friends are incredible mothers, and I look up to each of you for different reasons. You are incredible women, and your children are lucky to have you.

As the day draws to a close, I'm inspired to be a better mom to my children, especially to the one who needs me more than he'll ever let on.

Wanted: A New Cleaning Lady

2009-03-20T09:12:00.002-06:00

...because the one I have stinks! She is just so darned inconsistent! I am sitting at my computer in the kitchen right now, sunlight streaming through the windows and dancing across clean countertops and my beautiful new table. No dishes remain from last night's dinner. I can walk across the floor without feeling crunching under my feet. And it will only take me a minute to clean up the breakfast dishes and the baby's high chair, leaving my kitchen the way I prefer it - sparkling clean. But how long will it last? Two days ago, there were piles of dirty dishes on the counters, the sink overflowed with them, and just be glad you didn't try to walk across the floor in bare feet.

And don't get me started on laundry! This inept housekeeper of mine works her tail off to catch up on laundry, and everything in the house is clean. Then suddenly, she turns around to find that no one in the house has clean underwear. I know she's trying hard, and that she usually thinks she's keeping up with things, but they get out of control so fast! It seems that we're either in a state of chaos (most of the time), or I'm stressed out every second trying to keep everything perfect. There's no middle ground!

I'm hoping the cleaning lady will get some spring cleaning done in the basement and bedrooms this weekend - it's time to start turning her attention to the yard and the garden, and the house needs to be in good order first. I'm just praying that she can maintain the clean areas of the house while focusing on the not-so-clean parts.

So for any of you who've mistaken my blog title for a declaration of my awesomeness, please note the "in training" part. I won't lie. I got me some mad skillz in the kitchen. I can whip up anything I put my mind to on a sewing machine. And I found out last year that gardening is a simple matter of planting things and watering them, and that anyone who wants to can, can. Don't get me wrong, I know how to clean. My mom taught me how to scrub the heck out of a toilet, and I run my vacuum daily. I just need some help in maintaining a consistent level of cleanliness throughout the house, so that I'm not constantly running to catch up.

Words every mother longs to hear:

2009-03-18T18:08:00.002-06:00

After everyone else had finished eating, Katelyn and I ended up alone at the dinner table tonight. We had a little discussion about healthy eating habits. Then I stood up to clear the dishes while she finished eating and this is what she said to me:

"You know what I decided to do when dinner is so yucky? I decided to eat it all anyway."

I'm learning nightly (from all of the kids, not just Katelyn) that the meals I put so much thought and effort into are pretty gross. It's really fun to watch your 12-year-old fill his glass over and over to wash down the icky veggies he doesn't want to eat. At least he's still doing what he's asked, right? Oh, the joys of being a mother!

Help!

2009-03-10T15:08:00.002-06:00

I am seriously addicted, and my husband is an enabler! My love of shoes is turning to obsession....

(Thanks for the awesome birthday presents, hubby, and everyone else. I'm a spoiled girl!)

Taking out the trash

2009-03-04T13:06:00.006-07:00

I'm trying to decide if what I'm about to confess is going to get me arrested or in trouble with someone, somewhere....

It is really, really, really windy here today. As we speak, the swing on my back patio is lying on its side in the grass, and I'm not going to bother to put it back up until the tornado passes us by. As I turned onto our street, coming home from Katelyn's dance class, I noticed the neighbor's garbage can lying on its side with a few items spilling onto the street. My first thought was, "Thank goodness our can is still standing." I would hate to have to pick up all of my gross trash and put it back in the can, not to mention having things not meant to be seen by others blowing about the neighborhood. (I have to admit that as I started composing this post in my head, my conscience forced me to run across the street and pick up the neighbor's can. I don't trust the garbage men to get out of their fully-automated truck and pick up the can so that it can be emptied by said truck. Luckily nothing too disgusting was on the ground for me to pick up!) This line of thinking led me to reminisce about the things that have gone out with our trash, that I would NOT want to pick up off of the street and put back in our can. You're dying for me to share, right?

When we were first married, we were given a gigantic fish tank by some friends who were moving out of state and couldn't keep it. We took great pride in buying exotic, often expensive, fish for the tank. We spent hours watching that tank, and it was quite relaxing. It was also very frustrating when exotic, expensive fish didn't live long. We flushed a lot of fish, unless they were too big to be flushed down our apartment toilet. One very vivid memory I have is of me carrying a very full bag of garbage down 3 flights of stairs, out of the building, and across the parking lot to the dumpster. I tried to keep the bag as far from my body as possible, because sitting on top of the other nastiness was a gigantic one of these:
You can't tell from the picture, but this fish was at least 12 inches long, and his eyeballs had been eaten out by his dear fish friends. I am a screamer, and I guarantee that people were looking out their windows to see what the fuss was, because every time that bag bumped my leg I shrieked!

A few months ago, there was something much worse in our can outside. Fortunately, I was not the one to carry it out. Remember this guy?

This snake won me great acclaim in the neighborhood as the cool mom who let her son have a 6-foot boa constrictor in his bedroom, in my house! Unfortunately for Tanner, my husband, and Bo the snake, he never got acclimated enough to his environment to feel comfortable eating, and eventually died of starvation. It didn't occur to me at the time that maybe we should have buried him. I was not in any way a witness to his exit from our home. The shrieking would have prompted 9-1-1 calls from our neighbors, to be sure!

I'm not feeling like I should share any more confessions with you today. But I can tell you how glad I am that my profession is not that of a sanitation engineer. And I'm thinking I'll stay away from the dump for the rest of my life....

How about you? Any confessions?

February blahs

2009-02-27T16:29:00.008-07:00

I need to start thinking like a blogger again. I've been dying to post something, but not only am I short on free time, I am also seriously lacking in good blog material. When I started blogging, everything around me provided inspiration. I was constantly composing blog posts in my mind. I think I've allowed all of those unwritten posts to rot in my head for so long now that I can't even recognize a good blog topic if it stares me in the face.

So all month I've been trying to think of something to write about. I just can't think of anything funny or upbeat. See, February is a rough month for me. I think I mentioned that last year. It takes me most of the month to get over myself and move on. (That's right, I said get over myself. It's time to start focusing on others and get myself out of this funk.) I am seriously excited for March to get here, just so it won't be February anymore, and so I can start fresh.

Now I want to give a little shout out to the sweet souls who have helped me get through this month. First of all, my dear friend Alisa, who sent me a package with the most thoughtful note, and these adorable things:

Oops, I already had the baby! This is the part she sent:Too cute, huh? She can't know how much her gift and note lifted my spirits. The timing was uncannily perfect. Thank you, Alisa!

Then there are friends who come into town and make time for a visit. Becky and I were lucky enough to do brunch with Lucy, one of my favorite bloggers and a friend in real life. (OK, it was actually the end of January, but it still counts.) The conversation is always great with Lucy. She's one of the best listeners I have ever met. She makes you feel like she really cares about what you have to say. I hope we all get a chance to do this again soon!

A few weeks ago I was graced with a visit from Becky C, one of my awesome Spokane buddies. She and her family were in town and made an afternoon for us. They were even kind enough to watch my little ones while I took Tanner for a haircut. Talk about nice! And I have to say that Becky looks amazing! See for yourself:

My sister Julie made time in her busy schedule to hang out with me this week and force me to sew. I've been meaning to finish up some projects, but never can allow myself the time. My sister and I are very close and have shared a lot. She's really fun to be around, and I can always be myself. Thanks, sis.

(Obviously this is not a recent picture. It sits on my bedside table in a frame Julie gave me a long time ago. It's probably my favorite picture of the two of us.)

Then there's my husband - my best friend. This month, in addition to listening to my constant ramblings and providing emotional support, he gave me an awesome Valentines gift. Out of the blue, he decided to buy me the dining table of my dreams. Now the house feels so much more finished. Here's the old hunk of junk:

And here's the new beauty:

I wasn't head-over-heels until we sat down and ate a meal with our next door neighbors. The table has plenty of space for people and food, but feels very intimate. Now I'm completely in love!

Last, but not least, I want to thank the friends who keep me going on a day-to-day basis - sisters who I talk to on the phone almost daily, friends who make the time and go to the effort to come to my silly little preschool music group on Thursdays. You guys have no idea how much your time and friendship mean to me. I'm a lucky girl!

Random Thoughts

2009-02-02T20:54:00.002-07:00

I'm supposed to be doing my taxes, but TurboTax gave me a friendly little message when I signed in telling me that their service is currently unavailable. How can that be? I hope the site is up and running soon, but in the meantime....

At my ward bookclub a few weeks ago, I was asked to pick a book for May, when it's my turn to host. When I told the women that I had chosen These Is My Words, two different people corrected me, saying, "You mean, these are my words?" Yes, ladies, my grammar is that bad! In reality, I am a grammar snob, and pick apart every little thing I see or hear in the media. That makes this kind of questioning particularly offensive to me. C'mon, ladies, don't you know I'm a genius by now?
I am dying to plant my garden again! I think about it constantly. For some reason it sounds super fun to spend hours baking in the hot sun with my legs aching from the constant squatting and standing back up. I think I just need something to force me to get outside and get some sort of exercise.
On that note, I took my first walk in ages today. I allowed the kids to ride their bikes while I pushed Aidan in the stroller. We headed to the library, and it took a full hour to get there! I knew I would need a lot of patience, since this was our first time learning the rules of bike-riding beyond our yard. Luckily the walk home was slightly downhill and went a little faster. I hope I have the patience to try it again soon. It doesn't sound very fun now that we've done it.
While I was on the phone with my sister Stephanie this morning, Carter really wanted to talk. I gave him the phone and he proceeded to tell her, "I have a little baby brother. His name is Baby Aidan. We got him from my mom's tummy." And then, immediately, "We saw Santa at Grandma Rose's house." I thought the part about where we got Aidan was hilarious, as was the fact that these incidents are not at all related, and not at all recent. Kids say funny stuff.
When he's not cracking me up with the stuff he says, Carter is trying to send me to a mental hospital. His behavior is the worst it has ever been, and it's constant. He hits and kicks everyone in the family, he talks back and yells at me all the time, he refuses to obey just about anything we ask him to do, and he gets this look on his face and laughs a maniacal laugh that says, "I'll do whatever I want and there's nothing you can do about it." I swear to you I get to the point where I want to throw my hands in the air and walk away from this whole mom gig. I have tried every method of discipline I can think of, and I'm really trying to be consistent and act immediately upon his misbehavior. Any ideas? If he doesn't grow out of this I'm not sure what I'll do......

I guess it's time to see if TurboTax is up again. Later!

So happy...

2009-01-27T10:39:00.004-07:00

Lucy wrote a post recently that I really empathized with, as I'm sure most of us can. I have felt overwhelmed for about 5 months now. The first week or two after Aidan was born felt dream-like. I thought to myself several times, "I can do this. It isn't nearly as hard as I feared it would be." We were keeping the house reasonably clean and the kids somewhat under control. We were all blissfully happy about our new little addition, and about having Tanner permanently in our home. I am so grateful for that little calm before the storm. Since then, the house hasn't stayed clean for even 24 hours at a time, and I feel like I'm constantly trying to catch up on something. Laundry and dishes pile up until I'm ready to switch to disposable dishes and send all of our clothes out to be laundered. At times, I'm sure that I'll never feel good about the state of our home again...that I'll never feel satisfied with the attention I've given my kids...I'll never feel like I've had enough sleep to function.

But please keep reading, because this isn't another one of my posts where I tell you about trying to dig myself out of the depths and how hard life is for me (though I admittedly got out my complaints in the first paragraph). I AM HAPPY! Blissfully happy. I feel unbelievably blessed, and spoiled to death most of the time. There are a couple of reasons for this:

I am head-over-heels in love with my baby! I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Aidan is the happiest little baby. He is constantly smiling, and now he laughs. He makes it impossible for me to be unhappy.

I'm trying to set a good example for Tanner. I have always known that a big part of my role as a mother is to model the behaviors I want my kids to learn. It's a lot easier to get lazy about this when the kids are little and you can convince yourself that they're not really paying attention to every little thing. (Not true at all, I know.) But having a 12-year-old son around all the time has made me very aware of my actions. I want to be an example of healthy eating habits, appropriate speech, manners, compassion toward others, I could go on and on. Above all, I want to model a good attitude. I want him to learn that he can decide to be happy, regardless of the circumstances. I want happiness to come naturally for my kids because that's the environment they grew up in.

I love my kids. We had trouble having a fourth child, and sometimes I was sure it would never happen. Now I feel so incredibly blessed. There is so much love when you have your first child, and it's amazing how that love multiplies each time you add to your family. I don't feel like a very good mother, but I'm a very grateful one.

I have the world's greatest husband. John has been so supportive through all of this. I can't imagine that I would be as patient if the roles were reversed. Who doesn't want to come home to a clean house, a yummy dinner, and have clean laundry when it's needed? And even though he doesn't get much of those things now, he still treats me like a princess. I sometimes wonder if he's building me up so that I'll try to aspire to be the person he believes me to be. I have been pretty much a failure as a wife for months now. He must be able to see how hard I'm trying, or he wouldn't be so good to me. Now, this is going to sound pretty materialistic, but it has to be mentioned. For Christmas, John surprised me with a new van. I had already opened some really awesome presents, and was feeling spoiled rotten, when he tricked me into opening a little box that I thought was a bracelet from Katelyn. It turned out to be a key to my 2009 Town & Country, which was sitting in the driveway with a huge gold bow on it. So now you know that I really am spoiled rotten. But my husband is a genius. Right now, my van is my sanctuary. Carter is in such a naughty stage that I sometimes consider throwing my hands in the air and fleeing motherhood, and Katie is 5, but fully willing to add her own rebellion to the situation far too often. Add a crying baby to that (not too often, but it doesn't take much, and he is teething), and I'm stretched beyond my limits. So I load the kids in the van. I heat up my seat and inhale that smell of new leather. Then I wait for the kids to buckle up and put on their wireless headphones. They choose a show - they can both watch the same thing on 2 screens, or they can each choose their own entertainment. There are 2 DVD players, as well as satellite TV with a choice of Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, or Nickelodeon. I put their viewing choices on the screens, they set the switch on their headphones to the screen they want to watch, and we're off. That's when I get to listen to whatever I want, and I've really fallen in love with satellite radio. (Funny, because I thought it was kind of pointless and unnecessary before having it myself.) Call it escapism, but when we get out of the van, my spirit is rejuvenated and I'm ready to take on more mothering challenges. And the entire time we're out, I feel so spoiled, and so loved. It's amazing what push-button sliding doors can do for a weary soul, especially one that's usually toting a gigantic baby in a car seat.

So now I feel a little embarrassed about bragging up my Christmas present, but I have to give my husband credit for doing something that has made such a huge difference in my daily life. And I want to record my thoughts so that someday I can look back on what a happy time this was, even though it's hectic and crazy. Having 4 kids is kicking my butt, but I'm absolutely loving it!

For the record, I wouldn't even be blogging if I didn't feel better about the state of things in my life. I'm just praying that I can keep things under control so that I can start adding some of my "me" things back into my life (blogging, sewing, playing the piano, etc.). Actually, tonight is my first practice with the German choir I'm considering joining. I hope I can make it work. :)

A fun surprise from a thoughtful friend

2009-01-05T21:00:00.005-07:00

I was in my little courtyard in front of my house on Saturday, painting base molding for John's basement office, when the mailman brought the mail. Seeing the paint brush in my hand, he asked if he should put the mail in the box. He was holding a few letters and a small package. I thanked him, then set down my brush and ran over to see what the package was. I was so excited to see my name on it, and intrigued at the return address. What was Elise sending me? I opened it up and found this inside:

This adorable wipe holder was handmade by Elise for me and my cute little baby. As you can see, it's perfect in every way. She is very talented! And now I feel so stylish when I pull the wipes out of my bag. So thanks Elise! I have to say that you made my day.

Now, just for fun, here are some pics of the cute little baby who will share my fun gift with me:

My Favorite Things #11: O Tannenbaum

2008-12-16T23:49:00.003-07:00

Like my friend Becky, I love the glow of my Christmas tree. You would think I'd get it up earlier so that I can enjoy it longer, but I'm having trouble staying caught up just with the day-to-day right now, so we're lucky we even have a tree! The kids and I went a week ago and picked out a live tree at our local grocery store. They have nice trees for one reasonable price. If I go to a tree lot, the tree I want is always the most expensive, so I prefer the "one price fits all" approach. (No, I haven't given in and bought an artificial tree yet, though I assume I will eventually. I love the smell and, well everything about a real tree!) This year I surrendered all control. I allowed Tanner to pick the tree, although I didn't understand his choice until we got it all decorated. I think it looks great now. I also let the kids put up all of the ornaments without my guidance. I have to admit, I do look at the tree and think that I should move a couple of things. You probably can't tell from the picture, but most of the ornaments are silver and red balls. There are small and large balls of both colors, and half of the red are shiny and half are matte. If I hung the ornaments, I would spend way too much time and effort trying to perfectly alternate the sizes and colors. I'm proud of myself for letting the kids do it and not going back and fixing it. It still has the pleasing glow, and that's all I really care about. I have to mention how excited Carter is that we have a real tree in our house. He must not have been paying attention last year!

I have to include a picture of the three cute little trees outside my front door. My same friend Becky found these on clearance after Christmas last year and was sweet enough to pick a box up for me and for our friend Ally. I had to wait a full year to finally be able to put them up. I love the atmosphere it creates before you enter our home.

Hope you're enjoying your holiday decor!

My Favorite Things #10: A Night Out With My Husband

2008-12-12T17:03:00.002-07:00

.......particularly when there's a free meal involved (department Christmas party), and I've used the event as an excuse to buy a new dress. This will be the first time I've left the baby with anyone other than John, but we've got the cute girl across the street coming to babysit, and I trust her completely. I'm looking forward to a night of being just a wife. It re-energizes me and makes me appreciate being a mother.

My Favorite Things #9: My Little People Nativity

2008-12-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

I asked my mom to get this for me for my birthday when we lived in Spokane. It's one of my favorite things to get out at Christmas time. I think the pictures say it all:

My Favorite Things #8: Little Girls in Leotards

2008-12-09T23:40:00.002-07:00

Katelyn started taking dance in September. We were referred to an amazing teacher who has a preschool (Katie's only in the dance class) in addition to teaching creative dance to students of all ages. She's been doing it for over 30 years now, and her daughters are also teachers. Every December all of her students (there are over 100) perform the Nutcracker at a local high school. This week we had dress rehearsals on Monday and Tuesday nights, and the performances are Wednesday and Thursday. Every child gets a chance to be seen on the stage, which of course the parents love. I'm so excited to go tomorrow and watch the look on John's face when he sees his adorable little girl up there - he still hasn't seen her dance at all.

My Favorite Things #7: Blogging

2008-12-08T23:26:00.002-07:00

It's been a little over a year and a half since I started my blog. It didn't take me long to realize what a great way it is to stay connected with friends, and to make new connections with people I may not have had the opportunity to meet. Blogging has been a source of comfort for me. It has been an outlet. It's been entertaining, and it's been uplifting. When life has kept me from being able to post or read others' posts, I've felt like something is missing. I could go on and on about why I love to blog and the positive effects of blogging, but you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't already know. So thanks for taking the time to read my blog, and for putting yourself out there for me and everyone else with your blog. If you're wondering who I'm referring to, check out the blogs on the side of the page. (If your blog is private, I obviously didn't include it in the list, but not because I don't love you.)

So for the love of blogging, I'm going to respond to the tag from Ginger yesterday:

1. Do you like bleu cheese? Not usually, but nothing goes better with hot wings than bleu cheese dressing.
2. Have you ever smoked? I've never smoked a cigarette. I always hated the smell so badly that I couldn't imagine inhaling the stuff.
3. Do you own a gun? No. We're considering it, though.
4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? Grape, but I was always nervous that it would give me a Kool-Aid mustache, so to this day I'm very careful when I drink it.
5. Do you get nervous about doctor appointments? Only when it's time for one of my kids to get shots. I don't like that one bit.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? About once a year, a hot dog sounds really good. Then it takes me another year to work up a craving again. Of course, that doesn't count polish dogs at Costco. Those almost always sound good, loaded with onions and ketchup and mustard. Oh, and corn dogs are a different thing altogether!
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Because it's my husband's favorite, I've come to love It's a Wonderful Life.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Despite my recent post, in the morning all I want is cold, cold water. Always.
9. Can you do push-ups? I hope I could do a couple, but that's about all I could hope for right now.
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My wedding ring. That's the only serious jewelry I own, anyway.
11. Favorite hobby? Playing the piano. Blogging and sewing are close behind.
12. Do you have ADD? I never have, but I'm going through a stage where I'm having trouble focusing on one thing at a time. It's driving me crazy!
13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? Just one? Procrastination is at the top of the list.
14. Middle initial? M.
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? It's really hard to type without using my left index finger. I need to get to bed. I hope Carter sleeps through the night.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Diet Dr. Pepper and water. Those are the most regular.
17. Current worry? My house is a mess.
18. Current hate right now? Headaches.
19. Favorite place to be? In the living room with my husband after the kids are in bed.
20. How did you ring in the new year? With good friends and too much food.
21. Where would you like to go? I am always aching to go to Europe, but I've been thinking a lot about Hawaii lately. I've never been there.
22. Name 3 people to tag? Cassie, Becky K, Becky C
23. Do you own slippers? Yes, but I never wear them. I should!
24. What shirt are you wearing? One that looked cute to me right after I had the baby, but has lost its magic.
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? Never tried it.
26. Can you whistle? Yes, but I can't do that super loud whistle with 2 fingers in your mouth. I've always wanted to be able to do that!
27. Favorite color? I always say purple, but I like a lot of different colors in different contexts.
28. Would you be a pirate? Never. It would make me way too sad to steal from people.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't think I've sung in the shower since I had kids. I'm always listening for someone to be crying or causing trouble while I hurry as fast as possible.
30. Favorite girl's name? Katelyn Elizabeth, of course.
31. Favorite boy's name? C'mon! Carter, Aidan, and Tanner.
32. What's in your pocket right now? I'm proud to say that my comfy lounge pants have no pockets!
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My little baby looking up at me and smiling and cooing like crazy.
34. What vehicle do you drive? A 2001 Chrysler Town & Country. Minivans rock!
35. Worst injury? Sewing through my fingernail into my bone.
36. Do you love where you live? Yes and no, for many reasons. But I truly believe that there's a reason we live here right now. The people around us are amazing!
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 4
38. Who is your loudest friend? You have to read Ginger's response to this because it's hilarious and it echoes my sentiments. While I don't really have loud friends, my son Carter has the loudest voice you've ever heard - seriously!
39. Do you have any pets? Yes. Two cats and a snake. A big, giant, snake.
40. Does someone have a crush on you? I think my baby does. I catch him watching me, just waiting for me to look at him. Then when I look, he gives me the biggest smile he possible can. Sounds like I'm the one with the crush!
41. Your favorite book? I always have a hard time with favorites. Right now I'd narrow it down to A Handmaid's Tale, 1984, and Crime and Punishment.
42. Do you collect anything? I had a lot of collections as a kid - coins, erasers, small glass animals - but I can't think of any collections that I've held onto or started since then. I'd like to say that I collect shoes, but I don't think I have enough to be taken seriously.
43. Favorite sports team? I really don't watch sports. The closest I come is having golf on while I do things around the house if I happen to be alone. It's peaceful, but entertaining at the same time.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral? I don't ever think about what should or will happen at my funeral. Off the top of my head, I'd say Rachmaninoff's second piano concerto, second movement.

My Favorite Things #6: Christmas Lights

2008-12-07T20:42:00.002-07:00

I loooooooooooove Christmas lights! When I was little, my parents liked to drive us around town just to look at lights. I've done it with my kids a few times, but now that they're getting old enough to remember, I want to make it a tradition.

My Favorite Things #5: Diet Dr. Pepper

2008-12-06T22:23:00.003-07:00

Sorry, but it has to be said. I'm at a phase in my life where I'm particularly attached to that sweet, sweet nectar. For the first few months of my pregnancy, I couldn't stand the thought of carbonation of any kind. Then I suddenly developed an intense craving and got into a bad habit - going to the gas station for a DDP from the fountain, with a few squirts of cherry for good measure. A few weeks after Aidan was born my addiction became serious. My body realized that it was operating on a substantial sleep deficit, and I felt so much better with that caffeine boost to get me through the day. So for a few months, I drank at least 44 ounces of pop daily. Wow, that's crazy for a girl who grew up only having soda a few times a month, if that!

Now my life is getting back to some degree of normalcy and I'm only awakened 2 or 3 times each night by one of my two little boys. I don't really need the caffeine as much. So I get a fountain drink about twice a week, and I rarely finish it, even though I've downgraded to 32 ounces. But I still love Diet Dr. Pepper. It will always have a special place in my heart.

(If you think I'm strange for blogging about my love for a caffeinated beverage, check out these awesome ladies, who've both done the same. See, I'm not so weird, after all.)

My Favorite Things #4: Shopping

2008-12-05T21:28:00.005-07:00

You've read about my not-so-impressive television habits. Now I'm going to come clean about my materialistic addiction to shopping. Boy, you're going to get to know me this month if you don't already!

I love to shop. My favorite things to shop for are (in order of importance) shoes, clothes for my kids, home decor, fabric, and clothes for me. Most of the time my shopping is more window shopping than purchasing. I buy a few things here and there, but I'm always looking for screaming deals and I'm hesitant to buy much if I feel like I'm spending more than is necessary. There are very few shopping trips where I come home with more than a few things. And as luck would have it, when I have money in hand and want to make a substantial purchase, I usually can't find anything worthy of my money. For instance, last year my mom gave me money to buy shoes for my birthday. I went to the mall and searched every single store. I tried on dozens of shoes and went back to stores a second time to reevaluate their selection. I went home empty handed and had to look elsewhere before finding the perfect pair. This is probably a good thing, because I end up really loving and appreciating what I buy in the end.

I know, you're just dying to hear where I shop. You're in luck, because I'm about to tell you.

For shoes:
Nordstrom or Nordstrom Rack
Dillards
Bakers
any little boutique I can find with a funky shoe selection
EBay*
Famous Footwear, only lately because I'm short on $

For kids' clothes:
Children's Place
Carters (because I have a baby again)
Old Navy

For home decor:
Ikea
Tai Pan Trading (just went there today!)
Pier One
Bath & Body Works (OK, it's not decor, but it's for my home)

For fabric: Any quilt shop I can find, specifically:
Material Girl
Quilter's Haven
Brooks
Fabric Center
JoAnn's

For my clothes:
Ann Taylor, hands down
Ann Taylor Loft
Ann Taylor factory store
Do you see a trend? I've purchased 1 pair of jeans in the past year and only a handful of other items.

As for the *, my sweet husband is currently shopping for my Christmas present. He spends hours every night searching the internet for the perfect pair of boots. We're in the process of trying to sell the Manolo Blahniks he bought for me because they're too small, and that money can go toward a new pair of something. My sweet husband is becoming very educated about boots - Manolo Blahnik, Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin, Dolce & Gabbana, Dior - all of which he looks at every night and all of which are way out of our price range. But it sure is fun, and it makes me feel very spoiled.

Now I'm dying to know, where do you like to shop?

My Favorite Things #3: My Parents

2008-12-04T22:44:00.003-07:00

I LOVE my mom and dad! This picture was taken at the Messiah Sing-Along last weekend. It's an event we've tried to attend together as a family every year. One of the best things my parents did for me was to teach me to love music. When I was little, I watched in awe as my mom played the piano and the guitar. I loved to sit with my dad in church and listen to his deep voice as he sang the hymns. I loved playing their records on the record player in our living room, and I thought the 8-track to cassette converter in my dad's old Plymouth Duster was the bomb!

Because of my mom's example, I begged to take piano lessons. My parents told me I could start lessons when I turned eight, and I was ready to go the minute my birthday rolled around. Now, even though I don't get much time to play and I'm getting pretty rusty, I'll always have that ability. It's one of the things that makes me truly happy. As does singing. I don't have an incredible voice, but I have a good ear and I love singing in group settings. Being a part of a concert hall full of people belting out their parts that intertwine and create beautiful harmonies is a spiritual experience for me.

I can't leave out the the music I grew up listening to. I'll always have a special place in my heart for Wagner, and for The Carpenters, America, Abba, John Denver, and Peter, Paul, & Mary. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for giving me the gift of music.

My Favorite Things #2: My TV Shows

2008-12-03T21:16:00.033-07:00

I was saving this post for a day when I didn't have time for anything longer and more meaningful. Unfortunately, that day is today. I'll save the details for another time, but trust me, it's been one heck of a day!

Have you ever wondered how the Bells spend their evenings? Well, after dinner, I spend time helping the kids with their chores. Some nights there is homework to be done. Every night Tanner and John read to themselves while I read aloud to the little kids. Then it's jammies and toothbrushing and tucking kids in bed. And then, John and I have our together time. Some nights that time is pretty short, but most nights we have time to watch one show together. (It helps to have a DVR, because the shows take significantly less time to watch that way, and we're not at the mercy of the networks' schedules either.) So we watch TV, we talk, we mock everything, we laugh our heads off, and we love every minute of it! Here are the shows we watch together:

I tried to put them in order of importance, but that changes depending on the season and our moods and.................whatever.

There are some shows that John refuses to watch, or that we don't have time for. These shows I watch while I feed the baby in the middle of the night or while I'm cleaning. Once again, I tried to put them in order, but it really depends on what's on (a lot are seasonal) and what my mood is.

OK, so I realize this list makes me look like a total TV junkie, and I really am. But not all of the shows are on all of the time. And believe me, with 4 kids I am not a couch potato! Remember, I'm up at least once in the night, and I have to stop every 2 to 3 hours during the day to feed my baby.

So I have two questions for you:

1: What have I left out? and

2: What are your favorite shows?

My Favorite Things #1: Reconnecting

2008-12-02T13:32:00.011-07:00

It's always awesome to hang out with people who live far away. In June, my baby sister Cassie came out for a visit. She stayed with us for a few days and the kids had a blast with her baby boy, Evan. While she was here, we went for a walk with my sister Stephanie. We walked from her house to the Bountiful Temple and back. It's only about 5 miles round trip, but it's all uphill on the way up, and super steep, then just as steep downhill on the way back. Being 7 1/2 months pregnant, I had a hard time, especially pushing 70+ pounds worth of kids! It's the only walk that comes close to my beloved Spokane walk in difficulty.

In August, I had an opportunity to see my dear friend Alisa. She was in the state for a wedding, so the kids and I drove a few hours and met her with her darling kids at a park. We had a delicious KFC lunch and chatted while the kids played. I hadn't seen Alisa since we all left Spokane in June of 2007. You know you've got a great friendship when you can pick up like you were never apart. Here are our kids:

Unfortunately I was too shy (and I HATE pictures of myself) to ask for a picture of the two of us, so I hope she'll forgive me for stealing this pic from her blog:

I can't wait for our next rendezvous. I just hope it lasts a little longer!

In October, my friend Lucy was in town for a few days and stopped by for a visit. Lucy was already living in Spokane when I moved there, and we wasted a year in the same city, not being friends. I was introduced to her, ran into her a couple of times, and heard nothing but good about her, but we never had a chance to get to know each other. Then when we both moved from Spokane, we ended up in the same city again for another year. This time, we did get to know each other, although I think we should have spent more time together. She was nice enough to bring her kids to my MusicMakers class every week, and Becky and I thoroughly enjoyed our chats afterword at my house. Here's the picture her cutie Seth took for us:

Becky and I are planning a road trip to visit her someday soon.....

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

2008-12-01T17:00:00.002-07:00

It's December! I can't believe that Christmas is only 25 days away! We have no snow on the ground, and this afternoon the temperature gauge in my van read 58 degrees. I love the mild weather, so I'm really not complaining. It just takes me a little longer to get into the holiday spirit when it doesn't feel like Christmas time. But I'm excited now. We even got a good portion of our shopping done this weekend. Now I just need to decorate...

You may have noticed that my posts have been few and far between lately. I'm still trying to adjust my routine to life with 4 kids and feedings every few hours. Don't get me wrong - I'm loving it! I just haven't figured out how to fit blogging in again. But I'm going to. Hopefully sooner than later, because I want to try something new this month. Beginning tomorrow, I'm going to post something every day, and I'm going to call it "My Favorite Things." The posts will be in no particular order. I'm hoping this will give me a chance to catch up on things that I didn't get to blog about this summer. And maybe it will give people a reason to start checking my blog again! Can you even wait for tomorrow?! See you then!

Ta-da!

2008-11-20T10:25:00.005-07:00

All right, I think it's time for a new post. Aren't you sick of looking at that X-ray? I don't have a lot of time today, so I thought I'd share some fun pictures. (I apologize to those of you who have been in my house and seen my kitchen a million times already.)

In July, I was spoiled enough to get my new countertops! There was no way I was going to pay the extra money to have my old countertops removed, so we did it ourselves. I crawled around in the cupboards and found all of the screws and loosened them, then pried the countertops away from the walls. Once they were completely unattached, I had my big strong husband lift them off and carry them out. I had to repair and repaint the wall, and then the installers came with the new countertops. I'm so excited because the kitchen is basically done now! It's been a long road and a lot of work.

So just for fun, here's a step-by-step view of the transformation. First, the kitchen when the previous owners lived here:

Next, we painted the cupboards white (and the top of the wall green):

Then, we installed a new floor and repaired and painted the backsplash:
And finally, drum roll please.......................new countertops:

In case you're wondering, they're laminate with a shiny and slightly textured finish. The dark, granite-like color is a departure from my usual style, but I really like the contrast it brings to the white cabinets.

Thanks for looking! Hopefully I'll have time for a more interesting post soon!

WARNING: Do NOT try this at home

2008-11-08T10:35:00.004-07:00

I have to tell you before you read this that I am a reasonably intelligent individual. You may find that hard to believe after hearing my story.

Two weeks ago I had a little sewing accident. John was on call at the hospital, so my sister and I were sewing while our kids played. Julie left around 10:30 and I went back to my machine to try to finish the blanket I was working on. I had been having trouble with my bobbin for the last hour that we'd been working, so I was very frustrated and rushing to get the last seam sewn. In my hurry, I managed to sew through my left index finger. No joke. The needle went through my fingernail just above the cuticle and broke off inside of my finger tip. I was in shock at first, and it took me a minute to figure out what had happened. It took about 10 minutes before the pain kicked in - and boy did it kick in! I called John, who was just leaving to come home, to see if I should go have it x-rayed. We decided not to, and he came home and shot lidocaine into my finger so that I could sleep.

I felt pretty good about not doing anything, mostly because my sister Julie had done the same thing about a year ago, and she did go to the ER. They took an X-ray, then cut open her finger and tried to find the needle. They repeated the process several times and were never able to find the darned thing. Eventually, it worked its way out of her finger. So I figured I'd skip the pain - and the ER bill - and let nature take its course.

For two weeks I haven't been able to touch anything with that finger because the needle was digging into my skin from inside. When the pain started getting worse, I went to see John at work and finally got it X-rayed. Here's what we saw:

The needle went through my bone. Obviously it wasn't going to come out on its own, and I didn't like the idea of getting stabbed if I ever touched anything, so I asked John to perform surgery for me. We created the most sterile environment possible on a kitchen table, then John numbed me up and went to work. The needle wasn't close enough to the surface, so he had to cut into my finger. Let me tell you, it's not easy to pull a needle out of bone! It was so difficult and took so long that we almost gave up. But he got it! Tanner held a flashlight for John through the entire surgery, and I never looked at it once.

Now, thanks to my doctor hubby, I have three stitches in my finger tip and I'm needle free! If only it would stop throbbing...

Our new addition

2008-11-06T19:30:00.005-07:00

No, unfortunately I'm not referring to my sweet little Aidan. Our new addition is Tanner's new pet. My 12-year-old is the proud owner of a 6-foot boa constrictor named Bo. He's as excited as any 12-year-old boy could be, as you can see by the gigantic smile on his face:

Here's another pic, this more of a "look how cool my new snake is" shot:

He brought some friends home to admire Bo today, and they were definitely impressed. I felt pretty awesome standing there next to Tanner, with a snake wrapped around his neck and shoulders, as his friends both said, "My mom would never let me have a pet snake. She's too scared of them."

So let's be honest. Am I scared of Bo? I was running errands last night while Tanner and John went to purchase the snake. On my way home, I vowed to go inside and hold the snake and feign excitement to make Tanner feel good. When I walked into the room and saw how big the snake really is, I was a bit taken aback. I decided that Bo and I might need to warm up to each other a little before we start snuggling. But I'm not scared of him. We've had enough snakes in the past that I'm not afraid to touch them, and I know that boas don't bite. I'm a little nervous about the whole constriction thing, but if Tanner can handle the thing, I should be alright, right? I did have a little scare today when I poked my head into Tanner's room to check on Bo and found myself looking at an empty tank. My heart just about stopped beating - until I saw him coiled up in his gigantic water dish. You don't have to be terrified of snakes to be a little worried about having a 6-foot boa slithering around your house unattended.

By the way, here is one of Katelyn's snakes, which we have had for a few weeks. (John found one while he was fishing, then got the other at the pet store.) They're very skinny and only 10 to 12 inches long. Their names are Fred and Snakey. I'm definitely not scared of them, but I have to admit that I have yet to hold either of them.

Now, please pray for me that I won't wake up to a large boa missing from his cage and one of my cats strangled and swallowed whole!

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T22:56:00.006-06:00

I have a confession to make. I don't like Halloween. I'm sure that I got this from my mom. She has always hated Halloween. It's a very dark holiday, with all of the ghosts, goblins, witches, and other scary things. She always had my sisters and me dress up as harmless characters like clowns (we each had to do that several times) or Raggedy Ann. Once I got out on my own, it seemed that Halloween was just an excuse for girls to wear the skimpiest outfits possible with some ears and a tail and call themselves cats or bunnies or something equally nonsensical.

As a mom, I still don't love Halloween. If you enter my home, you can tell. We have our carved pumpkins outside, because that's a really fun things to do with the kids. Inside there are a few very small Halloween decorations - a small black cat, a wooden witch someone gave me years ago - and the infamous witch legs that hold candy for trick-or-treaters. I prefer fall decorations like pumpkins, gourds, and multi-colored leaves. But I've learned to appreciate Halloween for the joy it brings to my kids. This month has been really fun in my little MusicMakers group, where we've sung fun Halloween songs and used ghosts and bats and witches and spiders as props. And for our final October meeting we had a party where all of the kids wore their costumes. We made witches' brew, felt decaying body parts in the dark (spaghetti noodles for brains, peeled grapes for eyes, a peeled tomato for a heart, hot dogs for fingers, etc.), and decorated sugar cookies. The best part of Halloween as a parent is taking the little ones trick-or-treating. It's fun to visit all of our friends and neighbors, and even more fun to see the delight in the kids' eyes as they fill their bags with candy.

So I don't hate Halloween anymore. I look forward to how much fun it will be for the kids. Here are the cute little trick-or-treaters (you can tell that Aidan didn't enjoy dressing up as much as the other kids):

And now for another confession. I'm in love. I'm infatuated. I'm OBSESSED with the new man in my life. I want to spend every waking moment holding and loving the little guy. I took him to the ward book club last week (just to show him off), and when he started cooing and looking at me with his sweet little eyes, I wanted to run home so that I could get in his face and coo back at him for half an hour like I do when I'm not in public.

Now he's crying and fussing at me for ignoring him while I wrote this post. It's no wonder I haven't blogged for two months! I'll leave you with some pictures of him:

I know, he's adorable!

To my sweetheart

2008-10-17T10:44:00.002-06:00

Happy birthday, hubby. I wish I could give you the world for your birthday. You deserve so much more than you ever get. You work so hard for our family, and you're the best dad - the kids just adore you and have more fun with you than anyone else. Above all, you're the most wonderful, supportive husband. I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you.

(I won't include a picture, because I know how much you hate that.)

Happy Birthday, Carter Bean!

2008-09-22T19:59:00.006-06:00

Today my little boy turns 3. We spent the weekend celebrating, with a party for his friends on Saturday and a family party yesterday. What a spoiled kid - we've got new toys all over our house! Carter has been the baby of our family until 5 weeks ago, so it seems like he's younger than three years old. On the other hand, he's been potty trained for at least a year, and he does pretty much everything his big sister does, so he seems a lot older than he is. But Carter is a true 3-year-old in his behavior. We've had a heck of a time with him since his baby brother was born. He's been pretty tough to deal with! But he's getting better and we love him to death even when he's being bratty.

A few things that I want to remember about Carter at this age:

He's very observant. He asked me last week, "Why do you have holes in your ears, Mama?" Now he always wants to check out my earrings. I don't think Katelyn even knows my ears are pierced! He likes to compare himself to everyone else. He notices how big his ears/thumbs/feet/hands are compared to Aidan, and how little everything is compared to John and me. My favorite is when he sat on the floor next to me and said, "Mama, you have a big bottom!"
He's much tidier than his siblings. He can mess his room up with the best of them, but when he wants it clean, he keeps it perfect. He woke up in the night last week and accidently knocked over his blocks on the way to the door. He came out of his room crying, "I messed up my room. I messed up my room." When we finish dinner, his shirt has less food on it than Katelyn's OR Tanner's!
He loves his little brother to death. He would literally love him to death if we allowed it. We've been trying to teach him to be more gentle with Aidan so he doesn't smother him.
He says the cutest things! On Saturday morning he was eating his breakfast and he said excitedly, "Cereal can swim, huh Mama? They can swim in milk!" I catch myself laughing at little things that he says all day long. I need to remember to write down more of them!

Here are some birthday pics:

The birthday cake - Thomas, of course!

Carter "unwrapping" his new bike. He's in love with it!

Carter is a little speed demon. It's so cute to see them riding together!

I just love this picture of Carter. He looks so old with one hand in his pocket.

Checking in

2008-09-17T09:05:00.006-06:00

Just thought I'd say hi. I haven't figured out yet how to fit blogging in, and I miss it! Man, I forgot how hard it is to have a new baby! But all of us just adore him. And we're loving life with Tanner here full time. So we're hanging in there.

Here are some pictures to tide you over until I come back for real:

I know I'm biased, but isn't he the cutest thing? He's really chunked up in the last month!

First Day of School

2008-08-29T19:55:00.003-06:00

Tanner started junior high last Monday. I was the mom who embarrassed her kid to death by taking his picture before he left to grab the bus. Actually, I have a vivid memory of my first day of junior high and my mom taking my picture on the steps of the school. In the picture I have a dirty look on my face and I was NOT happy! So I looked up and down the street to make sure there weren't any kids out to witness our little photo session. And maybe it's that Tanner's a boy, but he didn't seem too bugged by me and my camera.

Luckily I spent the week before Aidan was born getting Tanner ready for school. We went shopping for school clothes, with Katelyn and Carter in tow, and Aidan in my very pregnant belly. (Talk about being thrown into the fire!) My memories of school shopping aren't too great, so I really dreaded doing this. Thank goodness that boys are way less picky than girls, and the only real downside to the whole thing was the sick feeling I had in my stomach for the following week because of how much money the venture cost us. We also registered Tanner for school. Throw in an orthodontist appointment and haircuts for all of the kiddos and it was a busy week, but I'm glad I got it out of the way before the baby came.

I was really nervous the whole first day of school, wondering how it would go for Tanner and worried that he would have a bad experience. In reality, his backpack got jammed in his locker and he had to have the janitors open it for him, and he almost missed the bus home in the process. I watched him as he relayed the details, and I was amazed that he never lost the ear-to-ear grin on his face or the enthusiasm in his voice. He is really liking school, and making friends amazingly fast. He already had pals at the bus stop after the first day, and girls have been coming to see him nonstop for a week now. (Don't even get me started on that. It's a subject that needs its very own post!) I'm impressed with his good attitude and I hope he can hold onto it--he really needs it right now.

So I survived my first "first day of school." I'm just doing it a little bit out of order. I wonder what sending kids off to kindergarten will be like?

Announcing...

2008-08-18T18:06:00.012-06:00

...the birth of Aidan Phillip Bell!

I am sitting at the computer, trying to type with one hand while I hold the newest addition to our little family. Aiden was born at 11:01 p.m. on August 16th. He weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces, and was 20.5 inches long. The labor went so smoothly! Once they got us into our room at the hospital, they had to give me 2 bags of IV antibiotics, so they didn't want me to deliver until those were in. If it hadn't been for that, I think the whole thing would have been over in a flash. As it happened, it took about 8 1/2 hours from the time I started having regular, painful contractions (at Costco) to when Aidan was born. But it only took about 6 minutes from the time I started pushing! John and I were amazed at how easy the delivery was!

Here are some pictures from the hospital:

Mom and baby about an hour after birth. Aidan swallowed some meconium,

so they rushed him away and we didn't get him back until he was all bathed and

perfect. His face is puffy and slightly bruised from the super quick delivery.

Katelyn and her new little brother.

Carter and Aidan.

The new and improved Bell family, minus Tanner, who hadn't joined us yet.

On his way!

2008-08-16T20:48:00.002-06:00

I'm in labor! I could kind of tell all day that things were happening, but I've only ever been induced, so I wasn't sure what to expect. John was working, and I took the kids to Costco, trying to get my last minute errands done. That was where the contractions started getting harder and closer together. By the time I got to the checkout, I was pretty sure I was in labor. Luckily, my brother-in-law was close to my house, so he met me there to pick up the kids. (Thank you, Cory. I don't know what I would have done without you!) The contractions were getting closer and closer, in the 2 to 3 minute range, so he drove me to the hospital, where John was working. (I don't think he's disappointed that he had to call someone to cover his shift.)

Now we're in the delivery room watching the Olympics. I've got my epidural going. I always have one spot that doesn't numb, but I feel so much better than I did when I got to the hospital. I don't have any idea how long this labor will be--it's a whole new ball game without the pitocin.

We are so excited to meet our little baby Aidan! We'll post pictures when he arrives. Wish us luck!

Plain and Simple

2008-07-29T09:24:00.002-06:00

So you've probably noticed another long period of blog silence from me. And you may be a little nervous about how I'll break my silence, given my history. You see, I tend to shut down when I hit a rough patch, then come back and vomit my troubles out when I feel I'm starting to work through them.

Well, that's certainly the case here. In four weeks, I will go from being a mother of two with a stepson we see every other weekend, to a mother of four, including a newborn and a junior high student. Not only will my stepson be tackling the demons of adolescence in junior high, but he'll be doing this while grieving the loss of his mother and adapting to full-time life in our home. I am in over my head here, folks.

Here's the thing. I have always wanted a lot of kids. And ever since John and I got married, we've talked about how great it would be to have custody of Tanner. These changes are not unwanted. They're just coming at me a little faster than I expected. And I'm scared. It actually makes me feel better just to say that. I'm scared that I don't have what it takes to give all of these people what they need from me. Now having said that, there's a part of me that's excited to prove that I can handle this. I can be a good mom who makes wise decisions that help to guide her children successfully through life's struggles. That's the attitude I'm taking into this battle with me starting four weeks from yesterday, which is coincidentally the day Tanner starts school and I'm scheduled to be induced.

I probably wouldn't be so thrown by all of this if I hadn't been struggling inside of myself already. For the last four years, I've ridden the roller coaster that is being a stay-at-home mom. I'm in love with the job, yet I can't seem to find the sense of fulfillment I so desire. I catch glimpses of it now and then, but I struggle to hold onto it. Well, this week I caught another glimpse, and I really want to capture my feelings before they get lost again.

This month my neighborhood book club is reading Plain and Simple, by Sue Bender. It's the true story of a woman who is so fascinated with the Amish that she spends some time living with Amish families. In doing so, she learns some principles that she takes with her and incorporates into her life, helping to answer some questions she's always had about herself. Here are a few of those principles and how they apply to my life:

Value the process and the product. I can see the importance of having clean laundry, a clean house, a meal on the table, but I often resent the work. If I can find joy in the little things that I do all day, I will be infinitely happier.
Live in time. Rather than rushing through tasks to get them done and move on to the next thing, experience each moment. This is so important as a mother, because I often miss the special moments with my kids in my rush. The days when I pay attention to all the little things that happen as we go are the days when I feel good about life and my role as a mother.
Celebrate the ordinary. Even the little things like the laundry and dishes are important. I can feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, even if the only things I've done are these ordinary things.
Home is the focus of life. It's o.k. that this is where I spend the bulk of my time. Making it a place where my family and I feel good is important.
Life is art. The beauty of the creation, not the ego of the creator, is important. This may sound a little abstract, but go with me for a second. I have struggled with letting go of my quest to become an accomplished artist - in music and in sewing. I can't put real time and focus into these things and still give my children everything they need. It is so freeing to think that I can have music in my home - playing the piano, singing, teaching my children these things - and I can create things - blankets and clothes for my children to love and use - and in these ways I bring art to my family. We can be surrounded by beauty, even without the music degree I so want to finish, or the ego that comes with labeling myself an "artist."

I think I can use these principles to help me feel more fulfilled in the role I've chosen in this life, even as things get busier and I face more difficult challenges. In all honesty, I just want to go to bed at night on a day when I've fed my family, done the dishes, folded some laundry, watered the garden, read to my kids, and helped with homework, and feel like I have accomplished important things and enjoyed myself at the same time. Do you think I can do it? If so, I may just have discovered the secret of life.

Breaking my children's hearts, one dog at a time

2008-07-14T12:45:00.004-06:00

I think I'm the worst mom ever. Now that I say that, I could list a thousand points that support it, but let's not go there today. I'm feeling lousy about my parenting skills right now because I just made my kids say goodbye to their dog and watch her ride away in someone else's car. Why? Let me give you some history.

A few years ago we got a puppy. She was a terrier mix, and she was the worst dog we could have chosen for our family. She barked constantly, and she nipped at the kids. We couldn't take the noise, and we couldn't protect our kids from her every minute, so after almost 2 years of trying to make it work, we found her a new home. We found a nice older couple who wanted a dog as a surrogate child, and I felt great about it. The kids still ask about Tessie quite often.

A few months after parting with Tessie, we felt ready to try a different dog. We had looked at lots of different kinds of dogs, and had long discussions about what would fit our family. We felt certain that we needed a big dog that was smart and gentle. Enter Sadie, our golden lab/retriever puppy. We tried so hard to love her and make her fit our family. She did all of the things that puppies do - mainly, she chewed our house to pieces. She ripped apart toys, shoes, tools, and lawn furniture. I blamed myself for leaving things out, because I know that puppies need to chew. I bought her chew toys and tried to be vigilant about keeping things out of her reach. John built her a nice little dog run so that we could lock her up when other kids came around - her size was pretty intimidating. Here's what she did to it:

Her undoing came when she decided to start ripping our trees out of the ground. We planted a couple of baby trees at the end of spring and she would not leave them alone! Each time, we tried to save the tree the first time she ripped it out, and I tried putting cages around them, spraying them with dog repellant, everything I could think of. And each time, she got to it a second or third time and shredded the poor thing so that it was beyond saving. It got to the point where I didn't dare leave her outside without looking out the window every 3 minutes. With a baby on the way, this just wasn't going to work. And with all of this destruction, I was dealing far too often with an angry husband who wanted the dog gone. Our final realization was that WE ARE NOT DOG PEOPLE! I know that Sadie will get through the puppy phase and be a calm, gentle, family dog. But nothing about dog ownership has worked for us, so we're calling it quits for good.

So I think (hope, pray) that I found a nice home for Sadie. And unfortunately for our kids, we will never own a dog again. It's not fair to the poor animals, and I feel sad for Tessie and Sadie that they had to be the ones to teach us our lesson. I know that our home will be a more peaceful place, and that my stress level just went down a ton. So why am I bawling?

I'm trying to hide my sadness from the kids, because they're already upset. I guess I'll go help them build a house for the cats. That should distract them, right?

Goodbye, Sadie. We'll miss you. (I know, hubby, you won't. But I will, and the kids will for a long time.)

Her Imaginary Friend

2008-07-13T13:15:00.002-06:00

It's been a couple of months since Katelyn first mentioned Helma. I knew right away that she had invented this friend, because we were in the car and she said that Helma was sitting next to her. She didn't appreciate my questions at first, but I've gradually been able to get more information. Here's what I've learned:

Helma is usually a boy, although today I was informed that Helma changes from a boy to a girl.
Helma is anywhere from age 2 to age 4, depending on the day.
Helma is from a different world.
Helma can do magic.
Helma dances funny.
Helma is silly, and he thinks that Katelyn is silly.
Sometimes Helma doesn't want to play.

Carter has gotten to know Helma, too. Sometimes I'll overhear him ask Katelyn about Helma, or I'll hear them talking about Helma and laughing. Helma has even been blamed for naughty things that have been done by other little people in our house.

I always thought it was cute when little kids had imaginary friends, but I wasn't sure if it would be disturbing as a parent, like some sign that there's something wrong. But I'm not worried at all that Katelyn actually believes in Helma's existence (although Carter might). And I think it's a fun way to gain insight into Katelyn's moods and thoughts. So for now, I think we'll keep Helma around.

How many have YOU read?

2008-07-08T21:32:00.002-06:00

I'm not big on memes. I think it's because usually by the time I get them, everyone I know has done them and I feel like I don't have anything original to say. But this one seemed way too fun to pass up. Thanks for letting me steal it, Amy! It's the Top 100 list of books from The Big Read, which averages that most people have read six or fewer books from the list. I was pretty excited to rank above average! Here goes:

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read (as in the book is bought and sitting on my shelf).
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
Ready? OK!

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen. I think I'm the only one of my sisters not head-over-heels in love with this book/movie. But having rewatched the Keira Knightley version recently, I'm feeling like re-reading the book.
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien. Sorry to you Tolkien readers, including my husband - I'm just not a fantasy girl.
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte. One of my favorites! I wanted to choose it for my book club, but wasn't so sure the others would agree.
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling. Again, sorry. Just can't get into the magic stuff. Don't hate me!
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee. My husband and I both love the book and the movie with Gregory Peck.
6. The Bible. Unfortunately I can't claim to have finished the Bible cover-to-cover. Better make that a life goal, huh?
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte.
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell. This one makes at least my top ten favorites list. I absolutely love this genre and would recommend that everyone read it!
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott. I loved this as a child and want Katelyn to read it for sure.
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy. I found this book too dark for me when I read it in high school. Wonder what I'd think now?
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller.
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare. John and I started to read Shakespeare together when we were dating. We would go to the park with a blanket - so romantic. I think he's read it all, but I haven't even come close.
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien. Of course not.
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks.
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger. I really liked this book, but it's been long enough that I'm not sure if I can claim to love it.
19. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger. LOVED this book! Thanks to Becky for recommending it!
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot.
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell. Haven't read this, but I will one day. I've seen the movie - all 1000 hours of it - about 5 times. Rumor has it I was named after saintly Melanie in the story.
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald. My junior high English teacher suggested this when I had exhausted her list of recommendations. I think it was a little over my 7th grade head. Should read again someday.
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens.
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams.
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky. This makes my top 3. I've read it twice and know I'll read it again.
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck. I'm not sure what drew me to it, but I really enjoyed this in high school.
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll. Never read it, don't even really know the story. Does that make me weird?
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy. I do want to read this looooong book.
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis. I actually really admire CS Lewis, but again with the fantasy!?
34. Emma - Jane Austen.
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini. This one's on my to-be-read list.
37. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
38. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden. I read this about 3 years ago. I was mesmerized by the story and loved the imagery. For some reason, I'm torn on how I feel about the book as a whole, as I wrestled with my feelings about the issues presented the entire time I read it. Sorry, it's hard to explain.
39. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne. I've read a lot, but I'm not sure if I've read it all. I do love the old style of writing.
40. Animal Farm - George Orwell. Loved it? Not sure, but I do love the allegory in it.
41. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown. I loved it while I was reading it, but I think I'm over it.
42. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
43. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving. J.
44. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
45. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery. I read these all and loved them. Also loved the movies. I can't wait to share them with Katie.
46. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
47. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood. Top 3 definitely - possibly favorite book of all time. No book has ever captivated me so completely or made me think as much. I would read it over and over if there weren't so many great books out there I'd be missing.
48. Lord of the Flies - William Golding. Not a fan!
49. Atonement - Ian McEwan. I enjoyed parts of this book, and other parts seemed to drag on for years. Just finished the movie yesterday, though, and had a much better feeling. I think the director did a great job with the story!
50. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
51. Dune - Frank Herbert
52. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
53. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
54. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
55. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
56. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens. I read this in high school with a terrible teacher and struggled with it too much to enjoy it.
57. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley. This feels a lot like 1984 (Orwell) to me. A must-read!
58. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
59. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
60. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck.
61. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
62. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
63. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold.
64. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas.
65. On The Road - Jack Kerouac. I read this on John's recommendation. It wasn't me, but I'm glad I read it because it gave me some knowledge of beat poets and that whole movement.
66. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy. My uncle, a high school English teacher, told me he loves this book and I never dared admit that I didn't enjoy it.
67. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding.
68. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie.
69. Moby Dick - Herman Melville. Is it bad that I have no desire to read this?
70. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
71. Dracula - Bram Stoker
72. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett. I loved this when I was little.
73. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
74. Ulysses - James Joyce. OK, I'm lying - I did not read this. But I feel like I should get credit because John spent hours upon hours of our time reading this book! He read me sentences that went on for pages and none of it made a lick of sense. And he's the only one I know who's actually read the entire thing. Crazy, huh?
75. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath.
76. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
77. Germinal - Emile Zola
78. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
79. Possession - AS Byatt.
80. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens. I don't think I've actually read this!
81. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
82. The Color Purple - Alice Walker. Too sad!
83. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
84. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
85. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
86. Charlotte's Web - EB White. Another childhood favorite!
87. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom. Haven't read this, but I recently read Tuesdays With Morrie. It was one of the most uplifting and inspirational books I've ever read!
88. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. My dad's favorite. I'll bet he's disappointed that his daughters never got into it!
89. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
90. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad.
91. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
92. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
93. Watership Down - Richard Adams.
94. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
95. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
96. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
97. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl. The book is way better than any of the movies!
98. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo. I've read part of it. It's a very long book! But I will finish it one day, I promise.

Wow, I didn't do so hot on the last quarter of the list, did I? I really considered myself a reader before I had kids. Then when Katie was born I spent so many hours reading up on how to be her mom, and even more hours trying to figure out how to do it all, that I convinced myself there was no time for recreational reading. I'm starting to see that I can work it into my life again, and it's really exciting. So here's to a lot more reading in my future.

Now go try this for yourself - it's really fun!

Taking pleasure in the little things

2008-07-07T15:06:00.003-06:00

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with my role as a mother, especially in light of the changes our family is going through. Today has been a good one, taking Tanner to his orthodontist appointment (a first for me), and doing our weekly grocery shopping. But I still found myself needing some buoying up, so I watched Elder Ballard's conference talk while Carter napped and Katelyn had quiet time. As the talk ended, I resolved to do my best to enjoy the little moments of motherhood, to "treasure the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less."

I know how blessed I am to have the opportunity of being a mother to these sweet spirits, and Katelyn gave me the perfect evidence. I walked out of my bedroom to find that she had emptied the basket of clean laundry that had been sitting in the living room and was folding the towels. She can be such a little angel! I hope I can keep this peaceful feeling of love for my children throughout the afternoon. I know I'll especially need it once Carter gets up from his nap!

Need a laugh?

2008-07-02T16:02:00.002-06:00

Last night when Katelyn was finished brushing her teeth, she leaned over and bumped her head on the faucet. She was crying as John held her and tried to console her. Between sobs, she told John, "I wish I were a ghost. Then my head would go right through things and I wouldn't bonk and get hurt." I wish I had heard her say it. I think it's so funny the way their little minds work.

7 Years

2008-06-30T08:27:00.002-06:00

Today is the 7th anniversary of my marriage to my sweetheart. In celebration, here are 7 things that make me happy to be married to him:

I laugh more when I'm with John than all of the time I spend without him. I honestly believe that this is the reason our marriage has lasted and will last forever.

We complement each other so well. He is a go-getter while I'm a major procrastinator. He's scientific-minded while I'm more artistic. He's rational while I'm emotional. We really balance each other out.

John lets me think I'm really smart by pretending he can never find anything so that I can find it for him. ;)

We love to spend our leisure time together. We spend the most time by far watching movies and t.v., probably because we have limited time at night, and we can do that in short intervals. Before we had kids (and when we had money) we loved to go golfing and LOVED to go out to eat. Now we like to hang out with the kids, or take everyone to Costco to browse and eat. And fishing is fast becoming a favorite family activity.

I can't imagine a better father for my children. John's top priority in life is making the kids happy, as you can tell from the amusement park that is our backyard. And the kids would rather play with their dad than do anything else.

My husband is the hardest worker I know. Besides bringing home a paycheck so we can eat and wear clothes, and studying all the time so he can do well in his career, he takes really good care of us physically. Since we've been married, I haven't had to mow a lawn, change my oil or rotate my tires. He makes sure the grass is watered, the garbage is on the curb Wednesday mornings, and he fixes whatever needs it. I'm a pampered woman.

We make really cute kids together. (I admit I may be a little biased on this.) I absolutely adore our little (growing) family!

Happy anniversary, hubby. I'm excited to see what another 7 years of marriage will bring...

Poor Katelyn

2008-06-23T10:26:00.003-06:00

Katie's going through a new phase, and let me tell you - it's one I'm not comfortable with at all. Lately when we've got a group of kids together playing, particularly at our house, she separates herself from the group and feels sorry for herself that the kids aren't begging her for her presence. This involves a lot of sulking and hiding in corners. I've tried talking to her and urging her to involve herself in the other kids' play, but to no avail. Even when we've had Tanner repeatedly invite her to join him, she holds back. No amount of attention is enough.

I'm worried that this "victim mentality" is going to become a permanent part of her personality. I do NOT like to see her pulling away from the other kids and feeling sorry for herself. I'm hoping that this is just a phase, and that she'll grow out of it. So I'm asking, have any of you experienced similar phases with your 4-year-olds? Do you have any advice on how to handle it, or is there hope that she'll grow out of it? For now, I'm trying to explain to her that it's her responsibility to make herself a part of the group. I want to be sensitive to her emotions, but I don't want to encourage the behavior. Any ideas?

Curiosity

2008-06-19T17:16:00.000-06:00

Katelyn and Carter and I were in the car today when Katie asked the question. "Mom, is the baby going to come out of your mouth?" I knew I'd be faced with this subject matter eventually, I just didn't expect it to come in such funny words. I wanted to laugh hysterically, but at the same time I wanted to teleport John directly into the front seat to help me with a response. I gave her a vague answer that passified her temporarily, and vowed to give her a better, albeit it not too thorough, answer at a more appropriate time (i.e., when I've had more time to think about it and carefully plan my words). Then, of course, I called John immediately because I had to share the moment with him. Four-year-olds are too precious!

2008-06-17T16:16:00.002-06:00

How ironic that for the last 13 days, every time you've looked at my blog you've read the title of my last post, "About time for a new post, don't you think?"! It is definitely time that I update you on what's going on in my world. I'm just struggling for the right words.

A week ago yesterday, Tanner's mom passed away. (If you don't know, Tanner is my 12-year-old stepson.) This was a huge shock to everybody - most of all, I'm sure, to Tanner. His mom has been sick for a long time, but we always hoped that he wouldn't be faced with this until he was much older. We found out from a mutual friend, and it took us several days before we were able to reach Tanner. We were so worried about him and how he was handling things, that it made for a rough week. We finally got to spend a few hours with him Thursday evening. The funeral was on Saturday. It is heart-wrenching to watch a young child grieve the loss of a parent.

As you can imagine, there are big changes in store for our little family. We'll be meeting with Tanner's stepdad and grandma this week to iron out the details, so I hesitate to say much yet. I can tell you that I am overwhelmed and terrified to take on a bigger role in Tanner's life. At the same time, I look forward to spending more time with him - I love Tanner so much!

Like I said before, I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings right now. I feel like I'm in limbo and that is a paralyzing feeling for me. I think I'll feel better when the decisions have been made and the ball is rolling.

My heart goes out to Tanner and his brother, his stepdad, his grandparents, and anyone else who is missing Jayme right now.

About time for a new post, don't you think?

2008-06-04T09:56:00.003-06:00

This is my new garden fence, built for me by my loving husband. (The picture's not so great, but it shows you what kind of day we're having, and explains why I'm in the mood and have time for blogging.) I am in awe of my hubby's ability to do anything he sets his mind to. He had never attempted to build a fence or gate before this, but we went to Home Depot and he figured out what to buy, and how much, and by the end of the day we had a beautiful fence. And then he spent hours upon hours painting it white. What a sweetheart, huh?

Inside of this fence is my new obsession, and will be the majority of my time and efforts this summer. I've never planted a garden before. Yes, I've had cherry tomato plants in pots on apartment patios, but that was never very successful. I'd better get more of a return from this endeavor, or we'll have wasted a lot of time and money! In my garden I have tomatoes, roma tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, green peppers, red peppers, serrano peppers, jalapenos, green beans, zucchini, crookneck squash, cucumber, watermelon, cantaloupe, honeydew melon, pumpkin, carrots, yellow onions, green onions, swiss chard, strawberries, and a bunch of herbs. I've also lined the tall fence with sunflowers that I hope will grow to 6 feet. Can you tell I'm a little excited?

Can I tell you what I hate about gardening? Morning glory! I've never dealt with this weed before, but a lifelong battle has begun, and it's already threatening to defeat me. I spent close to 8 hours weeding on Monday, which was fine at the time, but I could barely pick my feet up to walk yesterday. I'm almost as stiff today, so I guess I'm lucky it's raining. I'm just worried that the rain is feeding the weeds and I'll have to start all over when the sun comes out.

I know I'm not the only one gardening this year. If you are, I'm dying to know what you're growing. And if not, what are you doing with your summer? Any fun plans or big projects?

Another bad trip (to Walmart)

2008-05-24T16:43:00.007-06:00

You may remember that I've had some rough times at Walmart in the past. Despite the fact that I hate everything about the store - it's dirty, the people who shop there are dirty, it's way too big so you feel like you've run a marathon by the time you finish shopping - I continue to do my grocery shopping there because of the savings. I know, I've written about this subject before. So I was doing my grocery shopping on Wednesday, already having had a pretty tough morning, thanks to both the kids and the dog. I was doing my best to be patient and take my time. The kids were going nuts, running around and being wild, knocking things off of the shelves and driving me crazy in the process. I pulled each child aside several times and calmly but firmly explained what behavior I was unhappy with and what expectations I had, but nothing was getting through to them. We had made it to the checkout and were almost homeward bound when everything spiraled out of control. Katelyn pushed Carter down so that he hit his face on the floor. She was being wild and playing, not intentionally hurting him, but it was the last straw for me. I put her in the shopping cart and told her to stay there, and she lost it. At this point she was in full-on tantrum mode, kicking and screaming and flailing her body. Several employees were trying to help me load the groceries into the cart, and a nice old lady thought she was helping by trying to talk to Katelyn. Unfortunately, none of these things helped. I ended up pushing the shopping cart to the car with Carter holding on to one side of it and Katelyn under my arm, kicking and spitting and screaming. She continued this as I strapped her into her carseat, loaded Carter and the groceries into the van, and drove home. I was determined to maintain my composure, although I wanted to break down in tears or scream my head off at her. Both kids fell asleep about 10 seconds before we pulled into the garage, so I carried them to their beds. My lucky hubby called at that precise moment and got an earful of the tears I had been trying to hold back.

Katelyn awoke just a few minutes later. I had been trying to figure out how to get through to her. I gave her some paper and asked her to draw a picture of what she had done wrong at the store, and another picture of what she would do next time. I wasn't quite prepared for what I would get. When she brought me the pictures, I had to choke back the laughter. She was so dead-on with what she had done wrong, and the pictures were pretty good representations for a 4-year-old. Take a look:

This is Katelyn pushing Carter. I'm holding her hand.

This is Katelyn screaming in the shopping cart. I'm pushing.

This is Katelyn screaming in her carseat.

This says, "Mom, I love you."

This is Mom, Katelyn & Carter, happy.

In hindsight, I can think of some things I could have done to make our shopping trip more successful. So I'm learning. And I think Katelyn is, too. I was surprised at how clearly she saw her behavior and her knowledge of right and wrong. And I'll treasure these drawings forever. Hopefully she'll forgive me for sharing them with the world.

Sweet Little Nothings

2008-05-20T22:16:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I get extremely overwhelmed by housework. We had a really fun weekend, but we managed to trash the house in the process. On Sunday night, I looked around me and felt like running for the hills or burying my head in the sand. It was bedtime, and the kids were getting in the tub. Suddenly the thought came to me that I LOVE getting my kids out of the bath, slathering them with lotion so they smell like heaven, drying Katelyn's hair, trimming their nails…it's a bonding experience that I cherish, and I love the clean little angels that emerge. So I decided to forget about the mountain of dishes and my filthy floor and just enjoy the time with my kids before I put them to bed.

Walking to my ward book club tonight with a neighbor, she reminded me how fast the time goes by, and to enjoy this time while my kids are little. I know this, and I'm reminded of it quite often, but I need those reminders. And it's so true. I look at my kids and can't imagine how they've gotten so big and grown-up already. I DO want to make the most of this time.

Of course, as I've been writing this, my kids have turned into naughty little monsters in the tub. So I'm going to go yank them out by their hair pull them out gently and try to recreate the peaceful feeling I had on Sunday night.

NKOTB

2008-05-16T08:41:00.003-06:00

The kids and I just finished rocking out to the New Kids on the Today Show. They performed a medley of their old songs, which I absolutely LOVED in junior high. I wasn't cool enough to ever see them in concert, but I had a couple of their tapes, and my friends kept me updated on all of the pertinent info about the guys from their teen mags.

It's funny to picture the junior high me, dancing to "Please Don't Go Girl" with a nerdy boy I didn't want to dance with. Then flash forward to the current me, dancing around the living room with my toddlers. And for the record, they still think I'm pretty cool. (Still thinking about that last post. Someday they'll see me for the nerd I am. I'll treasure these days while I have them.)

shhhhh

2008-05-14T21:19:00.002-06:00

I have known since I became a parent that I am destined to embarrass my kids constantly when they reach the right age. I've often wondered if it would be the way I dress, the car I pick them up in, the music I listen to - honestly there are a lot of things about me that are potentially embarrassing. But I came to a new realization today. This embarrassment thing is a give and take. The kids do it to us as they're growing up, so they totally deserve to get it back! Here are two examples:

1. Katelyn has done this a couple of times. We'll be walking together - Katie, Carter, and I - when we see a strange man (it has been a man every time, though not necessarily a scary looking one). Katelyn will say, not quietly, "Is that scary guy going to take us?" There are several versions of this question, all equally mortifying. I'm not sure where she gets this idea, because I've only talked to her a few times about the possibility of being kidnapped, and I've focused more on the fear of that happening if she's too far from me than the scariness of the individuals who might want to snatch her.

2. Today we were at my favorite store (Walmart, in case you've forgotten), doing my favorite chore of shopping for the week's groceries. We walked by a woman who, admittedly, had a round face, although she was not overweight. Katelyn said, again not quietly, "Some people have really round faces. They're really round and fat. They're so fat they can't breathe." It went on for a couple more sentences. I'm not sure what she was getting at, with the whole can't breathe thing, but she kept saying that people are fat. I was trying to shush her without making it seem like I thought she was talking about anyone around us. I didn't want to make it any worse. When we were a reasonable distance from most other shoppers, I explained that we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by calling them fat. She really doesn't understand this. I'm not sure if she even knows what "fat" means. It's not something we really talk about.

I have a feeling that I haven't seen the end of this issue. Kids point out their observations - that's just what they do. Now it's my job to teach them some tact. I really don't think I'll feel too bad when I pull up to pick Katelyn up for a dance blasting Chicago from the minivan. She's got it comin' to her!

Dear Mom,

2008-05-11T14:28:00.002-06:00

I have not been an easy daughter to raise. As your first of four, I did my best to make life difficult for you. I promise I didn't mean to, but now that I have a daughter of my own, I can see how hard it must have been for you to figure out how to deal with me. I am scared to death of Katelyn as a teenager! I am just amazed that when I was at my very worst, you were the one beside me helping me through the trouble I brought on myself. It would have been so easy to say "I told you so," a million times, but you offered up your love and support instead. Over the years, I feel like we have built such a strong friendship, and I hope you know how important it is to me. I really love our long talks, and I know I can come to you if I need anything. Now that I have children, you've taken on a different role in my life. My kids love to go see their Omi, and I love watching them bond with you. They are very lucky to have such a wonderful grandma. So happy Mother's Day from all of us. We love you!

Dear Mom-in-Law,

2008-05-11T14:27:00.000-06:00

I only say "in-law" to differentiate between you and my own mom. I don't think of you as a mother-in-law. TV shows give the term a bad connotation. Like on Everybody Loves Raymond, mothers-in-law are always hovering, criticizing, and making their sons' wives feel terrible about themselves. I have felt lucky since day one because you've never been that way with me. When I'm with you, I feel completely loved and accepted. You are one of the most thoughtful and generous people I've ever known, and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. My children are equally blessed to have you. They know that you would do anything for them, and they love the way you spoil them rotten.

I realize that you're in Hawaii and probably won't read this for a week, but I hope your Mother's Day is wonderfully relaxing, and I hope you know how much you're appreciated by your children and their families. Happy Mother's Day - we love you.

Mother's Day Angst

2008-05-10T19:18:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow is Mother's Day, as I know you're all aware. I am looking forward to sitting in church with a handful of tissue, trying not to bawl as everyone declares their love and admiration for their mothers and pays tribute to how truly divine and wonderful mothers are. The truth is, I felt pretty special on my first Mother's Day. Katelyn wasn't 5 months old yet, and I was wrapped up in the miracle that is being a first-time mom. But each year since has found me feeling worse about my role as a mother. Don't get me wrong - I always wanted to be a mom, and I absolutely love it! I just feel so inadequate. I find myself listening to these descriptions of perfect mothers and I can't help but think of everything I don't do, or that I need to work on. I can't help but wish that my kids had a better mom. Does this just get worse when your kids are old enough to write cards for you and tell you how great you are? I can picture myself reading the cards and thinking, "You poor child. You had to make all of this up because your mom is so horrible."

I realize that I shouldn't be focusing on myself this holiday, and that's probably a big part of this problem. I do spend Mother's Day being thankful for the awesome mom I have, and I only wish that I could really get those feelings across to her. All the sappy letters and "I love you"s don't seem like they really capture what I want her to know. And I have a sneaking suspicion that my mom feels the same way about Mother's Day that I do.

So I want to tell all of you moms: We are so hard on ourselves. Every friend I have is an incredible mother and excels in one way or another that I really admire. So if you suffer from these feelings of inadequacy, try to let them go tomorrow. Focus on your own mom first. Then watch your kids and how great they are, and realize that that has a lot to do with you. For all of the mistakes you make, or things you could do better, you do a million little things that mean everything to your kids and help to make them the incredible little beings that they are. If Mother's Day does anything for me, it inspires me to do better. I want to live up to all the wonderful things I hear about mothers. So that's what I'll be doing tomorrow, and trying to heed my own advice.

Happy Mother's Day!

my little American Idol fans

2008-05-07T21:14:00.003-06:00

John is on call tonight, so I let the kids stay up to watch American Idol with me. They're my little buddies. (Sorry for the blurry picture.)

My New Best Friend

2008-05-06T21:10:00.003-06:00

Meet my new best friend. This little puppy (or one of its cousins when this one is gone) will reside in my purse until the end of August. Pregnancy stinks.

To my neighbors

2008-05-05T19:11:00.002-06:00

Dear homeowners,

My kids and I took a long walk through the neighborhood today. We thoroughly enjoyed gazing upon your houses and your yards. Some of you obviously take great pains to make your surroundings beautiful. I tried to pay close attention to what combinations of flowers you planted and the way you arranged them. I'm sure it will boost your ego when you see your hard work mimicked in my flowerbeds next year.

Now to those of you who don't have as much time for yardwork. Believe me when I tell you that my children were more impressed with your yards full of "dandy flowers" than with any of the others they saw. One house we passed seemed to have only "dandy flowers," which had gone to seed and were in their white puffball stage. My daughter gleefully exclaimed, "Look how beautiful, Mom! I wish we could have that yard and they can have ours!" I'm not actually offering to make this trade, but I want you to know that there are people who appreciate the brand of beauty you have to offer.

And lastly, to those of you with dogs. I would really appreciate it if you would keep your dogs fenced or somehow limit them to the confines of your own yard. My dog, though she is only 6 months old, is large enough to drag me and my 1-ton stroller down the street. The entire right side of my body is weak from pulling against my gigantic puppy as she strained to defend herself against your dogs. Even if your dog is a tiny little thing, it makes it really hard for me to pass your house as it follows us down the street. I'm a tough girl, but I can only counteract so much angry barking dog weight with my tiny little body.

My kids and I look forward to dragging the dog (or being dragged by the dog) past your house again tomorrow. Feel free to wave and hold tightly to your dog's leash as we pass.

Sincerely,

Things I will pay others to do for me in the future

2008-05-03T10:15:00.002-06:00

Like everyone, I've always had this little wishlist in the back of my mind. Someday, I won't have to do this - I'll pay someone else to do it. Well I felt this very strongly the other night when I bathed the dog. She is very good in the tub, yet I still got soaked, as did my entire bathroom and the hall. And I had to protect my furniture for the next few hours because I have no idea how to get a dog truly dry, and wet dog fur STINKS! So my house reeked like wet dog for the next 24 hours. I never understood why people would pay someone else to bathe their dog. It's an easy enough job, right? Well, now I get it. Someday, when I go out to run errands, I'll first drop the dog at the groomer where she'll get a bath, all of that excess hair brushed out onto someone else's floor, and her nails trimmed by someone else who wants to get bitten repeatedly. When I pick her up, she'll be close enough to dry that I dare take her back to my spotless and pretty-smelling home. What a nice little story, huh? Here's my list of other things I plan to pawn off on poor willing souls in the future:

Putting up sheetrock, taping, mudding & sanding
Scraping popcorn ceilings
Cleaning my toilets (this will be a chore for the kids when they're old enough, before I let the cleaning lady take over the responsibility)
Scrubbing the bathtub and shower (another kids' chore)
Cleaning the carpets
Washing, waxing, & vacuuming the car (another one for the kids, unless it's my cute little convertible Jag - that will need to be professionally detailed)
Ironing my husband's dress shirts (I'll send his shirts out to be washed, starched, & pressed -this one will happen sooner than most of the items on the list)
Installing flooring (I should admit that my husband really did this for us, not me, but I don't want him to ever suffer that torture again!)
Packing up boxes and moving our own belongings
Washing blinds
Washing the outsides of my windows
Dusting, particularly floorboards and hard-to-reach places like the top of the fridge
And last, but not least, I can't wait to get laser hair removal so that I never have to shave or pluck again!

Now, I can almost guarantee that this is not a complete list. I feel like I'm forgetting a lot, and I know I'll be adding to it in the future. Lots of these things will be delegated to my kids when they have the coordination and skills necessary. As lazy as I sound, I also have a list of things I'll probably never pay someone to do because I'm too darn cheap:

Snake my toilet (John and I have both had experience with this fun one, but plumbers cost a fortune!)
Deliver my Chinese food - As nice as it sounds, take-out usually comes with a 15% discount and you don't have to tip the driver.
Lawn/yard care - Why pay someone when my husband is so good at it? No, seriously, even if John didn't mow, I would, and I enjoy taking care of the flowerbeds and the garden we're about to have (I hope?).
Vacuum - This is one of my favorite chores. Rarely does a day go by when I don't get out the vacuum.
Paint my toenails - I love pedicures, but I've never gotten a really good paint job. I'm very picky about the paint on my toenails.

So there you have it! Are there things that you would or wouldn't love to pay someone else to do for you?

I really do love my new career

2008-05-02T10:13:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was a hectic day. It was the first Thursday of the month, meaning that I had to put together a new MusicMakers class (my little weekly music group). I had left most of the work for the last minute, so I needed to run around town gathering music & props & stuff. So by 9 am, the kids and I were dressed and out the door. I decided to stop at the gas station and treat myself to a cup of hot chocolate for the morning's errands. As I paid for my drink, I had a flashback to my former life. For almost 8 years, I worked as a banker. I stopped on my way to work on many mornings to grab a quick bite or a drink - anything to delay getting to the office. I loved my customers at the bank, but it was a super stressful job and I worked with some unsavory people, so I remember quite well the feeling of dread I had every morning as I headed to work.

As I exited the gas station yesterday, I felt funny, surrounded by people headed off to their various jobs. I had on jeans and cute new shoes, and I wondered if any of them wondered what kind of job I was headed to. As I got in the van, where my cute kids were laughing their heads off to the DVD they were watching, I realized how lucky I am.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all of my responsibilities. It's hard work being a mom and running a household - I'm sure I don't have to tell you! There's always so much to be done, and a lot of times, the kids either keep me from getting as much done as I could, or they undo the things that I do (like housework!). I never get a break from Carter's new 2-year-old attitude, and I don't get a lot of adult conversation. I sometimes feel very lonely.

So here's the upside: I get to wear whatever I want. I don't get to decide when I wake up (I guess I could, if I wanted to get up before 6), and I have to work around naps and grumpy moods, but for the most part I get to plan my own day. I decide what to do when. And I get to spend all day with my kids. (Believe me, I don't always realize how lucky I am in that regard.) I can be silly, and spend as much time playing as I'll allow myself. I get to witness the hilarious conversations that 2- and 4-year-olds have with each other. I get to pick them up when they get hurt and dry their tears and love them back to happiness. As I write this, I'm watching their adorable little bodies bounce up and down on the trampoline as they laugh hysterically.

The bottom line is, I love what I do. I need to keep this in my mind all of the time. I would be so much happier focusing on the good, and I'd be a better mom to my kids. I hope I can hold onto these thoughts and feelings for a long time.

(By the way, I know I've written similar posts before. I apologize for the redundancy.)