Thoughts on Losing a Child

It's been 10 1/2 months since an officer showed up at my door and told me that Tanner was gone. It's therapeutic to retell the details of those first few days, but I'll leave the full story for another time. For the first few hours it felt like a nightmare. I must have said a million times that I wanted to wake up to find that none of it was real. And then a sort of fog came over me. I'm sure there are people who would say that God carried me through, that the fog was the comfort of the Holy Ghost. That's not how I would describe it. Whatever it was, my senses were dulled enough that I was able to kind of sleepwalk through the horrors we had to endure. Telling the kids. Getting Tanner's things out of his apartment, which involved plying hundreds of thumbtacks out of the wall with my fingernails, throwing the dirty socks and underwear in a garbage bag because there was no point in washing them, putting everything in the back of my car not knowing what on earth we were going to do with it all. Then there was the trip to the funeral home, where we talked about how to get Tanner's body to Utah for the funeral and burial after the memorial here in Spokane. Where we were taken into a huge room full of caskets and we had to decide which one was right for our son. I have no clue, not even a ballpark figure, of how much we spent on the casket. It is all such a huge blur.

I wish I were still in that sleepwalking phase. I think the fog must slowly clear a little each day. And that's the problem. Finding out is hell. I literally fell to the floor like some lady in a tv drama and yelled "no" several times. But I had no idea that it would just get more painful. Every day it becomes a little bit more real. There are new reminders that he's never coming back. And then there are the days when I wake up and think about calling or texting him. and then get the wind knocked out of me with the realization that I can't.

So I'm sitting here sobbing as I type this, and I am an empty shell. I have no idea who I was on March 15th of 2018, but I am not that person now. I went through a rebirth of sorts when Aidan was diagnosed with cancer. I was actually standing in the same spot in my piano room when I found out about Tanner that I was standing in when the doctor told me about Aidan on the phone. And there was that blur of talking to the doctors, and then 2 days after finding out, we were in the hospital starting the hellish journey that has lasted almost 3 years now. When Aidan got sick I cleared out all of the fluff that I had filled our life with. I'm not sure what all of that fluff was. I know there was helping out in the kids' classrooms, and taking people dinners, and making blankets for my friends' new babies. Most of what I can remember that I used to do was service-oriented. That kind of sucks. But life got filled up with so many appointments. So many appointments. So many trips to the pharmacy. Fighting Aidan to take his meds in the beginning. Then fighting him about every single thing in life. I became a different person. I remember trying to decide if I could let him sleep without me like a normal child. Was I supposed to live life as if every day was the last and be terrified to miss a second? Or was I supposed to believe that he would be ok and try to treat him like a regular kid? The only thing I could do was take myself to the darkest place I could imagine in my mind. I pictured him dying. I tried to picture our family dealing with that. I pictured families I know who have lost children and while it obviously wasn't an easy thing, they were all still alive and breathing. Smiling even, sometimes. I knew that John and I would band together and get our family through it. So I put Aidan in his own bed and started out a new life that I didn't recognize. I was a new person I didn't recognize.

Aidan's diagnosis came on March 30th, 2016. Tanner went to sleep on March 14th 2 years later and never woke up.

At some point after Tanner died (not sure when), my brain started processing things. I realized that I had lost all hope. I didn't believe anymore that Aidan would beat cancer. I didn't believe that another one of my kids wouldn't get hit by a bus or that John would make it home safely from work trips. And I realized that when I thought I had faced the idea of death head on, that I had absolutely no clue what it actually looked like.

So I cleaned house again on what we did with our time. I know that I cut out more of my to-do list after Tanner died to make room for grief. And once again, I can't tell you what I simplified. I don't know what we used to do. I know that we have even more appointments now, because I have every one of us in therapy of some kind, but I cut out a bunch of stuff, and I don't know what. And I lost me.

So here I am, this empty shell of a person. I take my kids to school in the morning. I try to keep up on laundry. I cook dinner sometimes. We get take out more often. I'm working on being better about that. I drag myself to the grocery store. I guess that's pretty good. For months I couldn't go to the store by myself. The first time I actually did I bought everything I could possibly think of because I couldn't fathom going back. It took 2 shopping carts to get everything to the car. And when the cashier asked me what on earth I was stocking up for, I couldn't help but tell him that my son had died and I can't grocery shop anymore. So I have that basic functioning part of my brain still. The rest of my brain must be gone. I have no idea who I am. Don't get me wrong, I have all of my memories. I have my family and some of my friends. But I don't recognize me anymore.

I guess this is a chance to reinvent myself. I could decide who I want to be, and then fill myself back up with that new and improved version of me. Any idea how to do that? Maybe I will be more able to do that as time passes. I'm still in the punch-in-the-gut phase of grief. We're still living all of the "firsts." First Christmas. First birthday. First every-tiny-little-thing as these new people who are missing one of their children. It's excruciating. So I'm trying to be very patient with myself. Can't make dinner tonight? Order a pizza and snuggle on the couch with the kids watching stupid stuff on tv. Can't bring myself to run errands during preschool? It's ok. Go lie in bed until it's time to pick up Xander. This is not the time for me to try to accomplish more. The only expectation I really have of myself right now is that I take care of my family. That I am here for my husband, and that I make sure my kids are as ok as they can be. Sometimes the weight of that feels crushing. Often I feel like I can barely breathe. So.......patience.

If I actually post this to my blog, I have to kindly ask to not hear certain comments. First of all, time does not "heal" in this case. When you lose someone, you learn to live with the giant hole in your heart. It doesn't go away. I really don't want to hear that I need to pray more or have faith. Also, Tanner is not in a better place. His place is with his friends and family. His place is at our dinner table on Thanksgiving. I'm not concerned with where Tanner is, except that he's not with us. Sorry, I've heard a lot of very un-helpful things in the last 10 months.

If you've read this far, you must be someone who knows and loves me. I realize that it's very garbled and rambling and makes little sense. And it's raw and awful and painful. So I appreciate you getting this far and being here for me and loving me. My relationships are the most important thing to me now. Much love to you for being a friend.

First Day of School '15

Katelyn, 6th grade

Carter, 4th grade

Aidan, 1st grade



I love these kiddos so much!! I can't believe another school year is here. This year we'll have four kids at the elementary school. Zach starts kindergarten on Thursday, so I'll have to take another round of pictures then. This is Katie's last year of elementary, which makes me sad. Junior high is so difficult, and I just want her to stay young and innocent. Carter is not at all excited for school this year. He's so smart, but he hates school and homework. If it weren't for lunch time with his friends and recess when he can play soccer, I wouldn't be able to get him to school at all. Aidan is very anxious about school, but that's normal for him. I can't recall a day last year when he didn't have anxiety for some reason. I hope that gets better with age.

I came down with a stomach virus yesterday, which got really bad last night. That made getting backpacks ready and clothes laid out a challenge. We just got back from a trip to Seattle and I didn't get laundry done yesterday, so I had to throw in a load last night. I made the mistake of washing Katie's new rayon jumpsuit, which I realized this morning isn't supposed to go in the dryer. So while the boys' clothes took about 5 minutes to dry, I spent quite a while with a warm iron working on the jumpsuit and then put it on the rack in the dryer. It actually turned out dry enough to wear and didn't shrink. Because of all of this, our morning was just as rushed as I was hoping it wouldn't be. It doesn't help that school starts at 8:30 instead of 9 this year. Katie and Carter decided at the last minute to take lunch from home, so I scrambled to make 3 lunches instead of the one I had planned on. (And of course I threw in some oreos with a note from mom.) I'm going to have the boys shower in the morning this year, so I got them up a little bit early. I consider it a miracle that the kids were all freshly showered, dressed in clean clothes, lunches and all necessary school supplies packed, and had smiles on their faces for pictures. My goal this year is to try my best not to yell in the morning so that the kids get off to school with a peaceful, happy start. It's so hard with all of the anxiety about going to school, fits that get thrown, things remembered at the last minute........I will do better this year. We'll prepare as much as we can at night, then I just need to remind myself all morning to keep my cool.

We missed the bus. I drove the kids down to the bus stop because we were running late, and we sat in the car and waited for a few minutes. We never saw the bus, so I ended up driving the kids to school. I'm pretty sure we saw their bus on our way, so I think it was running late. Hopefully we'll catch it tomorrow. Last year the bus ride was one hour to school, and one hour home. We live a mile and a half from school, so the kids could have walked home faster. I ended up dropping them off every morning and picking them up from school almost every day. This year they changed the route, so the kids should get off of the bus at 3:10. I hope it really works out that way - it would be nice to not fight the afterschool pickup line every day.

Anyway, the kids are all safe in their classrooms and I'm home with Xander, and Zach will be home for 3 more days before he starts kindergarten. We were supposed to go for a walk with friends this morning, but remember the part about the stomach virus? I'm lucky I was able to drag myself through the morning! We got home from dropping off the kids and as I was pouring milk in the little boys' Malt-O-Meal I dropped the full gallon on the floor (I'm pretty weak and shaky). So I got to clean up a river/lake of milk and the splashes across the entire floor and on the walls and cabinets. Now would be the time to snuggle up on the couch with the boys and cartoons. Unfortunately, the dog got sick all over the family room rug in the night. So I'm going to drag the carpet cleaner out and work on that for a few hours. At least the baby will nap this afternoon. Wish me luck until then!

* I apologize for such a detailed description of our morning. It's more for me than anything. I want to remember what life was like with all these kids when they're grown up and my memory is like swiss cheese! *

Do you watch Duck Dynasty?

I do. Our whole family loves it. Yes, it's gotten more and more staged, and that's bugging me, but I still love those Robertsons. Especially Uncle Si! And I love that they're a large family with strong Christian values. But let's face it - they can be a little hillbilly-ish. Sometimes they say some ignorant-sounding things. And I think that applies to what Phil said in his GQ interview.

I think A&E may lose some viewers over the choice to suspend Phil. And I kind of hope they do.
Celebrities get away with all sorts of abhorrent behavior without consequences! I could try to explain my stance on the controversy, but I just found a blog post on this topic that I think is brilliant. If you don't have time to read it, here's my favorite quote from the post: "Jesus is the most real source of mercy in the history of time, and He loves us all with a fierce, indescribable love, and none of us deserve it any less than anyone else, and THAT is the shocking headline we should be proclaiming." If you do have time, go to Jen Hatmaker's blog and read what she has to say. Jen is very active in the Christian community, and somehow hers is the first Christian voice I've heard preaching love and mercy in this whole thing. I love the idea that, "Because I love mercy for myself, I can’t help but love it for everyone else, and I won’t cheapen it by imagining that my grace is free but someone else’s must be earned." If only all Christians could think, and ACT, the way she does.





Envy

This is my little horseback riding daughter. Well, not so little, I guess. Katelyn will be 10 in December. She started horseback riding lessons this summer, and she's in heaven! We have the perfect setup, too. She takes lessons with her best friend, who lives almost across the street from us (which is miraculous when you live in the country) and is in her class at school. Their teacher lives very close and picks them up from school twice a week to take them to their lessons. She even delivers them right to our doorsteps when the lessons are over!

(Sorry the picture's so blurry)

 

 

 

Katie with her best friend Karin on Halloween

Grooming her lesson horse

So today Katelyn's spending the morning at the stable with her friend, grooming horses and taking a lesson. She spends every spare moment daydreaming about horses, and dreams about them at night, so this is a perfect day for her. And it would be for me, too! I love horses and would love to be taking lessons as well. Maybe when my little boys are all in school. But man, I would rather be spending the morning at the stable than catching up on chores around the house! Lucky girl!

Hi, I'm Melanie, and I have HHT

HHT - Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia. It's a disease that's been passed down in my family for generations. All three of my sisters have it. My mom and all but one of her siblings have it. And chances are that my kids all have it. I'm not positive about Carter, but I'm pretty sure about the rest of them. Tanner, my stepson, got lucky because he doesn't have my genes.

HHT causes abnormalities in the blood vessels, usually in the nose and skin, and sometimes in the liver, lungs, and/or brain. Nosebleeds are the most common complaint among HHT sufferers. I've had nosebleeds for as long as I can remember. All of my teachers knew there was a chance that I'd run out of class with my hand cupped over my face. My kids are starting to deal with this now, too. Fortunately, it's really not a big deal.

But as I get older, my bleeding is getting more severe. It's particularly bad when I'm pregnant, due to the increase of blood volume. I've had some bad enough bleeds to make me weak for quite a while. And it can be pretty scary. I coat the inside of my nose with lanolin at least once a day, and I avoid the most innocent scratching in fear of bleeding. These things help, but I bleed often and without warning. Some days I can't get the bleeding to stop and walk around with tissue shoved up my nose. I just traded in a van that had a nice big blood stain on the driver's seat belt. (Sorry about that. I hope the dealership got it out before some poor soul discovered it in their new van, although it looked kind of brownish. Maybe they wouldn't realize it was blood?)

This pregnancy has gifted me with the 2 worst nosebleeds I've ever had. I bled like crazy for the first trimester! And then it almost stopped. Apparently the hormone shift in the second trimester worked in my favor. But as I move into my third trimester, it's starting back up.

Recently, I found a prenatal yoga class, and a good Groupon deal, and started taking yoga again for the first time in years. Yay! I love yoga! The first two classes were awesome - I loooove the instructor. But Thursday night I went for my third class and was sorely disappointed. As soon as I went into my first forward fold, my nose started dripping blood. I cupped my hand under my chin, and grabbed the box of tissue at the front of the class as I ran out the door. I spent some time in the hallway getting it stopped, and even shoved some tissue in my nostril for good measure. Thinking I was safe, I went back in and got into downward dog with the rest of the class. But to my dismay, blood starting seeping through the tissue and I had to run out again. I didn't dare go back inside until the sun salutations were finished. I spent the rest of the class only halfway attempting the positions. Even child's pose puts a lot of pressure on my face. And because of the tissue shoved up my nose, I couldn't get into the breathing properly, which compromised even shavasana at the end, which is my favorite part of the class!

I was embarrassed and ran out the second the class was over. I felt like crying as I drove away. I was definitely feeling sorry for myself. I thought about my grandma, who eventually died from the complications of HHT, and about my aunts and uncle, who have had significant problems due to the disease. They have had such good attitudes about it. And I realized that of all the hands to be dealt in this life, I would rather this than any other. Everyone has struggles, and I don't know if I could handle anything else. This, I can deal with. I can go to the drive-thru at Wendy's with Kleenex in my nose. I can teach my kids how to deal with nosebleeds. I can manage being really weak from loss of blood. Heck, I'm a pro at getting blood out of just about anything (except seatbelts, apparently). Research is being done and new treatments are being discovered. Hopefully this will become less of a burden, especially as my children grow older.

I'm not sure when I'll go back to my next yoga class, and when I do, I'll have to explain my nosebleeds to the instructor. She'll be nice and understanding, just like everyone is when I tell them why I'm gushing blood. And I'll remind myself that I'm grateful that I have a body that, even weeks away from delivering a baby, is healthy enough to do yoga. That I've been able to deliver relatively healthy children - as many as I've wanted. And maybe someday I'll stop being such a whiner.

Frustrations of Motherhood

Like every mother, I'm sure, I have one child who is more difficult than the others. They all have their quirks, and some things I know will be a struggle with particular children. But with my 5-year-old, pretty much everything is a fight. I can't even count on getting out of the car immediately upon arriving somewhere, because I have to coax him out. There's almost always bribery involved, and often I have to resort to threats. Just to get the kid out of the car!

Today was particularly trying. Maybe it was my fault for over scheduling, but I can almost guarantee that the second half of the day would have been the same no matter when we scheduled it. We started the morning with the first day of preschool for my 3yo and 5yo. It was only an hour, to get them used to the school and their teachers. Both kids had a hard time staying in class and letting me leave, but both also came out an hour later happy and excited to go back tomorrow. Yay! We went to McDonalds for lunch with some of their preschool friends, and then had to stop at the grocery store for a few things on our way home. The boys went nuts at the store, and I wanted to strangle them. It was the same super-hyper, not-listening-at-all behavior that they displayed at bedtime last night and that makes me crazy. They play off of each other and ignore me and I can't handle it!

In the afternoon, we headed to the doctor for well-child exams. The kids both needed shots, but it was our first time at a new doctor, so the nurse convinced me to schedule a nurse visit for the shots next week. We wanted their first visit to not be a super traumatic one. Well, that all went out the window when the doctor heard a murmur listening to my 5yo's heart. He said we needed to do an EKG, and I was surprised when the nurse wheeled in a machine a few minutes later. It should be such an easy procedure. But by that point, I had already had to coax him into standing on the scale, and then sitting on the table to have his checkup. He decided that there was no way a nurse was going to put a bunch of stickers on his body. I realize that fear could be a big part of his reaction, but I also know him well enough to know that this is something he would not cooperate with under any circumstance. So I held him down and tried to still him enough to get a good reading, which took a while.

We got through the EKG - my pregnant body was practically dripping sweat from the fight. And then the doc said that we needed to go next door for a chest x-ray. It seemed like such a simple thing. It only takes a minute, right? I knew that we were in for trouble. The x-ray tech had no idea what was coming at him. This tech tried every trick in the book, all involving trying to reason with my child, which I knew was not possible. I finally demanded that he stand where he was supposed to, and even got him to put his hands by his side (20 minutes had already elapsed by this point), but he refused to hold up the barrier to protect his boy parts, and the fight continued. I had to leave the room because of the radiation, and the poor tech took forever to finally get a picture that he said would be acceptable. I apologized profusely as we left, and promised my son that I would make good on my threats. No X-Box or Wii for the rest of the day, due to his disobedience.

Unfortunately, I found that he had hidden a pack of gum in his pocket at the store earlier, and we got to stop at the store on our way home. I got to have that mom moment when you march your child back in to the store, explain what happened, and have the child apologize. Thinking that he was going to earn back his video game privileges, he did indeed apologize. Outside of the store, I hugged him and praised his good choice. And we had a long talk about stealing. And then we went home to carry out the punishment he had earned at the doctor's office.

I got home feeling exhausted and discouraged. My child is willfully disobedient. I don't know what to do about it. I try to be consistent with my expectations, and to follow through on my threats. I try to use positive reinforcement as much as possible before resorting to the negative. But nothing gets through to him. What am I doing wrong?!

The thing about this child is that he is my most loving. He tells me hundreds of times a day that he loves me. He hugs me constantly. He tells me I'm beautiful. He takes time from playing to come over to me and stroke my arm or give me a smile. He is the sweetest thing! Until I want him to do something for me. Anything really. I'm at a loss.

We all have days when we question our ability to parent our children, right? You've been there too? Not that I would wish a day like today on anyone, but I'm hoping that I'm not alone....

Our bunny died on Easter

Seriously. Isn't that awful? It will make for great Easter memories, I'm sure.

Our German Shepherd puppy, Bandit, loves animals. He likes to hold the cat, the one who will let him, and the bunny, and lick them until they're soaking wet piles of fur. He doesn't mean to hurt them. Unfortunately, yesterday after dinner, Bandit opened the bunny cage (yes, he opened it by himself) and decided to take the bunny out. There was no blood, thank goodness, but the bunny didn't survive. Katie cried and cried while John took care of things and dug a grave. As is our tradition now (we've lost a lot of small pets in the last few years), we each said something we remember about our bunny Gretel, then we shoveled the dirt into the grave. John dug it nice and deep so we don't have to deal with Bandit digging it back up later. That would be awful!

I've nicknamed Bandit Lennie. You know, from Of Mice and Men? But it's not really funny. I'm just grateful that the dog didn't get the taste of blood. Now we'll have to watch him closely and not let him play with the cat.

 

So now we have the first grave in our new pet cemetery. Katie doesn't do death well, not that a 9-year-old should. But she still cries over small pets who've been gone for years. Her sadness is what hit me the hardest, but I'll also miss the boys carrying the bunny around and feeding it carrots and lettuce. It's really sweet seeing your kids being so loving to a little animal.

March thoughts

I guess it's time for my semi-annual blog post! ;)  I have a lot swimming around in my head, so I'm going to do this list-style:

• I'm feeling extremely grateful for a hardworking husband and too many blessings to list. My hubby spoils me rotten. I don't deserve it, but I'm not complaining!
• One of the reasons I'm feeling so spoiled is that I hired a housekeeper. As much as I love my house - and I think it's perfect for a family with 5 kids, 4 of whom are rambunctious boys who get bigger every day - it's just too big for me to keep clean. 6800 sq ft is getting the best of me. So John told me last month I should call the woman who cleaned this house for the former owner. It took a few weeks for me to push the guilt aside and make the call. The first visit was Thursday, and stressed me out completely! First I was worried about having things picked up and dishes done so that the real deep cleaning was all that was left. Then it was the stress of keeping things clean after I'd paid to get it that way. Fortunately, I think I can push through the stress and enjoy having some help. (Can you hear the sarcasm? Poor me, right?) She'll be coming back for a short cleaning this week, then again for the deeper clean next week.
• While I'm talking about my house, a week ago tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of putting in an offer on this house. Not an anniversary I'd remember, but it happened the day after my birthday. For the second time in our married life, my husband let me buy a house he'd never seen in person. Now that's trust! Luckily, he's just as happy with our new home as I am. :) We recently had the front page of the house plans framed and hung it above the fireplace in the den. It's really fun to look at.

• I'm reading again! For the last 9 years of my life, I've been convinced that I don't have time for leisure reading. I've read plenty of non-fiction books about child-rearing, but only a book here and there, usually for the neighborhood book club. Well, I finally decided I wanted to read something good, and I started with The Fountainhead, which I've wanted to read forever. I disagreed with a lot of the philosophy in the book, and I felt uncomfortable with it at times. And I loved reading it! I loved having to think, and having to stretch myself. I didn't want to put it down, and finished it pretty quickly, considering how long it is. I think that's what it took to remind myself that I love to read, and to decide that I can make time for reading.
• To go with the reading theme, I'm just finishing Heaven is Here, by Stephanie Nielson. You know, Nie Nie who was in the plane wreck? Have you read it? I freely admit that I have never once read her blog, and I was never really interested in her story. That might sound awful, but I heard about her blog and it didn't appeal to me. But the book is amazing. I did have to force myself through the first section about her uber-perfect BYU courtship. But it was necessary to know all about her life in order to understand how much she lost when she got hurt. I have cried and cried as I've read about her struggles, particularly the dark feelings of despair she went through. It helps to know that everyone has trouble in this life, and that my problems are really quite small compared to what others have suffered. (Not that I didn't know that, but reminders don't hurt now and then.)
• I have major spring fever! I planted over 600 bulbs in the fall, and I think about them every. single. time. I go outside. Now that some of them are starting to peek out of the ground, I'm going crazy with excitement! Although I'm terrified that the deer are going to eat them. I planted some super tall tulip bulbs that I've wanted to plant for years, but tulips are famous for being "deer candy." I've already sprayed my stinky deer repellent 3 times and I'll be doing it faithfully every week in hopes of not losing my precious flowers to those pesky (and adorable) deer!

I guess that's all for now. Thanks for stopping by!

A good cry and a cute puppy

Sunday morning around 11am, I'm in my bedroom sobbing. Bawling my eyes out really. Crying is a Sunday morning tradition for me, given that week after week I drag my 5 kids to church by myself, and every single week my 4-year-old refuses to get dressed, throws a huge fit, runs away from me, rips off the clothes I've managed to get on him.....you get the picture. I start the morning off determined to keep a positive attitude, but it's not abnormal for me to break down in tears before pulling myself together and pulling the kids by their hair arms into church. Anyway, back to this Sunday at 11am. Actually, let's skip back to 10:45. I sit at the computer eating my breakfast, knowing I need to start getting everyone ready for 1:00 church, but deciding to check a few blogs first. I go to one I haven't read in a while, and bam - I'm reading the most gut-wrenching story. This woman has endured tragedy in the past, and recent events have added to that in ways that seem unfair and un-survivable. The tears are streaming down my cheeks, and when I've finished reading, I run to my room.

Here we are, back at 11:00. I'm bawling now. I think I needed a good cry. It's been building for a while now. But I'm not just crying for my fellow blogger. I'm crying because she has real, tangible reasons for being sad. I don't. I have a beautiful home; a hard-working, helpful, and loving husband; healthy, happy kids; people all around me who are becoming friends and reach out to me and make me feel welcome. I don't feel justified being depressed. But I have been for weeks now. I had a bit of the blues when we first moved here at the end of June, but it wasn't too bad. This depression doesn't seem to be all about moving. I'm sure it's a factor, as is the changing weather with very little sunshine to be seen, and the fact that we live far enough north that darkness comes far too early in the day. But depression can be pretty anonymous. And it's hard to fix something you can't quite put your finger on.

I think things are getting better. I've got a church calling that keeps me really busy, and that's probably a blessing. We got a new puppy who needs constant attention (and cleaning up after!), but I think that's good too, because it's hard to sit on the couch and wallow in depression when a little puppy's running around threatening to destroy everything and poop everywhere. But I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilty for not being annoyingly happy, given all the reasons I have to feel that way. It makes me feel ungrateful. I swear I'm not.





Now, to reward you for getting this far.....pictures of the world's cutest puppy, Bandit, who is an 8-week-old German Shepherd:

On the ride to his new home

Meeting our kitten, Fuzzy Wuzzy

Exhausted from all the excitement

The kids are in love. We surprised them after school.
They had no idea.

Zach loves Bandit almost as much as Katie does.
And he's not the tiniest bit afraid of him.

Catching up

We've been living in our new house, in a new city and state, for over a month now. I've started several blog posts in that time, but I can't seem to put my thoughts into an organized post, so I'm starting over in a list format. Here goes!

I am thankful for:

• My running route. I'm so excited that our home is on the road we used to run/walk when we lived here five years ago! (John ran, I walked - with the double jogger) Now that I've become a runner, I run the first 4 miles and walk the last 1.25. That last part includes a super hard hill that I just can't run yet, but I'm working up to it. I love that I get to run past wheat fields and watch their transformation from green to gold. I love the foresty parts and the smell of the pine trees. I love the little streams along the side of the road, and the open fields where cows graze. I love, love, love the wildlife! There are always deer, and sometimes wild turkeys, pheasants, chipmunks, squirrels. (Five years ago, Alisa and I came across a porcupine that scared us to death, but I haven't had that happen again...yet.) I run with one headphone so I can still hear the sounds of nature. I hope I never take for granted the beauty I get to enjoy while I'm burning calories!
•  Space. Our new house is almost 3 times the size of our old one. While this presents some problems, like lack of furniture and decor, I'm enjoying the open feeling. I'm trying to get organized, get rid of stuff I should have tossed when I was packing, and I want to avoid filling all of the space with clutter. Did I mention the storage space? I have more cupboards and closets than I know what to do with (I hope it stays that way), and we all have walk-in closets. John and I even get our own! Mine's pretty empty, in case you're wondering. ;)
• Our view/neighborhood. The main thing that made me choose our house is the property. We have five acres, as do the surrounding homes, and we're on the Palouse. This means we're surrounded by rolling prairie. There are lots of wheat fields, and tons of pine trees. It's beautiful! And I get that view from almost every window in the house! (Not from the smaller bathroom windows.) From our deck, we can watch the sun set and the moon rise at the same time. And it's so peaceful! We hear the occasional car or truck, but most of the sounds are from the wildlife. We feel like we're in heaven all of the time!
• The people here. We have been welcomed with open arms. The people at church have been amazing! We've been invited to dinner by a few different families, and even to someone's lake cabin for a day. That was super fun! I don't feel like I have super close friends yet, and it's a little lonely, but that's normal. I feel blessed to have people who are nice, friends we can call for the kids to play with, and people I know I can call if I need something.
• Friends and family who helped in a million ways to get our house on the market and packed and cleaned, and to get us moved here. My mom gave so much of her time to help me paint, fix things, and pack up at our old house. I don't know what I would have done without her! My sister was a great help, too. My mother-in-law helped paint, and took the kids a bunch of times so I could work without them in my hair. Shane and Becky helped us pack our junk into the moving truck for our first trip up. Without them and our next door neighbor, we would have been packing our giant U-Haul by ourselves. Not fun! Ginger took time to hang out with me and my crazy kids so I could take a breather from the stress of moving. She even pretended to like our company! ;) And I had other friends and neighbors offer to help in other ways, especially by taking the kids for a while. It feels nice to be loved and supported by so many helpful people!

I miss:

• My friends and family, of course. We can't just drive to see grandmas and grandpas, or meet up with them for dinner whenever we want. I can't call up a friend and go get pedicures, take the kids swimming, or grab dinner. I can't meet up with my sister or go visit her just to get out of the house. Thank goodness for Facebook, texting, and my phone. And thanks for calling me or answering when I call you. It's definitely a little lonely in a new place before you really make good friends.
• My neighbors. We had no idea when we moved into our old house that we would make such strong bonds with the neighbors. My next door neighbors are like surrogate grandparents to our kids, and were two of my best friends. I could run next door for any reason, any time. I enjoyed their company and loved just knowing they were right there if I needed them. I've talked to them on the phone a few times since we moved and will continue to do so. I love them! There are other wonderful people in our old neighborhood whom we miss terribly. Luckily for us, they're watching over our still-not-sold house as it sits there empty.
• My old house. Just kidding! Maybe it's because we still own it and are still paying the mortgage and power and water! I got a little emotional when I drove away from it at 2 am after cleaning for hours and hours and trying to cram the last little items into John's truck! I will always love the memories we made in that house. But it's just a house, and we brought our memory-makers with us. I don't miss the icky, icky basement or the feeling of being on top of each other. I'll probably have a harder time once we actually sell the place, if we ever do!

Here are some pictures, just for fun. :)

The view from the back of our house, scanning left to right:

 Our family room and the only new furniture we'll have for quite a while ;)

 The kitchen, in all of its oak glory:

Except with these stools (oops, they're new, too):

Hallway:

Basement family room:

The big red slide downtown:

Zach loves the new kitty:

Ta ta for now! :)

I'm sitting in my bed, holding a bunch just like this, given to me by my sweet little six-year-old. He's watched me stop on our way to school to bury my nose in these beautiful lilacs and inhale deeply. He knows how much I love them, so he wanted to bring some to me as he headed home from the park with his dad. John took the kids to play for a while, both to spend some time with them, and to give me a much needed break.

It's been a horendous week. It's only Wednesday, and I can really say that it's been awful. I spent the time while the kids were gone in the tub. It was peaceful and wonderful, and I knew it was coming to an end. So I got out and opened the bathroom door, and was smacked in the face with reality. It's still light outside. Meaning the kids aren't in bed yet, so that battle is still to be fought. The house is such a mess that I want to close my eyes and pretend it's not real. I get dressed and sit in bed. And I contemplate, seriously, running away. I could run away from it all. Clearly I'm not cut out for this, and they would all be better off with someone who can handle it all.

My thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening and my bedroom door handle being jostled from the outside. In runs Carter, yelling, "I have a surprise for you." The look on his face as he pulls the lilac blossoms from behind his back is priceless. I smile and thank him, and kiss him on the cheek. Then I listen as he runs to tell the rest of them that I loved them and gave him a kiss.

And then I sit, smelling the lilacs and sobbing.

Dream Home #2

When I was watching my dream house (you know, the one that sold before we could make an offer?), hoping & and praying that it wouldn't sell, I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, it would work out - that we would find something even better suited to our family. And then the news came that someone bought my house. And I had a harder time convincing myself that we really would find something better. It seemed like we would find a house that was second best and convince ourselves that we love it.

Well my mom & I flew to Spokane Saturday morning and spent two days looking at houses. I think we saw 16 homes. My hopes were pretty high. After all, I'm shopping for bigger & nicer houses than I was last time around. But house shopping is house shopping, and we couldn't believe some of the things we saw. Apparently there are a lot of people on south hill in Spokane who think their houses are worth a ton because of location, and have completely missed the styles changing over the past 20 years. Oh, and the most expensive house we saw on Saturday was in such a state of chaos that we could have vomited! (This one was on High Dr., Spokane gals.) Not a single bed was made, the counters were piled with dishes caked with stuck-on food. Cabinet doors were hanging open with their contents spilling out. And the basement was a cat-odor nightmare. There was even a plate of dried up chow mein (I think?) on the floor in the middle of the room, I'm assuming for the cats. I could have overlooked the mess if the house had been what I wanted, but it wasn't, so it makes for a good story.

We saw one home Saturday and one Sunday that were gorgeous. The walls were all painted in the perfect colors, the floorplans were new and open, the kitchens beautiful, and every fixture in the house new. One even had 1.8 acres and a gorgeous view of the prairie. But the house that felt the best to me was the one we've been eyeing for quite a while online. It's on 5 acres, already set up for horses with fencing and a small stable. (Not that we'll have horses, but I like having the option.) It's not on our road, but it's on the road that we made an extension of our running route when we trained for the Bloomsday race. (Ben Burr, in case you're wondering.) And while it's on the prairie with stunning views, it's right around the corner from the elementary school and the grocery store. We knew the home was dated from the pictures, but it took being inside to realize that it needs a major overhaul. The carpets are in good shape, but uglier than ugly, and they probably had to clear an entire forest for the oak in the house. A lot of that can be fixed with paint, but the kitchen is bad enough to need a remodel. (Darn it, I'll have to design my dream kitchen!) So at the risk of making you think I've lost my mind, here are some pictures:

front of the house

back of the house

foyer
(open doors on the left lead to the master,
the opening you can barely see on the right is the formal LR)

formal dining room
(door on the right is the front door)

formal living room
(window looks out on back yard)

kitchen
(window looks out to back yard)

informal dining & family room
(windows on left look over back yard,
kitchen is behind the photographer)

looking from family room through to kitchen

master bedroom
(doors go to backyard, bathroom & closets are to the left)

master bath
(windows look to the backyard)

looking down the driveway to the street

I know it's impossible to really picture it all, but that gives you an idea. I'm going to make the formal dining area into a living room and make the formal living room John's office. It has french doors and built-in cabinets, so it's perfect. There are 3 bedrooms & 2 baths on the 3rd floor, a guest bedroom with attached bathroom on the main level, and another bedroom downstairs for Tanner. There's a workout room downstairs, and room for a ping pong table and pool table or something else, a full family room, and mini kitchen. This house gives us the space for all of our kids and their friends, even when they're teenagers. And the land gives them room to run and be free. It just feels like us.

We placed an offer last night, and I'll be on pins and needles all day. So since I can't stop thinking about it for a minute, I figured I'd share. :)

For My Valentine

In June, my hubby and I celebrated 10 years of being married to each other. We've actually known each other for much longer than 10 years. When I met him, he looked like this:

(Yes, he's going to kill me for posting that picture.) We were babies. We popped in and out of each other's lives for years. Then in 1998 we got smart enough to realize we should be together. John got his MBA and decided he wanted to go to medical school before we were even married. I took pre-vet classes while he went back and took pre-med classes. (And he got another Master's degree. Show off!) In 2001 we tied the knot,

 toured Europe with my dad,

 and John started medical school. I decided to change my major to piano, and John got to listen to me pound on the keys for hours a day while he studied. Together we lived through OB, surgery, and medicine rotations, to name the harder ones. He came to my jury performances and I cheered him on as he took test, after test, after test, after test. We flew across the country together so that he could interview for residency programs. We agonized for hours at a time as we decided how to rank our choices of residencies. We celebrated together when he got his first choice, and took off together to live in Spokane for a year.

That year of internship was filled with nights of working late, far too many overnight call shifts, and plenty of stress. And then we came back to Salt Lake for 4 more years of residency. More studying and all of the steps of the boards passed - physics, written, and oral. (My hubby is one hard worker and amazingly intelligent!) John decided what he wanted to specialize in and did everything right so that we could stay here for another year for fellowship. For 4 years now, he's been getting up extra early most days of the week to work at the methadone clinic downtown before going to work. And for a couple of years he's taken his vacation time to cover for a doc in Roosevelt so we could have some extra cash.

Through all of this, we've seen more than 4 pregnancies come and go. :(  We've delivered 4 beautiful babies together. We went from having visitation of Tanner to welcoming him into our home full time. We've lived through the sleepless nights and the incomparable fun of having babies. We've cleaned poop off of things we never imagined would ever have poop on them. We've watched babies learn to walk, and loved listening to them learn to talk. We've seen things we love get destroyed by our little monsters. We've watched them fight and play and love each other.  We've spent Saturday nights with our best friends, watching our kids grow up together. We've seen every kid show there is.We've lived an incredible life so far!

We're about to begin a new adventure together as a family. Fellowship is almost over - I can hardly believe it! We're headed back to Spokane, a place we fell in love with together. We're shopping for our dream home and planning incredible things to do with our kids. And it's just the beginning of another chapter in our life.

I'm so grateful that I married my best friend. I'm grateful for how hard he works, and for how much he loves me. He tries to make me laugh every day of my life. He's the most amazing father to our kids. He's an amazing guy in general. Happy Valentines Day, Dr. Bell. I love you!

Broken dreams

We're moving to Spokane. At the end of June. Did you know that already? John got a position at a really awesome partnership, and the job starts July 1st. Having lived there for a year for John's internship before residency, we know that city and feel quite at home there, so we're pretty excited. (Not thrilled about leaving our friends and family here, though.) I know which schools are my top choices for the kids, and we've got a few neighborhoods where we'd prefer to live.

Actually, we flew to Spokane in October for the interview and they set us up with a realtor to show us around. We specifically asked her to show us a house we were dying to see. It's on this road:

This is the mailbox belonging to the house next door:

This is down the road less than 1/4 mile and across the street:

And this is what you see when you walk further down the road on the trail we walked/ran over and over when we lived there. (You know? The one I've blogged about over and over, and over and over. Until you're sick of hearing it. That one.)

We weren't sure what to expect when we looked at the house, but I fell in love instantly. Open floor plan, lots of windows and very bright, ranch style so the kitchen and family room walk straight out to the back yard, tons of yard for the kids to play in, fully fenced.....you get the idea. It was my dream home. John liked it too. And once he excepted the job offer, I helped him to fall in love, too. We came up with a plan to build a pool/guest house, and I moved in mentally. I practically have the pictures hung and the clothes put away in the closets. We offered on the home in December, on the advice of our realtor, just hoping to secure it even though we can't close until May 1st at the earliest. Not surprisingly, that was too far off for the seller and they declined our offer. So we've watched the house daily and kept our fingers crossed that it would stay on the market.

And it did! Until yesterday. The new buyers closed on the home yesterday. Someone bought my house. My dream house. I'm shattered.

But I knew there was a good chance this would happen. I knew it was dumb to allow myself to fall so head-over-heels in love. I realized that I might end up right where I am. :(

I'm OK. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity. Now I get to go house shopping. Not that I haven't looked at every single home for sale in Spokane on the internet a million times already. Every.Single.One. But who knows what will come on the market before we move? And there are some other good possibilities. We'll end up in a lovely home and we'll be happy. I just know it.

But I can't say that I won't drive by that house when we get there and think about what might have been...