Sometimes I feel like a sad song.....

(Do you know that song by John Denver? LOVE that song!) As usual, I've been dying to post on my blog, but I'm torn. I don't want to be that person you know who always complains about some ailment and never seems to be doing well. So I've settled for being the person who smiles and says she's doing well and doesn't offer any details. Which is better? I think most of the time the latter is best - usually when people ask how you're doing, there's not time to go into detail, and no one wants to hear a negative response. (I can just hear Eeyore's glum voice in my head.) However, yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine. She recently suffered a miscarriage, and we were sharing our stories. She said that a lot of people "suffer in silence." I wanted to scream out something, anything. I have felt like that for so long now! I know I've mentioned it here more than once, but I just don't dare talk too much. And when I'm with my close friends, I don't want to talk about it because I feel uplifted by their presence. What's the point in dragging myself back down and taking them with me? The only people I really discuss my depression with are those who have suffered or are suffering themselves and can understand. I do talk to my husband about it, but I think it gets old for both of us. What husband wants to come home every day to hear the same old story of his wife's depression and how black everything is? Besides, when he's home I tend to feel better. I get a reprieve from handling the kids by myself and I don't feel so lonely. Plus, he does his best to make me laugh constantly, and he's good at it! So where am I going with all of this? Today I'm talking about it - my depression. Yes, I'm still seeing a counselor and taking meds and trying to change my thought patterns. And there are days, even a week at a time, when I feel much better. Unfortunately I've been in a real slump this past week, and feeling almost worse than before. (I'm sure going back to the 69-degree weather and sunshine would help!) So instead of suffering in silence, I'm sharing my feelings. One of my favorite songs is Ghost by Indigo Girls. I've turned to this song over and over since I first heard it during my freshman year at the Y. It has meant different things to me at different times. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

There's a letter on the desktop

that I dug out of a drawer -

the last truce we ever came to

in our adolescent war.

And I start to feel a fever

from the warm air through the screen.

You come regular like seasons,

shadowing my dreams.

Well the Mississippi's mighty,

and it starts in Minnesota,

at a place that you can walk across

with five steps down.

And I guess that's how you started,

like a pinprick to my heart,

but at this point you rush right through me

and I start to drown.

And there's not enough room

in this world for my pain.

Signals cross, and love gets lost,

and time passed makes it plain.

................

And I feel it like a sickness,

how this love is killing me.

But I'd walk into the fingers

of your fire willingly,

and dance the edge of sanity,

I've never been this close.

Unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you

pierce my spirit, but I can't touch you.

Can you hear it - a cry to be free?

I'm forever under lock and key,

as you pass through me.

......................

...as I burn up in your presence

and I know now how it feels

to be weakened like Achilles,

with you always at my heels.

And my bitter pill to swallow

is the silence that I keep.

It poisons me, I can't swim free,

the river is too deep.

You are shadowing my dreams.

OK, I feel like I've massacred the song, just including the pertinent lyrics. But I wanted to share with you one of my favorite songs, at the same time giving you a really good idea of what's going on in my head. Seriously, these words are just perfect for how I feel! (I'd include a link so you can listen to it, but I don't know how.) I totally understand the power of music. I've thought more than once that maybe instead of finishing my piano performance degree I should get a degree in music therapy, or some such thing. Music can be so powerful in affecting our moods and making us feel better, or worse. this song is at the top of my cry-my-heart-out-to-it songs. (You know what I'm talking about.) But I can only listen to it when I'm having a good cry, or when I feel great and want to do some top-of-my-lungs car singing. If I'm feeling even a little down, it'll bring me down further. That's when I go to my happy songs. I'll share one of those with you next time.......