Our bunny died on Easter

Seriously. Isn't that awful? It will make for great Easter memories, I'm sure.

Our German Shepherd puppy, Bandit, loves animals. He likes to hold the cat, the one who will let him, and the bunny, and lick them until they're soaking wet piles of fur. He doesn't mean to hurt them. Unfortunately, yesterday after dinner, Bandit opened the bunny cage (yes, he opened it by himself) and decided to take the bunny out. There was no blood, thank goodness, but the bunny didn't survive. Katie cried and cried while John took care of things and dug a grave. As is our tradition now (we've lost a lot of small pets in the last few years), we each said something we remember about our bunny Gretel, then we shoveled the dirt into the grave. John dug it nice and deep so we don't have to deal with Bandit digging it back up later. That would be awful!

I've nicknamed Bandit Lennie. You know, from Of Mice and Men? But it's not really funny. I'm just grateful that the dog didn't get the taste of blood. Now we'll have to watch him closely and not let him play with the cat.

 

So now we have the first grave in our new pet cemetery. Katie doesn't do death well, not that a 9-year-old should. But she still cries over small pets who've been gone for years. Her sadness is what hit me the hardest, but I'll also miss the boys carrying the bunny around and feeding it carrots and lettuce. It's really sweet seeing your kids being so loving to a little animal.

March thoughts

I guess it's time for my semi-annual blog post! ;)  I have a lot swimming around in my head, so I'm going to do this list-style:

• I'm feeling extremely grateful for a hardworking husband and too many blessings to list. My hubby spoils me rotten. I don't deserve it, but I'm not complaining!
• One of the reasons I'm feeling so spoiled is that I hired a housekeeper. As much as I love my house - and I think it's perfect for a family with 5 kids, 4 of whom are rambunctious boys who get bigger every day - it's just too big for me to keep clean. 6800 sq ft is getting the best of me. So John told me last month I should call the woman who cleaned this house for the former owner. It took a few weeks for me to push the guilt aside and make the call. The first visit was Thursday, and stressed me out completely! First I was worried about having things picked up and dishes done so that the real deep cleaning was all that was left. Then it was the stress of keeping things clean after I'd paid to get it that way. Fortunately, I think I can push through the stress and enjoy having some help. (Can you hear the sarcasm? Poor me, right?) She'll be coming back for a short cleaning this week, then again for the deeper clean next week.
• While I'm talking about my house, a week ago tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of putting in an offer on this house. Not an anniversary I'd remember, but it happened the day after my birthday. For the second time in our married life, my husband let me buy a house he'd never seen in person. Now that's trust! Luckily, he's just as happy with our new home as I am. :) We recently had the front page of the house plans framed and hung it above the fireplace in the den. It's really fun to look at.

• I'm reading again! For the last 9 years of my life, I've been convinced that I don't have time for leisure reading. I've read plenty of non-fiction books about child-rearing, but only a book here and there, usually for the neighborhood book club. Well, I finally decided I wanted to read something good, and I started with The Fountainhead, which I've wanted to read forever. I disagreed with a lot of the philosophy in the book, and I felt uncomfortable with it at times. And I loved reading it! I loved having to think, and having to stretch myself. I didn't want to put it down, and finished it pretty quickly, considering how long it is. I think that's what it took to remind myself that I love to read, and to decide that I can make time for reading.
• To go with the reading theme, I'm just finishing Heaven is Here, by Stephanie Nielson. You know, Nie Nie who was in the plane wreck? Have you read it? I freely admit that I have never once read her blog, and I was never really interested in her story. That might sound awful, but I heard about her blog and it didn't appeal to me. But the book is amazing. I did have to force myself through the first section about her uber-perfect BYU courtship. But it was necessary to know all about her life in order to understand how much she lost when she got hurt. I have cried and cried as I've read about her struggles, particularly the dark feelings of despair she went through. It helps to know that everyone has trouble in this life, and that my problems are really quite small compared to what others have suffered. (Not that I didn't know that, but reminders don't hurt now and then.)
• I have major spring fever! I planted over 600 bulbs in the fall, and I think about them every. single. time. I go outside. Now that some of them are starting to peek out of the ground, I'm going crazy with excitement! Although I'm terrified that the deer are going to eat them. I planted some super tall tulip bulbs that I've wanted to plant for years, but tulips are famous for being "deer candy." I've already sprayed my stinky deer repellent 3 times and I'll be doing it faithfully every week in hopes of not losing my precious flowers to those pesky (and adorable) deer!

I guess that's all for now. Thanks for stopping by!

A good cry and a cute puppy

Sunday morning around 11am, I'm in my bedroom sobbing. Bawling my eyes out really. Crying is a Sunday morning tradition for me, given that week after week I drag my 5 kids to church by myself, and every single week my 4-year-old refuses to get dressed, throws a huge fit, runs away from me, rips off the clothes I've managed to get on him.....you get the picture. I start the morning off determined to keep a positive attitude, but it's not abnormal for me to break down in tears before pulling myself together and pulling the kids by their hair arms into church. Anyway, back to this Sunday at 11am. Actually, let's skip back to 10:45. I sit at the computer eating my breakfast, knowing I need to start getting everyone ready for 1:00 church, but deciding to check a few blogs first. I go to one I haven't read in a while, and bam - I'm reading the most gut-wrenching story. This woman has endured tragedy in the past, and recent events have added to that in ways that seem unfair and un-survivable. The tears are streaming down my cheeks, and when I've finished reading, I run to my room.

Here we are, back at 11:00. I'm bawling now. I think I needed a good cry. It's been building for a while now. But I'm not just crying for my fellow blogger. I'm crying because she has real, tangible reasons for being sad. I don't. I have a beautiful home; a hard-working, helpful, and loving husband; healthy, happy kids; people all around me who are becoming friends and reach out to me and make me feel welcome. I don't feel justified being depressed. But I have been for weeks now. I had a bit of the blues when we first moved here at the end of June, but it wasn't too bad. This depression doesn't seem to be all about moving. I'm sure it's a factor, as is the changing weather with very little sunshine to be seen, and the fact that we live far enough north that darkness comes far too early in the day. But depression can be pretty anonymous. And it's hard to fix something you can't quite put your finger on.

I think things are getting better. I've got a church calling that keeps me really busy, and that's probably a blessing. We got a new puppy who needs constant attention (and cleaning up after!), but I think that's good too, because it's hard to sit on the couch and wallow in depression when a little puppy's running around threatening to destroy everything and poop everywhere. But I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilty for not being annoyingly happy, given all the reasons I have to feel that way. It makes me feel ungrateful. I swear I'm not.





Now, to reward you for getting this far.....pictures of the world's cutest puppy, Bandit, who is an 8-week-old German Shepherd:

On the ride to his new home

Meeting our kitten, Fuzzy Wuzzy

Exhausted from all the excitement

The kids are in love. We surprised them after school.
They had no idea.

Zach loves Bandit almost as much as Katie does.
And he's not the tiniest bit afraid of him.

Catching up

We've been living in our new house, in a new city and state, for over a month now. I've started several blog posts in that time, but I can't seem to put my thoughts into an organized post, so I'm starting over in a list format. Here goes!

I am thankful for:

• My running route. I'm so excited that our home is on the road we used to run/walk when we lived here five years ago! (John ran, I walked - with the double jogger) Now that I've become a runner, I run the first 4 miles and walk the last 1.25. That last part includes a super hard hill that I just can't run yet, but I'm working up to it. I love that I get to run past wheat fields and watch their transformation from green to gold. I love the foresty parts and the smell of the pine trees. I love the little streams along the side of the road, and the open fields where cows graze. I love, love, love the wildlife! There are always deer, and sometimes wild turkeys, pheasants, chipmunks, squirrels. (Five years ago, Alisa and I came across a porcupine that scared us to death, but I haven't had that happen again...yet.) I run with one headphone so I can still hear the sounds of nature. I hope I never take for granted the beauty I get to enjoy while I'm burning calories!
•  Space. Our new house is almost 3 times the size of our old one. While this presents some problems, like lack of furniture and decor, I'm enjoying the open feeling. I'm trying to get organized, get rid of stuff I should have tossed when I was packing, and I want to avoid filling all of the space with clutter. Did I mention the storage space? I have more cupboards and closets than I know what to do with (I hope it stays that way), and we all have walk-in closets. John and I even get our own! Mine's pretty empty, in case you're wondering. ;)
• Our view/neighborhood. The main thing that made me choose our house is the property. We have five acres, as do the surrounding homes, and we're on the Palouse. This means we're surrounded by rolling prairie. There are lots of wheat fields, and tons of pine trees. It's beautiful! And I get that view from almost every window in the house! (Not from the smaller bathroom windows.) From our deck, we can watch the sun set and the moon rise at the same time. And it's so peaceful! We hear the occasional car or truck, but most of the sounds are from the wildlife. We feel like we're in heaven all of the time!
• The people here. We have been welcomed with open arms. The people at church have been amazing! We've been invited to dinner by a few different families, and even to someone's lake cabin for a day. That was super fun! I don't feel like I have super close friends yet, and it's a little lonely, but that's normal. I feel blessed to have people who are nice, friends we can call for the kids to play with, and people I know I can call if I need something.
• Friends and family who helped in a million ways to get our house on the market and packed and cleaned, and to get us moved here. My mom gave so much of her time to help me paint, fix things, and pack up at our old house. I don't know what I would have done without her! My sister was a great help, too. My mother-in-law helped paint, and took the kids a bunch of times so I could work without them in my hair. Shane and Becky helped us pack our junk into the moving truck for our first trip up. Without them and our next door neighbor, we would have been packing our giant U-Haul by ourselves. Not fun! Ginger took time to hang out with me and my crazy kids so I could take a breather from the stress of moving. She even pretended to like our company! ;) And I had other friends and neighbors offer to help in other ways, especially by taking the kids for a while. It feels nice to be loved and supported by so many helpful people!

I miss:

• My friends and family, of course. We can't just drive to see grandmas and grandpas, or meet up with them for dinner whenever we want. I can't call up a friend and go get pedicures, take the kids swimming, or grab dinner. I can't meet up with my sister or go visit her just to get out of the house. Thank goodness for Facebook, texting, and my phone. And thanks for calling me or answering when I call you. It's definitely a little lonely in a new place before you really make good friends.
• My neighbors. We had no idea when we moved into our old house that we would make such strong bonds with the neighbors. My next door neighbors are like surrogate grandparents to our kids, and were two of my best friends. I could run next door for any reason, any time. I enjoyed their company and loved just knowing they were right there if I needed them. I've talked to them on the phone a few times since we moved and will continue to do so. I love them! There are other wonderful people in our old neighborhood whom we miss terribly. Luckily for us, they're watching over our still-not-sold house as it sits there empty.
• My old house. Just kidding! Maybe it's because we still own it and are still paying the mortgage and power and water! I got a little emotional when I drove away from it at 2 am after cleaning for hours and hours and trying to cram the last little items into John's truck! I will always love the memories we made in that house. But it's just a house, and we brought our memory-makers with us. I don't miss the icky, icky basement or the feeling of being on top of each other. I'll probably have a harder time once we actually sell the place, if we ever do!

Here are some pictures, just for fun. :)

The view from the back of our house, scanning left to right:

 Our family room and the only new furniture we'll have for quite a while ;)

 The kitchen, in all of its oak glory:

Except with these stools (oops, they're new, too):

Hallway:

Basement family room:

The big red slide downtown:

Zach loves the new kitty:

Ta ta for now! :)

I'm sitting in my bed, holding a bunch just like this, given to me by my sweet little six-year-old. He's watched me stop on our way to school to bury my nose in these beautiful lilacs and inhale deeply. He knows how much I love them, so he wanted to bring some to me as he headed home from the park with his dad. John took the kids to play for a while, both to spend some time with them, and to give me a much needed break.

It's been a horendous week. It's only Wednesday, and I can really say that it's been awful. I spent the time while the kids were gone in the tub. It was peaceful and wonderful, and I knew it was coming to an end. So I got out and opened the bathroom door, and was smacked in the face with reality. It's still light outside. Meaning the kids aren't in bed yet, so that battle is still to be fought. The house is such a mess that I want to close my eyes and pretend it's not real. I get dressed and sit in bed. And I contemplate, seriously, running away. I could run away from it all. Clearly I'm not cut out for this, and they would all be better off with someone who can handle it all.

My thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening and my bedroom door handle being jostled from the outside. In runs Carter, yelling, "I have a surprise for you." The look on his face as he pulls the lilac blossoms from behind his back is priceless. I smile and thank him, and kiss him on the cheek. Then I listen as he runs to tell the rest of them that I loved them and gave him a kiss.

And then I sit, smelling the lilacs and sobbing.

Dream Home #2

When I was watching my dream house (you know, the one that sold before we could make an offer?), hoping & and praying that it wouldn't sell, I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, it would work out - that we would find something even better suited to our family. And then the news came that someone bought my house. And I had a harder time convincing myself that we really would find something better. It seemed like we would find a house that was second best and convince ourselves that we love it.

Well my mom & I flew to Spokane Saturday morning and spent two days looking at houses. I think we saw 16 homes. My hopes were pretty high. After all, I'm shopping for bigger & nicer houses than I was last time around. But house shopping is house shopping, and we couldn't believe some of the things we saw. Apparently there are a lot of people on south hill in Spokane who think their houses are worth a ton because of location, and have completely missed the styles changing over the past 20 years. Oh, and the most expensive house we saw on Saturday was in such a state of chaos that we could have vomited! (This one was on High Dr., Spokane gals.) Not a single bed was made, the counters were piled with dishes caked with stuck-on food. Cabinet doors were hanging open with their contents spilling out. And the basement was a cat-odor nightmare. There was even a plate of dried up chow mein (I think?) on the floor in the middle of the room, I'm assuming for the cats. I could have overlooked the mess if the house had been what I wanted, but it wasn't, so it makes for a good story.

We saw one home Saturday and one Sunday that were gorgeous. The walls were all painted in the perfect colors, the floorplans were new and open, the kitchens beautiful, and every fixture in the house new. One even had 1.8 acres and a gorgeous view of the prairie. But the house that felt the best to me was the one we've been eyeing for quite a while online. It's on 5 acres, already set up for horses with fencing and a small stable. (Not that we'll have horses, but I like having the option.) It's not on our road, but it's on the road that we made an extension of our running route when we trained for the Bloomsday race. (Ben Burr, in case you're wondering.) And while it's on the prairie with stunning views, it's right around the corner from the elementary school and the grocery store. We knew the home was dated from the pictures, but it took being inside to realize that it needs a major overhaul. The carpets are in good shape, but uglier than ugly, and they probably had to clear an entire forest for the oak in the house. A lot of that can be fixed with paint, but the kitchen is bad enough to need a remodel. (Darn it, I'll have to design my dream kitchen!) So at the risk of making you think I've lost my mind, here are some pictures:

front of the house

back of the house

foyer
(open doors on the left lead to the master,
the opening you can barely see on the right is the formal LR)

formal dining room
(door on the right is the front door)

formal living room
(window looks out on back yard)

kitchen
(window looks out to back yard)

informal dining & family room
(windows on left look over back yard,
kitchen is behind the photographer)

looking from family room through to kitchen

master bedroom
(doors go to backyard, bathroom & closets are to the left)

master bath
(windows look to the backyard)

looking down the driveway to the street

I know it's impossible to really picture it all, but that gives you an idea. I'm going to make the formal dining area into a living room and make the formal living room John's office. It has french doors and built-in cabinets, so it's perfect. There are 3 bedrooms & 2 baths on the 3rd floor, a guest bedroom with attached bathroom on the main level, and another bedroom downstairs for Tanner. There's a workout room downstairs, and room for a ping pong table and pool table or something else, a full family room, and mini kitchen. This house gives us the space for all of our kids and their friends, even when they're teenagers. And the land gives them room to run and be free. It just feels like us.

We placed an offer last night, and I'll be on pins and needles all day. So since I can't stop thinking about it for a minute, I figured I'd share. :)

For My Valentine

In June, my hubby and I celebrated 10 years of being married to each other. We've actually known each other for much longer than 10 years. When I met him, he looked like this:

(Yes, he's going to kill me for posting that picture.) We were babies. We popped in and out of each other's lives for years. Then in 1998 we got smart enough to realize we should be together. John got his MBA and decided he wanted to go to medical school before we were even married. I took pre-vet classes while he went back and took pre-med classes. (And he got another Master's degree. Show off!) In 2001 we tied the knot,

 toured Europe with my dad,

 and John started medical school. I decided to change my major to piano, and John got to listen to me pound on the keys for hours a day while he studied. Together we lived through OB, surgery, and medicine rotations, to name the harder ones. He came to my jury performances and I cheered him on as he took test, after test, after test, after test. We flew across the country together so that he could interview for residency programs. We agonized for hours at a time as we decided how to rank our choices of residencies. We celebrated together when he got his first choice, and took off together to live in Spokane for a year.

That year of internship was filled with nights of working late, far too many overnight call shifts, and plenty of stress. And then we came back to Salt Lake for 4 more years of residency. More studying and all of the steps of the boards passed - physics, written, and oral. (My hubby is one hard worker and amazingly intelligent!) John decided what he wanted to specialize in and did everything right so that we could stay here for another year for fellowship. For 4 years now, he's been getting up extra early most days of the week to work at the methadone clinic downtown before going to work. And for a couple of years he's taken his vacation time to cover for a doc in Roosevelt so we could have some extra cash.

Through all of this, we've seen more than 4 pregnancies come and go. :(  We've delivered 4 beautiful babies together. We went from having visitation of Tanner to welcoming him into our home full time. We've lived through the sleepless nights and the incomparable fun of having babies. We've cleaned poop off of things we never imagined would ever have poop on them. We've watched babies learn to walk, and loved listening to them learn to talk. We've seen things we love get destroyed by our little monsters. We've watched them fight and play and love each other.  We've spent Saturday nights with our best friends, watching our kids grow up together. We've seen every kid show there is.We've lived an incredible life so far!

We're about to begin a new adventure together as a family. Fellowship is almost over - I can hardly believe it! We're headed back to Spokane, a place we fell in love with together. We're shopping for our dream home and planning incredible things to do with our kids. And it's just the beginning of another chapter in our life.

I'm so grateful that I married my best friend. I'm grateful for how hard he works, and for how much he loves me. He tries to make me laugh every day of my life. He's the most amazing father to our kids. He's an amazing guy in general. Happy Valentines Day, Dr. Bell. I love you!