Body Image Dissonance

I have always loved TLC's What Not to Wear. I love to shop, so of course there's the part where you get to watch someone shop in cool stores in Manhattan. Then there's the hair and makeup segment, which is definitely my favorite. I really do follow Carmindy's makeup tips when they're doable. And boy do I wish that Nick Arrojo or Ted Gibson would give me a super cute haircut that suits my face and personal style perfectly. Oh, the fun of living vicariously through people on TV! And I swear to you that Stacy and Clinton really care about helping people to feel comfortable and happy in their bodies. If only I could accidentally run into them shopping. I'd ask them for a few tips and they'd tell me what a rockin' bod I have and show me some hints to make it look even better. Ahhhhh.....

Last night the show introduced me to a mommy blog I didn't know exists, parenting BY dummies. I checked it out and read the last couple of entries. Amanda's writing comes across exactly as mine sounds in my head - sarcastic and self-denigrating, but humorous at the same time. That and the fact that she's super cute and always smiling, and writes about being a mom and has three little boys, will make me a regular reader I think. One of the things Amanda seems to talk about frequently on her blog is the issue of body image. This prompted me to think about my own body image, and I think I made a discovery. I have two very separate, and very opposite, trains of thought when it comes to how I feel about my body.

On one hand, after 35 years of being me, I finally feel at peace with what I look like. I can even tell myself that I like what I see in the mirror, that I'm beautiful (on a good day). I'm OK with the wrinkles that are beginning to deepen. I no longer think I need a nose job, despite the 2 times my nose has been broken by one of my children. I don't ever want a face lift. I've accepted the fact that going gray early is a family trait, and I can deal with it. (Thank goodness my sister is a hairdresser!) I am no longer plagued with "bad hair days" like I was in high school and college. My hair is what it is, whether it's perfectly straight and shiny, cute and curly, or pulled back in a greasy messy pony tail because I don't have time to worry about it and who the heck cares! I can run to Walmart with no makeup on and not care who sees me or what anyone thinks. (Although I have wondered if I should check peopleofwalmart.com for pictures of myself. Nah, I probably don't want to know...) Or I can get all dolled up, put on a pair of skinny jeans and my cutest boots, and go out with my husband, all the time strutting my stuff and knowing that, while I'm not a skinny little 20-something hotty, I've got it going on! See, I'm pretty comfortable in my skin. And I think by the time we reach our mid-thirties, we deserve to be.

But on the other hand, I've got serious issues with my weight. I am at the heaviest I've been if you don't count pregnancies. I feel things jiggle when I move that have never jiggled before. I want to vomit every time I feel my thighs rubbing when I walk. (Seriously, I remember losing weight after baby #2 and getting to the point where my thighs didn't touch anymore. Oh, the bliss! [And probably way too much info. Sorry! And sorry for the parentheses within parentheses.]) I cringe when I hear the term "muffin top" - it just hits too close to home. I see liposuction commercials and I start thinking up ways to come up with the money. And yes, I realize that diet and exercise really are the best ways to deal with these issues. But right now, I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I will get back to working out. And I will learn a better way to deal with my emotions than to eat them away. Really, I will. And I don't mean any of this in a "poor me, I'm so fat" kind of way. I've simply gained weight and I don't like how it feels.

So you see the dissonance now. I feel like I'm finally comfortable with my looks, and yet I'm completely uncomfortable in my body. Interesting.

Now back to the show. Watching Stacy and Clinton with Amanda last night reminded me of something that I know all too well. I feel better about myself when I take care of myself. My mood is better when I have on a cute outfit, or at least matching clothes that aren't sweats or jammies. And doing something, anything, to my hair and putting on a little makeup does wonders for my self esteem. It's funny. Really, I don't think about it or care when I'm interacting with people at stores (like Walmart, where I may or may not be being photographed), but when I look decent, I feel better no matter where I am, whether anyone else can see me or not. So today I washed my hair, diffused it so it's got some bounce and curl to it, put on a touch of makeup, and I'm wearing jeans and a real top - not the cutest, trendiest clothes I own, but clean (that's important!) and reasonably cute to me. And I feel better than I have all week. Yay me! And thank you, What Not to Wear, for wanting me and everyone else out there to feel good about ourselves!

See, my TV addiction isn't all bad.........