A good cry and a cute puppy

Sunday morning around 11am, I'm in my bedroom sobbing. Bawling my eyes out really. Crying is a Sunday morning tradition for me, given that week after week I drag my 5 kids to church by myself, and every single week my 4-year-old refuses to get dressed, throws a huge fit, runs away from me, rips off the clothes I've managed to get on him.....you get the picture. I start the morning off determined to keep a positive attitude, but it's not abnormal for me to break down in tears before pulling myself together and pulling the kids by their hair arms into church. Anyway, back to this Sunday at 11am. Actually, let's skip back to 10:45. I sit at the computer eating my breakfast, knowing I need to start getting everyone ready for 1:00 church, but deciding to check a few blogs first. I go to one I haven't read in a while, and bam - I'm reading the most gut-wrenching story. This woman has endured tragedy in the past, and recent events have added to that in ways that seem unfair and un-survivable. The tears are streaming down my cheeks, and when I've finished reading, I run to my room.

Here we are, back at 11:00. I'm bawling now. I think I needed a good cry. It's been building for a while now. But I'm not just crying for my fellow blogger. I'm crying because she has real, tangible reasons for being sad. I don't. I have a beautiful home; a hard-working, helpful, and loving husband; healthy, happy kids; people all around me who are becoming friends and reach out to me and make me feel welcome. I don't feel justified being depressed. But I have been for weeks now. I had a bit of the blues when we first moved here at the end of June, but it wasn't too bad. This depression doesn't seem to be all about moving. I'm sure it's a factor, as is the changing weather with very little sunshine to be seen, and the fact that we live far enough north that darkness comes far too early in the day. But depression can be pretty anonymous. And it's hard to fix something you can't quite put your finger on.

I think things are getting better. I've got a church calling that keeps me really busy, and that's probably a blessing. We got a new puppy who needs constant attention (and cleaning up after!), but I think that's good too, because it's hard to sit on the couch and wallow in depression when a little puppy's running around threatening to destroy everything and poop everywhere. But I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilty for not being annoyingly happy, given all the reasons I have to feel that way. It makes me feel ungrateful. I swear I'm not.





Now, to reward you for getting this far.....pictures of the world's cutest puppy, Bandit, who is an 8-week-old German Shepherd:

On the ride to his new home

Meeting our kitten, Fuzzy Wuzzy

Exhausted from all the excitement

The kids are in love. We surprised them after school.
They had no idea.

Zach loves Bandit almost as much as Katie does.
And he's not the tiniest bit afraid of him.

Catching up

We've been living in our new house, in a new city and state, for over a month now. I've started several blog posts in that time, but I can't seem to put my thoughts into an organized post, so I'm starting over in a list format. Here goes!

I am thankful for:

• My running route. I'm so excited that our home is on the road we used to run/walk when we lived here five years ago! (John ran, I walked - with the double jogger) Now that I've become a runner, I run the first 4 miles and walk the last 1.25. That last part includes a super hard hill that I just can't run yet, but I'm working up to it. I love that I get to run past wheat fields and watch their transformation from green to gold. I love the foresty parts and the smell of the pine trees. I love the little streams along the side of the road, and the open fields where cows graze. I love, love, love the wildlife! There are always deer, and sometimes wild turkeys, pheasants, chipmunks, squirrels. (Five years ago, Alisa and I came across a porcupine that scared us to death, but I haven't had that happen again...yet.) I run with one headphone so I can still hear the sounds of nature. I hope I never take for granted the beauty I get to enjoy while I'm burning calories!
•  Space. Our new house is almost 3 times the size of our old one. While this presents some problems, like lack of furniture and decor, I'm enjoying the open feeling. I'm trying to get organized, get rid of stuff I should have tossed when I was packing, and I want to avoid filling all of the space with clutter. Did I mention the storage space? I have more cupboards and closets than I know what to do with (I hope it stays that way), and we all have walk-in closets. John and I even get our own! Mine's pretty empty, in case you're wondering. ;)
• Our view/neighborhood. The main thing that made me choose our house is the property. We have five acres, as do the surrounding homes, and we're on the Palouse. This means we're surrounded by rolling prairie. There are lots of wheat fields, and tons of pine trees. It's beautiful! And I get that view from almost every window in the house! (Not from the smaller bathroom windows.) From our deck, we can watch the sun set and the moon rise at the same time. And it's so peaceful! We hear the occasional car or truck, but most of the sounds are from the wildlife. We feel like we're in heaven all of the time!
• The people here. We have been welcomed with open arms. The people at church have been amazing! We've been invited to dinner by a few different families, and even to someone's lake cabin for a day. That was super fun! I don't feel like I have super close friends yet, and it's a little lonely, but that's normal. I feel blessed to have people who are nice, friends we can call for the kids to play with, and people I know I can call if I need something.
• Friends and family who helped in a million ways to get our house on the market and packed and cleaned, and to get us moved here. My mom gave so much of her time to help me paint, fix things, and pack up at our old house. I don't know what I would have done without her! My sister was a great help, too. My mother-in-law helped paint, and took the kids a bunch of times so I could work without them in my hair. Shane and Becky helped us pack our junk into the moving truck for our first trip up. Without them and our next door neighbor, we would have been packing our giant U-Haul by ourselves. Not fun! Ginger took time to hang out with me and my crazy kids so I could take a breather from the stress of moving. She even pretended to like our company! ;) And I had other friends and neighbors offer to help in other ways, especially by taking the kids for a while. It feels nice to be loved and supported by so many helpful people!

I miss:

• My friends and family, of course. We can't just drive to see grandmas and grandpas, or meet up with them for dinner whenever we want. I can't call up a friend and go get pedicures, take the kids swimming, or grab dinner. I can't meet up with my sister or go visit her just to get out of the house. Thank goodness for Facebook, texting, and my phone. And thanks for calling me or answering when I call you. It's definitely a little lonely in a new place before you really make good friends.
• My neighbors. We had no idea when we moved into our old house that we would make such strong bonds with the neighbors. My next door neighbors are like surrogate grandparents to our kids, and were two of my best friends. I could run next door for any reason, any time. I enjoyed their company and loved just knowing they were right there if I needed them. I've talked to them on the phone a few times since we moved and will continue to do so. I love them! There are other wonderful people in our old neighborhood whom we miss terribly. Luckily for us, they're watching over our still-not-sold house as it sits there empty.
• My old house. Just kidding! Maybe it's because we still own it and are still paying the mortgage and power and water! I got a little emotional when I drove away from it at 2 am after cleaning for hours and hours and trying to cram the last little items into John's truck! I will always love the memories we made in that house. But it's just a house, and we brought our memory-makers with us. I don't miss the icky, icky basement or the feeling of being on top of each other. I'll probably have a harder time once we actually sell the place, if we ever do!

Here are some pictures, just for fun. :)

The view from the back of our house, scanning left to right:

 Our family room and the only new furniture we'll have for quite a while ;)

 The kitchen, in all of its oak glory:

Except with these stools (oops, they're new, too):

Hallway:

Basement family room:

The big red slide downtown:

Zach loves the new kitty:

Ta ta for now! :)

I'm sitting in my bed, holding a bunch just like this, given to me by my sweet little six-year-old. He's watched me stop on our way to school to bury my nose in these beautiful lilacs and inhale deeply. He knows how much I love them, so he wanted to bring some to me as he headed home from the park with his dad. John took the kids to play for a while, both to spend some time with them, and to give me a much needed break.

It's been a horendous week. It's only Wednesday, and I can really say that it's been awful. I spent the time while the kids were gone in the tub. It was peaceful and wonderful, and I knew it was coming to an end. So I got out and opened the bathroom door, and was smacked in the face with reality. It's still light outside. Meaning the kids aren't in bed yet, so that battle is still to be fought. The house is such a mess that I want to close my eyes and pretend it's not real. I get dressed and sit in bed. And I contemplate, seriously, running away. I could run away from it all. Clearly I'm not cut out for this, and they would all be better off with someone who can handle it all.

My thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening and my bedroom door handle being jostled from the outside. In runs Carter, yelling, "I have a surprise for you." The look on his face as he pulls the lilac blossoms from behind his back is priceless. I smile and thank him, and kiss him on the cheek. Then I listen as he runs to tell the rest of them that I loved them and gave him a kiss.

And then I sit, smelling the lilacs and sobbing.

Dream Home #2

When I was watching my dream house (you know, the one that sold before we could make an offer?), hoping & and praying that it wouldn't sell, I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, it would work out - that we would find something even better suited to our family. And then the news came that someone bought my house. And I had a harder time convincing myself that we really would find something better. It seemed like we would find a house that was second best and convince ourselves that we love it.

Well my mom & I flew to Spokane Saturday morning and spent two days looking at houses. I think we saw 16 homes. My hopes were pretty high. After all, I'm shopping for bigger & nicer houses than I was last time around. But house shopping is house shopping, and we couldn't believe some of the things we saw. Apparently there are a lot of people on south hill in Spokane who think their houses are worth a ton because of location, and have completely missed the styles changing over the past 20 years. Oh, and the most expensive house we saw on Saturday was in such a state of chaos that we could have vomited! (This one was on High Dr., Spokane gals.) Not a single bed was made, the counters were piled with dishes caked with stuck-on food. Cabinet doors were hanging open with their contents spilling out. And the basement was a cat-odor nightmare. There was even a plate of dried up chow mein (I think?) on the floor in the middle of the room, I'm assuming for the cats. I could have overlooked the mess if the house had been what I wanted, but it wasn't, so it makes for a good story.

We saw one home Saturday and one Sunday that were gorgeous. The walls were all painted in the perfect colors, the floorplans were new and open, the kitchens beautiful, and every fixture in the house new. One even had 1.8 acres and a gorgeous view of the prairie. But the house that felt the best to me was the one we've been eyeing for quite a while online. It's on 5 acres, already set up for horses with fencing and a small stable. (Not that we'll have horses, but I like having the option.) It's not on our road, but it's on the road that we made an extension of our running route when we trained for the Bloomsday race. (Ben Burr, in case you're wondering.) And while it's on the prairie with stunning views, it's right around the corner from the elementary school and the grocery store. We knew the home was dated from the pictures, but it took being inside to realize that it needs a major overhaul. The carpets are in good shape, but uglier than ugly, and they probably had to clear an entire forest for the oak in the house. A lot of that can be fixed with paint, but the kitchen is bad enough to need a remodel. (Darn it, I'll have to design my dream kitchen!) So at the risk of making you think I've lost my mind, here are some pictures:

front of the house

back of the house

foyer
(open doors on the left lead to the master,
the opening you can barely see on the right is the formal LR)

formal dining room
(door on the right is the front door)

formal living room
(window looks out on back yard)

kitchen
(window looks out to back yard)

informal dining & family room
(windows on left look over back yard,
kitchen is behind the photographer)

looking from family room through to kitchen

master bedroom
(doors go to backyard, bathroom & closets are to the left)

master bath
(windows look to the backyard)

looking down the driveway to the street

I know it's impossible to really picture it all, but that gives you an idea. I'm going to make the formal dining area into a living room and make the formal living room John's office. It has french doors and built-in cabinets, so it's perfect. There are 3 bedrooms & 2 baths on the 3rd floor, a guest bedroom with attached bathroom on the main level, and another bedroom downstairs for Tanner. There's a workout room downstairs, and room for a ping pong table and pool table or something else, a full family room, and mini kitchen. This house gives us the space for all of our kids and their friends, even when they're teenagers. And the land gives them room to run and be free. It just feels like us.

We placed an offer last night, and I'll be on pins and needles all day. So since I can't stop thinking about it for a minute, I figured I'd share. :)

For My Valentine

In June, my hubby and I celebrated 10 years of being married to each other. We've actually known each other for much longer than 10 years. When I met him, he looked like this:

(Yes, he's going to kill me for posting that picture.) We were babies. We popped in and out of each other's lives for years. Then in 1998 we got smart enough to realize we should be together. John got his MBA and decided he wanted to go to medical school before we were even married. I took pre-vet classes while he went back and took pre-med classes. (And he got another Master's degree. Show off!) In 2001 we tied the knot,

 toured Europe with my dad,

 and John started medical school. I decided to change my major to piano, and John got to listen to me pound on the keys for hours a day while he studied. Together we lived through OB, surgery, and medicine rotations, to name the harder ones. He came to my jury performances and I cheered him on as he took test, after test, after test, after test. We flew across the country together so that he could interview for residency programs. We agonized for hours at a time as we decided how to rank our choices of residencies. We celebrated together when he got his first choice, and took off together to live in Spokane for a year.

That year of internship was filled with nights of working late, far too many overnight call shifts, and plenty of stress. And then we came back to Salt Lake for 4 more years of residency. More studying and all of the steps of the boards passed - physics, written, and oral. (My hubby is one hard worker and amazingly intelligent!) John decided what he wanted to specialize in and did everything right so that we could stay here for another year for fellowship. For 4 years now, he's been getting up extra early most days of the week to work at the methadone clinic downtown before going to work. And for a couple of years he's taken his vacation time to cover for a doc in Roosevelt so we could have some extra cash.

Through all of this, we've seen more than 4 pregnancies come and go. :(  We've delivered 4 beautiful babies together. We went from having visitation of Tanner to welcoming him into our home full time. We've lived through the sleepless nights and the incomparable fun of having babies. We've cleaned poop off of things we never imagined would ever have poop on them. We've watched babies learn to walk, and loved listening to them learn to talk. We've seen things we love get destroyed by our little monsters. We've watched them fight and play and love each other.  We've spent Saturday nights with our best friends, watching our kids grow up together. We've seen every kid show there is.We've lived an incredible life so far!

We're about to begin a new adventure together as a family. Fellowship is almost over - I can hardly believe it! We're headed back to Spokane, a place we fell in love with together. We're shopping for our dream home and planning incredible things to do with our kids. And it's just the beginning of another chapter in our life.

I'm so grateful that I married my best friend. I'm grateful for how hard he works, and for how much he loves me. He tries to make me laugh every day of my life. He's the most amazing father to our kids. He's an amazing guy in general. Happy Valentines Day, Dr. Bell. I love you!

Broken dreams

We're moving to Spokane. At the end of June. Did you know that already? John got a position at a really awesome partnership, and the job starts July 1st. Having lived there for a year for John's internship before residency, we know that city and feel quite at home there, so we're pretty excited. (Not thrilled about leaving our friends and family here, though.) I know which schools are my top choices for the kids, and we've got a few neighborhoods where we'd prefer to live.

Actually, we flew to Spokane in October for the interview and they set us up with a realtor to show us around. We specifically asked her to show us a house we were dying to see. It's on this road:

This is the mailbox belonging to the house next door:

This is down the road less than 1/4 mile and across the street:

And this is what you see when you walk further down the road on the trail we walked/ran over and over when we lived there. (You know? The one I've blogged about over and over, and over and over. Until you're sick of hearing it. That one.)

We weren't sure what to expect when we looked at the house, but I fell in love instantly. Open floor plan, lots of windows and very bright, ranch style so the kitchen and family room walk straight out to the back yard, tons of yard for the kids to play in, fully fenced.....you get the idea. It was my dream home. John liked it too. And once he excepted the job offer, I helped him to fall in love, too. We came up with a plan to build a pool/guest house, and I moved in mentally. I practically have the pictures hung and the clothes put away in the closets. We offered on the home in December, on the advice of our realtor, just hoping to secure it even though we can't close until May 1st at the earliest. Not surprisingly, that was too far off for the seller and they declined our offer. So we've watched the house daily and kept our fingers crossed that it would stay on the market.

And it did! Until yesterday. The new buyers closed on the home yesterday. Someone bought my house. My dream house. I'm shattered.

But I knew there was a good chance this would happen. I knew it was dumb to allow myself to fall so head-over-heels in love. I realized that I might end up right where I am. :(

I'm OK. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity. Now I get to go house shopping. Not that I haven't looked at every single home for sale in Spokane on the internet a million times already. Every.Single.One. But who knows what will come on the market before we move? And there are some other good possibilities. We'll end up in a lovely home and we'll be happy. I just know it.

But I can't say that I won't drive by that house when we get there and think about what might have been...

I think I can, I think I can.....

In high school I played field hockey. We usually ran a few miles before practice, then spent the hours of practice running drills. I played right wing, which meant I spent every game sprinting up and down the side of the field. I was in good shape. Like we all were in high school, right?

After high school, I headed down to BYU, where I lived in the dorms. My roommate was one of my best friends, and we quickly made friends with girls on our floor. We'd all go to the BYU track and run together. We were worried about the "freshman 15." (And for good reason. I definitely gained those 15 pounds in the first year!)

Sometime since then, I decided that I'm not a runner. Partially because I always hated running. And partially, I think, because my husband is a runner. He runs really far, really fast, and who can keep up with that? I started having babies, and walking with the stroller. When we moved to Spokane for a year, I became a hard-core walker, even walking the famous Bloomsday race with the double stroller. I was officially a walker, and swore that I'd never run again.

When we moved back to SL, I tried to keep up the walking. But it was hard. I'd have to drive to get to a decent trail, and my neighborhood is mostly flat streets and really ugly houses. (Really!) Not so fun when I was used to this. I had a few more kids, and pretty much stopped exercising. And for some reason (cue sarcastic voice) I gained more weight than I ever imagined I would. Luckily, I have an awesome friend who's a devoted runner, and who runs Ragnar every year and loves it. Her enthusiasm and repeated attempts to get me to join her team, along with my desperation to get back in shape, convinced me to sign up for her team for the upcoming race in June. Darn you, Becky!

I mapped out 2 different routes that both, coincidentally, came out to 1.3 miles. The first time I ran, my only goal was to do it without stopping. And I did! I was shocked that I could do it, and so excited! That was a few months ago. I've been trying to run or workout on our elliptical machine 2 or 3 times a week since then. I haven't been terribly successful, but I'm trying. This month, I finally dared to try two laps of my route, and I was once again amazed that I could do it without stopping. So my new distance is 2.6 miles, and I'm not going back.

As I ran yesterday, I felt the same disdain for running that I always have. I get so nervous when I'm running, like I felt when I ran track in junior high. I would love to stop at any second and just be done. I can't catch my breath, I feel like it's hard just to pick my feet up for each step. But in my old age and maturity, I'm learning to see running differently. For one thing, I need it. I need to retrain my body to move and be strong. And I'm grateful that I can do it - that I don't have injuries or illness that keep me from being mobile. Most importantly, I see it as a test of will. It's completely mind over body, and I feel like a stronger person for every mile that I push my body to run without giving up. That's the strength that I really need - to know that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

So I now declare myself a runner. I have a lot of learning and growing to do, and I may never say that I love running. But I love the feeling I had when I finished another 2.6-mile run yesterday.  I can do this!