I'm sitting in my bed, holding a bunch just like this, given to me by my sweet little six-year-old. He's watched me stop on our way to school to bury my nose in these beautiful lilacs and inhale deeply. He knows how much I love them, so he wanted to bring some to me as he headed home from the park with his dad. John took the kids to play for a while, both to spend some time with them, and to give me a much needed break.

It's been a horendous week. It's only Wednesday, and I can really say that it's been awful. I spent the time while the kids were gone in the tub. It was peaceful and wonderful, and I knew it was coming to an end. So I got out and opened the bathroom door, and was smacked in the face with reality. It's still light outside. Meaning the kids aren't in bed yet, so that battle is still to be fought. The house is such a mess that I want to close my eyes and pretend it's not real. I get dressed and sit in bed. And I contemplate, seriously, running away. I could run away from it all. Clearly I'm not cut out for this, and they would all be better off with someone who can handle it all.

My thoughts are interrupted by the front door opening and my bedroom door handle being jostled from the outside. In runs Carter, yelling, "I have a surprise for you." The look on his face as he pulls the lilac blossoms from behind his back is priceless. I smile and thank him, and kiss him on the cheek. Then I listen as he runs to tell the rest of them that I loved them and gave him a kiss.

And then I sit, smelling the lilacs and sobbing.

Dream Home #2

When I was watching my dream house (you know, the one that sold before we could make an offer?), hoping & and praying that it wouldn't sell, I kept telling myself that if it was meant to be, it would work out - that we would find something even better suited to our family. And then the news came that someone bought my house. And I had a harder time convincing myself that we really would find something better. It seemed like we would find a house that was second best and convince ourselves that we love it.

Well my mom & I flew to Spokane Saturday morning and spent two days looking at houses. I think we saw 16 homes. My hopes were pretty high. After all, I'm shopping for bigger & nicer houses than I was last time around. But house shopping is house shopping, and we couldn't believe some of the things we saw. Apparently there are a lot of people on south hill in Spokane who think their houses are worth a ton because of location, and have completely missed the styles changing over the past 20 years. Oh, and the most expensive house we saw on Saturday was in such a state of chaos that we could have vomited! (This one was on High Dr., Spokane gals.) Not a single bed was made, the counters were piled with dishes caked with stuck-on food. Cabinet doors were hanging open with their contents spilling out. And the basement was a cat-odor nightmare. There was even a plate of dried up chow mein (I think?) on the floor in the middle of the room, I'm assuming for the cats. I could have overlooked the mess if the house had been what I wanted, but it wasn't, so it makes for a good story.

We saw one home Saturday and one Sunday that were gorgeous. The walls were all painted in the perfect colors, the floorplans were new and open, the kitchens beautiful, and every fixture in the house new. One even had 1.8 acres and a gorgeous view of the prairie. But the house that felt the best to me was the one we've been eyeing for quite a while online. It's on 5 acres, already set up for horses with fencing and a small stable. (Not that we'll have horses, but I like having the option.) It's not on our road, but it's on the road that we made an extension of our running route when we trained for the Bloomsday race. (Ben Burr, in case you're wondering.) And while it's on the prairie with stunning views, it's right around the corner from the elementary school and the grocery store. We knew the home was dated from the pictures, but it took being inside to realize that it needs a major overhaul. The carpets are in good shape, but uglier than ugly, and they probably had to clear an entire forest for the oak in the house. A lot of that can be fixed with paint, but the kitchen is bad enough to need a remodel. (Darn it, I'll have to design my dream kitchen!) So at the risk of making you think I've lost my mind, here are some pictures:

front of the house

back of the house

foyer
(open doors on the left lead to the master,
the opening you can barely see on the right is the formal LR)

formal dining room
(door on the right is the front door)

formal living room
(window looks out on back yard)

kitchen
(window looks out to back yard)

informal dining & family room
(windows on left look over back yard,
kitchen is behind the photographer)

looking from family room through to kitchen

master bedroom
(doors go to backyard, bathroom & closets are to the left)

master bath
(windows look to the backyard)

looking down the driveway to the street

I know it's impossible to really picture it all, but that gives you an idea. I'm going to make the formal dining area into a living room and make the formal living room John's office. It has french doors and built-in cabinets, so it's perfect. There are 3 bedrooms & 2 baths on the 3rd floor, a guest bedroom with attached bathroom on the main level, and another bedroom downstairs for Tanner. There's a workout room downstairs, and room for a ping pong table and pool table or something else, a full family room, and mini kitchen. This house gives us the space for all of our kids and their friends, even when they're teenagers. And the land gives them room to run and be free. It just feels like us.

We placed an offer last night, and I'll be on pins and needles all day. So since I can't stop thinking about it for a minute, I figured I'd share. :)

For My Valentine

In June, my hubby and I celebrated 10 years of being married to each other. We've actually known each other for much longer than 10 years. When I met him, he looked like this:

(Yes, he's going to kill me for posting that picture.) We were babies. We popped in and out of each other's lives for years. Then in 1998 we got smart enough to realize we should be together. John got his MBA and decided he wanted to go to medical school before we were even married. I took pre-vet classes while he went back and took pre-med classes. (And he got another Master's degree. Show off!) In 2001 we tied the knot,

 toured Europe with my dad,

 and John started medical school. I decided to change my major to piano, and John got to listen to me pound on the keys for hours a day while he studied. Together we lived through OB, surgery, and medicine rotations, to name the harder ones. He came to my jury performances and I cheered him on as he took test, after test, after test, after test. We flew across the country together so that he could interview for residency programs. We agonized for hours at a time as we decided how to rank our choices of residencies. We celebrated together when he got his first choice, and took off together to live in Spokane for a year.

That year of internship was filled with nights of working late, far too many overnight call shifts, and plenty of stress. And then we came back to Salt Lake for 4 more years of residency. More studying and all of the steps of the boards passed - physics, written, and oral. (My hubby is one hard worker and amazingly intelligent!) John decided what he wanted to specialize in and did everything right so that we could stay here for another year for fellowship. For 4 years now, he's been getting up extra early most days of the week to work at the methadone clinic downtown before going to work. And for a couple of years he's taken his vacation time to cover for a doc in Roosevelt so we could have some extra cash.

Through all of this, we've seen more than 4 pregnancies come and go. :(  We've delivered 4 beautiful babies together. We went from having visitation of Tanner to welcoming him into our home full time. We've lived through the sleepless nights and the incomparable fun of having babies. We've cleaned poop off of things we never imagined would ever have poop on them. We've watched babies learn to walk, and loved listening to them learn to talk. We've seen things we love get destroyed by our little monsters. We've watched them fight and play and love each other.  We've spent Saturday nights with our best friends, watching our kids grow up together. We've seen every kid show there is.We've lived an incredible life so far!

We're about to begin a new adventure together as a family. Fellowship is almost over - I can hardly believe it! We're headed back to Spokane, a place we fell in love with together. We're shopping for our dream home and planning incredible things to do with our kids. And it's just the beginning of another chapter in our life.

I'm so grateful that I married my best friend. I'm grateful for how hard he works, and for how much he loves me. He tries to make me laugh every day of my life. He's the most amazing father to our kids. He's an amazing guy in general. Happy Valentines Day, Dr. Bell. I love you!

Broken dreams

We're moving to Spokane. At the end of June. Did you know that already? John got a position at a really awesome partnership, and the job starts July 1st. Having lived there for a year for John's internship before residency, we know that city and feel quite at home there, so we're pretty excited. (Not thrilled about leaving our friends and family here, though.) I know which schools are my top choices for the kids, and we've got a few neighborhoods where we'd prefer to live.

Actually, we flew to Spokane in October for the interview and they set us up with a realtor to show us around. We specifically asked her to show us a house we were dying to see. It's on this road:

This is the mailbox belonging to the house next door:

This is down the road less than 1/4 mile and across the street:

And this is what you see when you walk further down the road on the trail we walked/ran over and over when we lived there. (You know? The one I've blogged about over and over, and over and over. Until you're sick of hearing it. That one.)

We weren't sure what to expect when we looked at the house, but I fell in love instantly. Open floor plan, lots of windows and very bright, ranch style so the kitchen and family room walk straight out to the back yard, tons of yard for the kids to play in, fully fenced.....you get the idea. It was my dream home. John liked it too. And once he excepted the job offer, I helped him to fall in love, too. We came up with a plan to build a pool/guest house, and I moved in mentally. I practically have the pictures hung and the clothes put away in the closets. We offered on the home in December, on the advice of our realtor, just hoping to secure it even though we can't close until May 1st at the earliest. Not surprisingly, that was too far off for the seller and they declined our offer. So we've watched the house daily and kept our fingers crossed that it would stay on the market.

And it did! Until yesterday. The new buyers closed on the home yesterday. Someone bought my house. My dream house. I'm shattered.

But I knew there was a good chance this would happen. I knew it was dumb to allow myself to fall so head-over-heels in love. I realized that I might end up right where I am. :(

I'm OK. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity. Now I get to go house shopping. Not that I haven't looked at every single home for sale in Spokane on the internet a million times already. Every.Single.One. But who knows what will come on the market before we move? And there are some other good possibilities. We'll end up in a lovely home and we'll be happy. I just know it.

But I can't say that I won't drive by that house when we get there and think about what might have been...

I think I can, I think I can.....

In high school I played field hockey. We usually ran a few miles before practice, then spent the hours of practice running drills. I played right wing, which meant I spent every game sprinting up and down the side of the field. I was in good shape. Like we all were in high school, right?

After high school, I headed down to BYU, where I lived in the dorms. My roommate was one of my best friends, and we quickly made friends with girls on our floor. We'd all go to the BYU track and run together. We were worried about the "freshman 15." (And for good reason. I definitely gained those 15 pounds in the first year!)

Sometime since then, I decided that I'm not a runner. Partially because I always hated running. And partially, I think, because my husband is a runner. He runs really far, really fast, and who can keep up with that? I started having babies, and walking with the stroller. When we moved to Spokane for a year, I became a hard-core walker, even walking the famous Bloomsday race with the double stroller. I was officially a walker, and swore that I'd never run again.

When we moved back to SL, I tried to keep up the walking. But it was hard. I'd have to drive to get to a decent trail, and my neighborhood is mostly flat streets and really ugly houses. (Really!) Not so fun when I was used to this. I had a few more kids, and pretty much stopped exercising. And for some reason (cue sarcastic voice) I gained more weight than I ever imagined I would. Luckily, I have an awesome friend who's a devoted runner, and who runs Ragnar every year and loves it. Her enthusiasm and repeated attempts to get me to join her team, along with my desperation to get back in shape, convinced me to sign up for her team for the upcoming race in June. Darn you, Becky!

I mapped out 2 different routes that both, coincidentally, came out to 1.3 miles. The first time I ran, my only goal was to do it without stopping. And I did! I was shocked that I could do it, and so excited! That was a few months ago. I've been trying to run or workout on our elliptical machine 2 or 3 times a week since then. I haven't been terribly successful, but I'm trying. This month, I finally dared to try two laps of my route, and I was once again amazed that I could do it without stopping. So my new distance is 2.6 miles, and I'm not going back.

As I ran yesterday, I felt the same disdain for running that I always have. I get so nervous when I'm running, like I felt when I ran track in junior high. I would love to stop at any second and just be done. I can't catch my breath, I feel like it's hard just to pick my feet up for each step. But in my old age and maturity, I'm learning to see running differently. For one thing, I need it. I need to retrain my body to move and be strong. And I'm grateful that I can do it - that I don't have injuries or illness that keep me from being mobile. Most importantly, I see it as a test of will. It's completely mind over body, and I feel like a stronger person for every mile that I push my body to run without giving up. That's the strength that I really need - to know that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

So I now declare myself a runner. I have a lot of learning and growing to do, and I may never say that I love running. But I love the feeling I had when I finished another 2.6-mile run yesterday.  I can do this!

Gratitude #1

I've been enjoying reading on Facebook and blogs about all the things my friends are grateful for. It wouldn't be right for me to remain silent, when I've been blessed with so much. I chose today to start because I'm having a particularly difficult time feeling good about things. My two youngest have been sick for a few days now with a croupy cough and high fevers. On Monday night it hit me, too, and the past 2 days have not been very fun. So in an attempt to quit feeling sorry for myself, here's a list of things I'm thankful for right now:

• My husband, who came home to a disaster last night and immediately took over caring for the babies so that I could drag my sick body and the big kids to karate. He somehow managed to clean the kitchen while I was gone, and it has made all the difference today!
  
• The break we've had from sickness in our house for quite a while. The big kids have been battling colds for the last 2 weeks, but nothing major. We haven't had a huge family illness for what seems like months. I have to be grateful for that!
• A sister who will let me whine to her on the phone about how hard it is to be a sick mom with sick kids! Poor me, right? Thanks, Cassie. :)
• The cute things kids say. Last night it was all I could manage to strap the kids into car seats and go get tacos for dinner. As we walked into the house with our bags of fast food, Aidan said to me, "Mom, you're good at getting tacos!" And he gave me a big hug. My heart broke for how sweet he is and how uplifting that should be, and for what a lame mom I am. We've been eating out way too much recently.
• And for this: This not-so-great picture was taken on my phone in the dark. My poor sad babies have finally gone down for naps (fingers crossed that they'll stay asleep!) and I'm going to attempt to shower so I can be presentable at parent-teacher conferences today. Hurray for showers!
  

Monday Night Musings

• Wow! More than 2 months since my last post! I'm hoping that school starting and getting back into a routine will mean more blogging. Hoping.
• Speaking of school, I'm a little nervous for the kids to go back. (This year I'll have one in high school (seriously, high school!!!), one in 2nd grade, one in kindergarten, and one in preschool - I haven't decided if I'm doing preschool myself or sending the crazy one to someone else.) I set unreasonably high expectations for myself, and the return to routine makes me think I should suddenly be able to move mountains on a daily basis. I need to cut myself some slack. We'll see about that...
• I love Kohl's a little more each year. Last year my 30% off coupon came at back-to-school time and saved me big bucks on junior high wear. Today I realized that my 20% expired yesterday, and my new 20% starts Wednesday. I planned to wait until Wed until I realized that Kohl's cash ends tomorrow. So I was bold enough to go in and ask if they'd let me use one today, and the cashier said yes. She had no idea what she was getting herself into! I came back in with 6 kids (my soon-to-be-high-schooler needed his best friend, AKA wardrobe consultant, with him) and returned to her 2 hours later - yes TWO HOURS later - with enough clothes to earn me $100 in Kohl's cash. Please don't do the math or you'll most likely vomit. Needless to say, it was worth asking to use the coupon today!
• Two hours in a department store with an 18-month-old and an almost-3-year-old is enough to make a mom lose her mind. However, watching the other kids bask in new clothes bliss almost makes up for it. The oldest is trying to change his look for high school, and is putting way more thought into it than I ever realized boys do. It's fun to watch him stress out over it. And it's even more fun to watch the middle kids change outfits and run around in new shoes with new backpacks on.
• I'm a better mom to babies than to older kids. I remember Amy saying one time on her blog that she can do babies. And I agree. Bottles, diapers, even teething, are pretty straight forward. Trying to comfort a screaming baby can be frustrating, but a lot of things can be fixed with snuggles and hugs and kisses. I thrive on that physical closeness. But snuggling doesn't fix the problems between parents and older kids. The last two weeks have brought pretty big confrontations with my two oldest, and I don't feel like I know how to handle it. In the end, I stood my ground and tried to be reasonable but firm, and things calmed back down. But I was a wreck emotionally. Will I ever learn to deal with the turmoil of older kids without letting it ruin me inside? I sure hope so.
• I am blessed to have three sisters, and I adore each of them. I got to spend time, as much as we could fit in, with my sister Stephanie this summer while she was here for her husband's summer internship. They've been living in Florida for a year now, and the distance seems impossible. I was so excited to have her back, and we made some wonderful memories while she was here. And right as Steph was leaving, my youngest sister Cassie drove here from Iowa. She saved my life by staying with me for five days while my hubby was out of town. We had a blast, and she helped me start some projects I may never have started without her. She's a sweetheart! And then there's my sister Julie, who recently helped me to organize 2 cupboards in the kitchen that were disastrous, and my sewing stuff in the basement. I'd show you before and after pictures, but you would die if you saw the mess I've been living with!
• Little Caesar's is way cooler than I ever thought. The cashier today gave us little bags of cookies, which I didn't even know they had, for each of my 5 kids, and then took the time to blow up balloons for them. The little ones were tickled, and my oldest and his friend shared the helium in one of them to make funny voices on the way home. I'm probably a bad mom for letting my kids inhale helium, but I purposely didn't ask for 6 balloons because I knew that's what they'd do with theirs. I figured half a balloon each wouldn't hurt my conscience as much as a full one. I know - I'm weird.
• I'm starting to realize that life would be easier if I would just slow down. I could keep things cleaner if I'd slow down and finish each task before moving on to the next. And I wouldn't feel so frazzled all the time. But it's really hard with 5 kids, each of them pulling me in a different direction at any given moment. And I always have a million things I want to get done. I think with the return to school and routine, I'll make slowing down my focus for a while and see if I can make it stick. Wish me luck.