Actually, I'm not sure that I remember me. In my last post I alluded to the postpartum depression I've been dealing with. Well, I'm sure you're dying to hear more about it, because really, don't we look to our friends' blogs to bring us down? Unfortunately, I don't have much else on my mind lately. Sorry.
This isn't my first experience with depression. I had a pretty big battle with it in college, and then again after my 4-year-old was born. Every time I have a child, I worry and watch for the signs and try to be pro-active so that maybe I can keep it from happening. This time, however, I could tell by my 6-week postpartum check-up that things weren't going so well.
Fortunately for you, my goal is not to give you the details of my struggle. Instead, I want to open up a discussion about guilt. I have always been prone to feelings of guilt, often without justification. I feel guilty about things that aren't even my fault. Now, for the last 4 months I've felt guilty about being depressed.
When I was a junior in high school, we moved to Utah halfway through the school year and I got to switch from early morning seminary (where we went to someones house at 6:30 am every school day to learn about our religion and study the scriptures) to release-time seminary. That meant I got to walk across the street from the school during one of my regular class periods for seminary. Yeah! I had a very charismatic and fun teacher - he kind of reminded me of Drew Carey. Although I know his heart was in the right place, he had an ax to grind, and he let us know. He had a huge issue with depression, especially its prevalence in Utah and among church members. He told us more than once that depression is basically unrighteous. He believed that if you understand the gospel and if you are righteous, and if you look to Christ for help, you cannot be depressed.
So if you combine his teachings, which I took with a grain of salt at the time and still don't really believe, with my tendency to feel guilty about anything and everything, you get my new problem: I feel incredibly guilty about being depressed.
Here are the facts: I have an amazing life. My husband is my best friend and the most supportive man and wonderful father. I love my children more than words can say and I am blessed to be able to be home with them to raise them. We have enough money to put food on the table and buy more than just what we absolutely need - just look at my closet full of cute shoes and my brand new minivan. I have in-laws and parents who are helpful and loving, and real, true friends who care about me, including my sisters, who are always there for me. So what do I have to be unhappy about? Nothing! And it does feel selfish and unappreciative that I'm unable to pull myself out of this.
So let's discuss: do you find yourself feeling guilty for things that you know deep down are out of your control, and if so, how do you stop feeling that way?
*Disclaimer*
I'm working with my doctor to deal with my depression, and I'm having more and more days where I feel like I'm going to kick this. And I really hate to come across as whining about my life. At the same time, I want to break my silence and share with my friends just a little of what I've been going through. Thanks for listening.
The materials and know-how were a birthday present from my sweet sister, Stephanie. She found the tutorial on homemadebyjill, one of my new favorite blogs. (Seriously, you should check it out!)
Once again, I copied Stephanie. She bought the pattern and made herself a purse, and I was so in love that I made myself one, and even used fabric from the same Moda line that she used. I know, what a copy cat, right? This project was more challenging and took much longer than the tote, which is super quick, but it was totally worth it. I LOVE taking my purse everywhere with me, and it even holds diapers and its coordinating wipe wallet (I know, I'm a nerd).
I didn't do a good job of showing it, but the lining of the tote is the same polka dot fabric as the zipper panel on the purse.
