Actually, I'm not sure that I remember me. In my last post I alluded to the postpartum depression I've been dealing with. Well, I'm sure you're dying to hear more about it, because really, don't we look to our friends' blogs to bring us down? Unfortunately, I don't have much else on my mind lately. Sorry.
This isn't my first experience with depression. I had a pretty big battle with it in college, and then again after my 4-year-old was born. Every time I have a child, I worry and watch for the signs and try to be pro-active so that maybe I can keep it from happening. This time, however, I could tell by my 6-week postpartum check-up that things weren't going so well.
Fortunately for you, my goal is not to give you the details of my struggle. Instead, I want to open up a discussion about guilt. I have always been prone to feelings of guilt, often without justification. I feel guilty about things that aren't even my fault. Now, for the last 4 months I've felt guilty about being depressed.
When I was a junior in high school, we moved to Utah halfway through the school year and I got to switch from early morning seminary (where we went to someones house at 6:30 am every school day to learn about our religion and study the scriptures) to release-time seminary. That meant I got to walk across the street from the school during one of my regular class periods for seminary. Yeah! I had a very charismatic and fun teacher - he kind of reminded me of Drew Carey. Although I know his heart was in the right place, he had an ax to grind, and he let us know. He had a huge issue with depression, especially its prevalence in Utah and among church members. He told us more than once that depression is basically unrighteous. He believed that if you understand the gospel and if you are righteous, and if you look to Christ for help, you cannot be depressed.
So if you combine his teachings, which I took with a grain of salt at the time and still don't really believe, with my tendency to feel guilty about anything and everything, you get my new problem: I feel incredibly guilty about being depressed.
Here are the facts: I have an amazing life. My husband is my best friend and the most supportive man and wonderful father. I love my children more than words can say and I am blessed to be able to be home with them to raise them. We have enough money to put food on the table and buy more than just what we absolutely need - just look at my closet full of cute shoes and my brand new minivan. I have in-laws and parents who are helpful and loving, and real, true friends who care about me, including my sisters, who are always there for me. So what do I have to be unhappy about? Nothing! And it does feel selfish and unappreciative that I'm unable to pull myself out of this.
So let's discuss: do you find yourself feeling guilty for things that you know deep down are out of your control, and if so, how do you stop feeling that way?
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9 comments:
You are such a great mom! I wish I would have known more about this earlier and been a better friend but somehow I missed your Mother's Day post. There, I feel guilty about that. I can't wait to hang out soon and we'll find a way to cheer you up. Hang in there you will kick it. Life gets so hairy at times but then suddenly the tides change and they always do then we come out a stronger person in the end. Love ya!
OK, I think that seminary teacher is an idiot. That is like saying that if you have enough faith and belief then you cannot get cancer or Alzheimer's or the freaking stomach flu. I went through my own dark bouts...it really isn't a matter of your life circumstances, or even your spirituality. It is a thing you deal with. Therapy and meds and prayer and exercise and whatever else it takes...faith isn't the only thing you need. I'm glad you are dealing it with it. HANG IN THERE!!! Eventually things will feel better somehow.
Me and guilt are really, really good friends. So I understand that you would feel that way. My tendency to tell you that you don't have to feel guilty over your depression is tempered by my understanding that I would feel the same way. Just know that you are loved by so many people (me included!!) Seriously, you are one of my very dearest and bestest friends. Thanks for giving us a window into your world. Hang in there!
(And I agree with Amy: your seminary teacher was an idiot. Idiot!!)
Yeah, that guy was definitely misguided.
My two best buds here in CO take meds for anxiety and/or depression, and they're very open about it. I struggle with it off and on. I had horrible postpartum depression after my two babies were born, but luckily it went away within a couple months. It's definitely nothing to feel guilty about, but it's no help for me to say, "Stop feeling guilty." Sorry, I don't really have any tips on getting rid of guilt.
Endorphins help me a lot! It's hard to get motivated to exercise when you feel crappy, but I believe strongly in taking advantage of those brain chemicals!
I'm glad you're having more days where you feel better. You WILL get through this. And you're not selfish--you would never choose to feel this way!
I'm so glad that you're sharing your feelings, Melanie. I think you need to do that! You do have a lot of people who love you and want to support and help you (including me!!!) Sometimes (most of the time) I don't know how to help. But I do want to understand--so thanks for trying to help me with that. I've had baby blues, but I've never experienced full blown postpartum depression, so it is so hard to know what you are really dealing with. All I know is that when I feel depressed, it's the most awful feeling in the world and life loses its charm and excitement. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this for so many months now!
I don't know what to say about the guilt thing. I've always attributed your tendency towards guilt to you being a far more charitable, caring person than I have ever been! I think the pendulum swings too far in the other direction on my side. I'm way too eager to meet my own needs and justify my selfishness. I look to you as an example--but I do think you can toss the unneeded guilt away. Even though I so don't agree with everything that Dr. Laura says, she does make sense when it comes to the topic of guilt. She says that guilt is an appropriate feeling when you have truly done something wrong. In those circumstances, guilt will lead a person to hopefully make amends and make better choices in the future. In the case of depression, YOU are not doing anything wrong. Your body isn't functioning entirely the way it needs to and you are suffering because of it. There is no need to feel guilt--especially since you know it will just drag you down more! (And no feeling guilty about feeling guilty!!!!) Yeah, I know. Easier said than done. Perhaps just choosing one pro-active thing to do each day and ignoring the guilt will help. Kind of like positive reinforcement with our children. Reward your good feelings! Every time you catch yourself thinking: "Wow--I made an awesome dinner tonight!" or "Holy Cow! My kids and I are all dressed and tidy looking at the same time!", let yourself dwell on that positive thought. Let yourself see how much good you really do every day--even if it's just small things. I know you've been working on positive thoughts (we ALL have to do that!) so I'm sure this is nothing new. I just want you to feel better. But even if you don't, please continue to share your feelings!!! I love you, Mel!
I just have to tell you something funny! I've made a lot of overly-long comments in my blogging career, but never before has Google told me that my comment was too long. Until this time. I'm actually surprised my comment got published! I thought I'd have to re-think and re-type the whole thing. I'm sorry I'm so long-winded today!
My opinion, your seminary teacher was a whacko. If you have a broken leg, you don't walk around praying that it will get better. You go to a doctor and get a cast. Depression is a mental illness just like a broken leg is an orthopedic injury. Of course, we we look to Christ in order to heal all of our wounds, sickness, heartache, and tribulation; however, he expects us to use all of the resources available to us in order to help ourselves. I hope you can let go of that false doctrine and move forward with your healing.
I think guilt is something all women deal with. I don't know one woman who doesn't blame herself for something totally out of her control. It helps us see and repent of the things we need to, but it can drag us down if we're not careful. I always try to remember that a loving Father in Heaven doesn't want me to feel sad and guilty all of the time. He wants me to learn, grow and change into the daughter he knows I can become. Hope helps me do that. I hope I can do his will and find happiness in this world and the life to come!
Love you to death Mels! Hang in there girl and know that I'm praying for you : D
I'm so sorry about all you've been going through. I think it's incredibly brave to be open about it, and you are somehow able to do it in a sincere but non-whiny way. I think that's healthy. The fact that you are able to see all the wonderful things in your life is really good. I know it's somehow making you feel guilty but really a lot of people can't see any of their blessings when they are down. So I think you should give yourself credit for that, and realize that the depression is not related to all the blessings you have of to you not recognizing them (since you do), but it's a completely diiferent issue. I doubt I'm mkaking sense. I feel guilty all the time about stupid stuff, like not making a good dinner or about having a disorganized closet. How ridiculous is that? Steph is right about how guilt is only for really wrong things. Yeah I could be more organized or cook better meals and keep my house in better order. But it's not sinning to struggle with those areas. So I shouldn't feel guilty. We as women go through so much all at once- pregnancy, childbirth, pospartum, nursing, no sleep, all these emotions. It's so unfair we have to deal with guilt too! I read lots of girls' blogs in my ward who talk about feeling guilt. One girl just had her 6th kid and talked about how guilty she felt that he wasn't read to as much as her other kids. I'm sure she's doing her best. Obviously number 6 won't get that same time no. 1 got. I feel guilty sometimes that Evan plays by himself a lot. I should play with him more..It's so sad that we feel guilt. I wish I had an answer. I know that you are doing your best. I really look up to you for everything you do. You are always helping other people and sewing beautiful gifts for people (I felt guilty for the time my wipe wallet failed and I had to run grab a baby gift from Dollar General- how pathetic!). You're always helping others. I love you!
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