Mondays

Do you know how much surface area a gallon of milk covers? Well trust me when I tell you that you don't want to know. I thought I was getting ahead by running to the grocery store right before dinner time, especially since I only had one kiddo with me. The shopping went well -- five-year-olds can be really helpful when they're with mom one on one. And I was getting everything I need for this week's menu. Yay! Except five-year-olds are also prone to clumsiness. Hence, the gallon of milk that slipped out of Carter's hands and immediately burst open when it hit the ground. Let's just say that the spill extended past the gum and candy bars to the beginning of the checkstand, and was starting to drown me where I stood, next to the counter, trying to quickly unload the cart so we could get it out of the way. The clerks were sweet and helpful, and even got me a new milk to replace the one covering the floor. I was oh so apologetic and felt bad about all the trouble. And really, that's all I needed to cap off my Monday.

Here's to hoping tomorrow goes better........

Hello....again. Hello.

(Can you hear Neil Diamond singing that phrase? And the whole rest of the song? Keep it playing in your mind....)

Three years ago I wrote this post about clawing my way back up after a particularly difficult winter. I'm feeling much now like I did then - like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like maybe I can start to handle my life again. Except this time I've been hiding away, buried in the depths, for a year or maybe 13 months. I had Zach a little over 13 months ago, and I could tell within a few weeks of having him that I was not coming out of the normal baby blues and hormonal chaos of having a baby in a reasonable amount of time.

Things changed drastically when Zach was born. There's the whole going from 4 kids to 5 thing, and having two boys only 16 months apart. I went from very little sleep (the 16-month-old has never really slept through the night) to almost no sleep at all. And I became somewhat of a hermit. I quit doing my preschool music group, which was a good decision because I could not have handled it! And I stopped going to story time at the library, or the library at all for that matter. I did take one trip with the kids to the library shortly after Zach was born. I had the baby in the Moby wrap, and Aidan decided to flip out. It was a terrible experience, and I haven't entered a library with my children since. Before Zach, I felt like I ran from one place to the next constantly. We always had something to do and somewhere to be. After Zach, everything seemed too difficult. I planned to start going to my friends' preschool music classes and enjoy someone else doing all of the planning and organizing while I simply attended to my kids. Yet I haven't made it to a single one. Turns out there's no "simply attending to" energetic boys ages 1, 2, and 5. I've stopped almost completely doing the things that I enjoy. I rarely, if ever, play the piano. I don't sew nearly as often as I'd like. I don't read at all. And obviously, I haven't been blogging.

There have been times I've just wanted to scream out loud, "Please help me! I can't handle this!" But most of the time I prefer to remain silent, to smile and say I'm well when people ask me at church. I know I've mentioned a couple times on my blog that I'm struggling, but it really seems whiny. After all, what can anyone else do for me anyway? I don't even know what to do for myself!

I've tried a couple of medications and I think I've finally found one that's working for me. I also added counseling a few months ago, which is probably the most helpful thing. And I finally feel like I'm turning a corner. Things that seemed nearly impossible to me a few months ago (like keeping my kitchen clean for longer than 5 minutes) seem much more do-able now. I even read an entire book in January, and I'm working on finishing another.

So I'm slowly working my way back into life. I started a baby blanket today - one of my favorite activities! And here I am.......blogging! Wow, I've missed this. Of course, don't expect too much too soon. I still have catastrophes like this to deal with every ten minutes or so, so I'll be kind of busy for a while:

Zach is quite proud of himself for climbing into the toilet. I'm hoping taking pictures and laughing my head off won't reinforce the behavior!