Hello....again. Hello.

(Can you hear Neil Diamond singing that phrase? And the whole rest of the song? Keep it playing in your mind....)

Three years ago I wrote this post about clawing my way back up after a particularly difficult winter. I'm feeling much now like I did then - like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like maybe I can start to handle my life again. Except this time I've been hiding away, buried in the depths, for a year or maybe 13 months. I had Zach a little over 13 months ago, and I could tell within a few weeks of having him that I was not coming out of the normal baby blues and hormonal chaos of having a baby in a reasonable amount of time.

Things changed drastically when Zach was born. There's the whole going from 4 kids to 5 thing, and having two boys only 16 months apart. I went from very little sleep (the 16-month-old has never really slept through the night) to almost no sleep at all. And I became somewhat of a hermit. I quit doing my preschool music group, which was a good decision because I could not have handled it! And I stopped going to story time at the library, or the library at all for that matter. I did take one trip with the kids to the library shortly after Zach was born. I had the baby in the Moby wrap, and Aidan decided to flip out. It was a terrible experience, and I haven't entered a library with my children since. Before Zach, I felt like I ran from one place to the next constantly. We always had something to do and somewhere to be. After Zach, everything seemed too difficult. I planned to start going to my friends' preschool music classes and enjoy someone else doing all of the planning and organizing while I simply attended to my kids. Yet I haven't made it to a single one. Turns out there's no "simply attending to" energetic boys ages 1, 2, and 5. I've stopped almost completely doing the things that I enjoy. I rarely, if ever, play the piano. I don't sew nearly as often as I'd like. I don't read at all. And obviously, I haven't been blogging.

There have been times I've just wanted to scream out loud, "Please help me! I can't handle this!" But most of the time I prefer to remain silent, to smile and say I'm well when people ask me at church. I know I've mentioned a couple times on my blog that I'm struggling, but it really seems whiny. After all, what can anyone else do for me anyway? I don't even know what to do for myself!

I've tried a couple of medications and I think I've finally found one that's working for me. I also added counseling a few months ago, which is probably the most helpful thing. And I finally feel like I'm turning a corner. Things that seemed nearly impossible to me a few months ago (like keeping my kitchen clean for longer than 5 minutes) seem much more do-able now. I even read an entire book in January, and I'm working on finishing another.

So I'm slowly working my way back into life. I started a baby blanket today - one of my favorite activities! And here I am.......blogging! Wow, I've missed this. Of course, don't expect too much too soon. I still have catastrophes like this to deal with every ten minutes or so, so I'll be kind of busy for a while:

Zach is quite proud of himself for climbing into the toilet. I'm hoping taking pictures and laughing my head off won't reinforce the behavior!