Checking In

Just thought I'd tell you what I've been up to, since for the most part I've gone missing in my life this past week. We're attempting to turn the world's ugliest bedroom:

into a peaceful escape. I've been planning it and shopping for the last two months, and I'm dying for the room to turn out like the picture in my mind. Hopefully I'll be posting the results soon! In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my kids clothed, fed, and entertained, and keep the house from caving in on itself. For the most part I've failed at the latter, but tonight the kitchen and living room are clean, and I even cooked dinner - I haven't been cooking much this week due to the constant mudding, sanding, mudding, sanding, mudding, priming, painting, etc. My poor garden gets its watering and not much else, so I'm beyond excited to bring in my first load tonight (not counting the peas and chard we've been eating for a while now). It looks like we'll have a bountiful year, despite the fact that my garden looks like a morning glory field. We'll get to weeding next week....My body aches in every way imaginable, but it's doing a better job at distracting me from the nausea than sitting on my rear watching t.v., so I should be grateful. Now it's off to paint all night, in hopes that I can finish so that John can lay the carpet tomorrow. (New carpet - can you believe it?!!! I'm ecstatic!!!)

A change of plans

I was driving home this afternoon from lunch at the park with the kids when I happened to find my favorite music in the whole world on the classical station on satellite radio (one of my new favorite things!). Rachmaninoff's 2nd piano concerto was playing, and the 2nd movement, my favorite of the three, was just barely starting. My first thought was, "Maybe I should take a long route home, because this is going to last longer than our drive home." I did drive straight home, completely immersed in the music. I was playing along - in my head, with my fingers, and in my heart. (It's sappy, but you're just going to have to go with it - or stop reading now. It only gets worse.) I have adored this piece of music since the moment I first heard it, and it instantly became my dream to perform it live with an orchestra some time in my life.

We pulled into the garage halfway through the third movement. Tanner opened the door to get out, then realized that I wasn't budging. He waited a few minutes, but gave up on me and went inside before it was over. (The kid now has ear buds in and his IPod going at all times, so my music doesn't even make his radar - not that he'd care about it anyway.) I was kind of glad that he went inside, because the music builds and builds, and the ending is so dramatic and moving that I had tears in my eyes. (This is not abnormal. John and I went to the symphony with his parents before we were married and saw this piece performed live. I cried practically the whole way through. It's hard to explain my emotional connection to the music, but it's pretty strong. I wanted to be the girl playing the piano so badly I could taste it!) This time the tears served another purpose. It occurred to me that I had given up my dream. I said goodbye to my piano major after Katelyn was born and I was pregnant with Carter, when it became obvious that I couldn't be a mom and finish such an intense major at the same time. It was an extremely difficult decision for me. While I hope to finish my degree when the kids are older, I really feel like the time has passed for me to fulfill that dream. I can't see any opportunities arising for some middle-aged lady to perform with a symphony orchestra, and to choose the music. And I've lost so much of my ability. I know it's my fault to an extent. I should be making it a priority to practice daily. But I couldn't possibly play 4 hours a day like I was back then, so I'm going lose some dexterity regardless. Anyway............

I was sitting in the car, tears in my eyes, the music moving through me as I mourned the loss of a dream. And then it hit me. I didn't lose my dream - I traded it! I always knew that I wanted to be a mom and stay home with my kids. I didn't dream of having children like some people do, but I just kind of knew that that's what I wanted. And obviously it is what I want. I chose to stop going to school, and I've chosen to keep having kids. We have another one on the way, due in January, and I'm not even sure that it'll be our last. So obviously, this is what I want to be doing, right? I'm living my dream!

I couldn't really shake the melancholy feeling I had, even with my realization. I carried it with me all afternoon. I'm still allowed to mourn the loss of a dream, even if I chose to lose it, I think. But I feel very grateful. My husband works so hard so that I can be at home, and he supports me and realizes more every day how important it is to have someone at home full time. It blesses our children's lives and will continue to do so. And I will always feel good about the decision I made to be at home with them, even if it means giving up some things I could have done for myself. And I still can and do bless our lives with my love of music.

How about you? What have you sacrificed, and does it make you sad, or are you at peace?

Happy Father's Day

I'm sure you're all at home today telling your husbands that they're the best fathers ever. Well, sorry girls, but you're wrong, because I married the world's greatest dad. I knew when I married him that he loves kids. But I didn't know just how far he would go to make his children happy, or how much joy he would get out of playing with them. I didn't realize that he would take on a second job and still work extra shifts moonlighting so that he could give us the best of everything. I am blessed to have such a hard-working and loving husband, and my children are blessed to have him for a father. Happy father's day, sweetie. We love you!

This is one of my favorite pictures of my husband being a cute dad. The baby is Katelyn.

On death

Last Tuesday, our family experienced a loss that turned out to be far more tragic than I expected. I found our cat Samantha lying lifeless on the family room floor. I was so completely freaked out that I couldn't even get close enough to touch her. So I watched from around the corner and made sure that I couldn't detect the rise and fall of her breath. When I was sure that she was not alive, I called John. I am so glad that he was working the right rotation and having a slow day, and that he was willing to race home to my rescue. He put our beloved kitty in a box and hid her so that he could go back to work and we could deal with it later.

Katelyn was beside herself when we told her. She cried and cried. She could think of nothing else the rest of the evening, as we waited for everyone to get home so that we could have a funeral. Both Katelyn and Carter were morbidly fascinated with seeing Sammy's body. And here's where I felt completely lost as a parent. How do I teach my children about death and help them to deal with it in a healthy way? What is appropriate and what's not? We had decided to bury Sammy in a remote corner of our yard, and not in a box, so John lifted her into the hole he had dug and the children had the opportunity they so desired to see her one more time. Was that the right thing to do? I'm really not sure. I hope they're not scarred for life by the image of their lifeless cat in a hole in the ground.

We all said something about Sammy and then put dirt on her grave. And this is when it hit Tanner. The timing couldn't have been worse - it was exactly one week before the anniversary of his mother's death. He has been dealing with the resurfacing of his grief since mother's day, and this just brought it all to the forefront again. There was much sobbing as we buried our kitty, and the kids' grief made me more sad than my own grief ever could have.

We were all sad that night, but we were OK. So I was surprised when Katelyn woke up the next morning and started crying almost immediately. In fact, she cried for at least an hour straight. And as soon as I'd get her calmed down, she'd start crying again. We had a lot of talks. I explained over and over about how Sammy's spirit is in heaven, and that it's just her body left here in the hole in our yard. She said a couple of times that she wanted to be dead, too, so that she could be in heaven with Sammy. It just about broke my heart. Carter got pretty sick of the weeping and wailing. He started telling her, "Sammy's dead. You don't want a dead cat!" Obviously, he's not quite grasping the situation. He had some other strange things to say about the whole thing. He's even said when he got mad at our other cat that he wishes it were dead with Sammy. Some issues to sort through eventually, I'm sure...

As Katie's grief subsided, she showed some signs of understanding. One morning at breakfast, she told me, "I think Jesus is making paper balls for Sammy in heaven and throwing them so that she can catch them. I think He's playing with her and taking care of her for us." I thought that was the sweetest thing.

As for Tanner, the one year mark has come and gone. I took the kids to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house on that day, in addition to an extra grief counseling session. It was good to have things to do to keep us busy, and the temple was a positive experience (minus the inevitable meltdown by Carter, which, luckily, didn't happen until the very end). He even talked to me in the car on the way home and I didn't feel like he was trying to pull away or distance himself from me, which I feel quite often. I am still so sad that he had to lose his mother so early in his life. One of my least favorite phrases is, "It's not fair." It's pretty much outlawed in our house. But I find myself thinking all the time that IT'S NOT FAIR! I don't want him to have to hurt. I still wish for his sake that we could turn back time and undo it. But we can't. And now we'll all be dealing with death for the rest of our lives. I guess I'll be figuring it out as we go.

So excited!

It's here - my annual post about how much I love my garden! I felt like summer started the week before Mother's Day, because that's when we got the garden back up and running. John had a free afternoon, and I was surprised to come home from errands and find the neighbor's tiller in our garage. I had decided that as soon as we tilled, I would get started. (Last year we tilled too early and the weeds had completely invaded before I even planted anything, so I started out behind the game.) So as soon as the ground was tilled and raked, I sent John to get a truckload of compost. He unloaded the truck and spread it around, and I ran to the garden shop to get seeds. Here's what I planted: green beans, carrots, peas, beets, onions, chives, spinach, swiss chard, summer squash, butternut squash, spaghetti squash, zucchini, cucumbers, pumpkins, watermelon, cantaloupe, dill, and basil. My parsley and strawberry plants survived the winter, so I transplanted them. The next week, I added tomato plants - about 9 different varieties - and cherry tomatoes, as well as green and red peppers, jalapenos, and serrano peppers.

The past few weeks have been soooo exciting, as I've gone out every day to weed and water, and to watch for little bits of green coming up. I'm pleased to say that everything I planted has at least one tiny plant coming up now, which is better than last year. I never could get the pumpkin or melon seeds to sprout, so I ended up buying starts. If you garden, you know what I mean about the excitement. If you don't, you've got to try it!

I have big plans for the garden this year. I plan to can oodles of tomatoes, and beans if I get enough this year. Last year, my beans came a handful at a time, and my baby came at the same time as the tomatoes. Plus, Tanner moved in and started school. So I let loads of tomatoes rot before I could can them, and felt sick about it. This year I think I can do it if I do a batch every few days. We'll see about that..........Also, I really wanted to make salsa last year, but didn't for all of the above reasons. Hopefully, I'll get to try this time.

I have to say how grateful I am to have a hard-working husband. He did an entire day's worth of back-breaking labor to get everything ready for me, and all while he was on call and could have needed to shower and run to work at a minute's notice. His "do it now" attitude is a perfect complement to my "I'll get to it" style. I know he wanted to help me get the garden started because he knows how much I love it and that it kept me sane last summer. I love being outside, digging in the dirt, having the kids playing outside and wearing themselves out, and feeling the sense of accomplishment when harvest time comes!

Get me off this crazy train

I have always been prone to hormone-induced insanity. I take a fun little roller coaster ride at least once a month. Sometimes it's a short ride with small ups and downs. Other times, like this month, the highs are super high, and the lows are terribly low, and there are a couple of loops thrown in just for fun. Unfortunately for my family, they get to go on the ride with me, but they feel the dips more than the rest of it.

Take yesterday, for example. I offered to take my sister Stephanie's two daughters for the day so that she could pack boxes and prepare to move. Katelyn had dance, so I piled my 3 little ones and her 2 into the van. We stayed in the van and watched movies until Katelyn was done, then headed to Costco for my usual Wednesday shopping trip and lunch. I got some strange stares, and even a few comments, as I pushed a cart loaded with 5 kids through Costco. (Usually the kids prefer to walk, but I was happy to have them all in my control when they opted to sit in the cart.) When I sat down at the food court with 5 littles ones, feeding 1 baby food and cutting pizza for the other 4, I could feel the eyes of everyone around me...........the entire. time. we. sat. there! It was a little crazy, trying to keep drinks from spilling, pizza from ending up on the floor, clothes from getting covered in food. But as I sat there, I felt good about myself. I was calm and collected. I didn't feel stressed or rushed, though it took FOREVER to take the kids to the potty. And it took even longer to load everyone back in the car, change a diaper, and make a bottle. I never lost my cool, on the outside or on the inside. I even managed to get 2 of them to nap when we got home. It was a great feeling! Fast forward a few hours. My sister has picked up her kids. My 3-year-old is waking up from his nap, which is almost never a pleasant experience. I'm exhausted from the day's activities, and from trying to keep everyone outside or quiet-as-mice inside, since my husband is working nights and sleeping (or trying to) days this week. And I'm faced with making dinner. Suddenly this task seems insurmountable and I feel like I'm going to break. I'm so frustrated that my hubby even offers to go get a pizza or fast food. (I should have taken him up on it!) I did make dinner, and survived getting the kids to bed and seeing John off to work.

And now for today's adventures: sew sew sew, trying to finish blanket for friend who just had baby; to Walmart with kids to get groceries to make dinner for same friend; lunch on the run; MusicMakers, where my kids were on their worst behavior EVER; home to frantically sew some more; cooking, baking, sewing, until...................I'm done! As the clock struck 6, I was driving to deliver dinner, complete with lasagna, salad, bread, and a cake, AND a freshly finished blanket. Now that's a feeling of accomplishment! Back at home I fed my family the same dinner, making for a happy hubby. Later, as I took a break for the first time all day, and for the last hour with John before he headed to work, we sat down to watch last night's American Idol results show. With Katelyn whining at me on one side, and Carter on the other - a constant stream of "I want, I want, I want" and "now, now, now" - I broke. I had to remove myself to another room to keep from losing it completely. Suddenly everything was too much for me and I couldn't handle hearing another demand, breaking up another fight, or cleaning up another spill. With clenched teeth and a raging temper, I got the kids in bed. They're all alive, but if I hear another pair of feet in the hallway, I fear for those kids.

So the mood swings are pretty bad. If I didn't know my body, I'd be ready to check myself into the nearest psych ward. But I'm comforted, if only slightly, by the fact that this will pass. And I'm feeling ashamed of myself. This hormonal upheaval is causing me to feel like I can't survive another second of my life. I've thought several times in the last week of the pioneer women crossing the plains, burying children and battling every kind of hardship along the way. I guarantee their attitudes were better in the face of those trials than mine has been in the face of this tiny little challenge. I have got to quit feeling sorry for myself and buck up. For now, if you see me, you'll know why I don't seem myself. I you don't see me, count yourself lucky!

Happy Mother's Day

I want to wish my mom and my mom-in-law a happy Mother's Day. I am so blessed to have such wonderful and giving women in my life. Thanks to them, I haven't gone crazy since my 2 children suddenly turned into 4. And thanks to both of them, I've been able to go on 2 trips in the last month. I spent a week with my sister, Cassie, and my sweet baby Aidan in Iowa seeing sites and shopping. The next weekend I lived it up with my hubby in New York City. I had a great time traveling the country, and felt rejuvenated and excited about motherhood again after getting back. So thanks, moms. I love you and appreciate you so much!

Now, about today...........since I first became a mother, I've struggled with my feelings about Mother's Day (see last year's post). There have been years when I've been selfish, focusing on how things should have gone and didn't. There have been years of sadness because I've thought only of my failures as a mother. And more recently, as I'm maturing (hopefully), I've tried to make it more about the mothers in my life than about myself. But this morning I realized that this day will be different for our family for the rest of our lives. Today my focus was on helping my heartbroken (step)son deal with the pain of losing a mother. We had talks about remembering the good things, hugged him through the tears, and started a new tradition to honor his mother. Although he can't see it, each year will get a tiny bit easier. But Mother's Day has taken on a new meaning, and now we join the others who are reminded of losses on this day - who struggle to see the good through the sorrow.

I hope that all of you had a wonderful day. All of my friends are incredible mothers, and I look up to each of you for different reasons. You are incredible women, and your children are lucky to have you.

As the day draws to a close, I'm inspired to be a better mom to my children, especially to the one who needs me more than he'll ever let on.