I sound like a broken record, but let me say one last time that this has been a difficult winter for me. My body does not deal well with even the slightest change in its delicate hormonal balance. I realize that being pregnant should bring about such euphoria that I am in a constant state of happiness, but I have been unable to keep myself from sinking for the last couple of months. The morning sickness (I wish it would stick to mornings) hasn't helped much, either.
February is a hard month for me every year. This past week marks the anniversary of the loss of someone very dear to me. It has been more than ten years now, and I'm always amazed at how fresh the pain feels. This year, I tried to plan things on that difficult day that would help me to focus on others. I planned two visiting teaching visits, including a lunch for one of our sisters. This kept me busy for half of the day, but when my day quieted down and the kids were napping, I was left with nothing to distract me from my thoughts. I feel like I really owe it to this loved one to live the best life that I can. So every year I have a good cry while I evaluate myself and my life. Needless to say, I never feel like I'm meeting my own expectations of what a good wife, mother, or woman should be. As painful as this time is for me, once I've worked through it I am inspired to do and be better. I also realize how grateful I am for all of the wonderful things in my life. It's impossible to replace someone you lose. But I can take comfort in the sweet spirits I have in my life who bring me joy. I love my little children so much. Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility I have to care for and nurture these little developing human beings. But they make life so fun! This week I paid closer attention than usual to the little things they have to say, and the way they think about things. I have also been blessed to share in parenting a soon-to-be-teenager, and I think it makes me a better person to look at myself through his eyes. Most of all, I feel so lucky to be married to someone who supports me, loves me for who I am, and lifts me up when I'm not doing so well at standing on my own.
As I say goodbye to this sad week, I want to say goodbye to the dark time that was winter 2007-08. I said this once before, but as hard as I tried, I could not pick myself up. This time is for real. My sister and I took our kids for a walk to the park on Wednesday. It was sunny and gorgeous--I think it got up to 52 degrees that day--and for the first time in a long time, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that a lot of you thrive on sunshine like I do, so you can relate. Over the past few days, we've been to the park twice, and my kids have spent hours out in the backyard playing. It has been wonderful! I'm not stupid enough to rely entirely on Vitamin D to pull me out of my funk. In fact, it's supposed to snow again tomorrow. But, just like the little buds coming up in my flowerbeds (the fruit of my hours of labor this fall planting 90+ bulbs--can you tell I'm excited?!), the buds of happiness inside of me will weather the storm now that I really know and feel that there are brighter days ahead.
Let me just add that I know I've been a terrible blogging friend over the past few months. I want you to know that I have taken comfort in reading your blogs, and in the comments you've left on my few dismal posts, even though I haven't really given back in comments. Thanks for being my friends, for having awesome blogs that are fun to read, inspiring, and honest, and for checking my blog even when you knew there wouldn't be anything there. You know who you are, and I love you.
