Broken dreams

We're moving to Spokane. At the end of June. Did you know that already? John got a position at a really awesome partnership, and the job starts July 1st. Having lived there for a year for John's internship before residency, we know that city and feel quite at home there, so we're pretty excited. (Not thrilled about leaving our friends and family here, though.) I know which schools are my top choices for the kids, and we've got a few neighborhoods where we'd prefer to live.

Actually, we flew to Spokane in October for the interview and they set us up with a realtor to show us around. We specifically asked her to show us a house we were dying to see. It's on this road:

This is the mailbox belonging to the house next door:

This is down the road less than 1/4 mile and across the street:

And this is what you see when you walk further down the road on the trail we walked/ran over and over when we lived there. (You know? The one I've blogged about over and over, and over and over. Until you're sick of hearing it. That one.)

We weren't sure what to expect when we looked at the house, but I fell in love instantly. Open floor plan, lots of windows and very bright, ranch style so the kitchen and family room walk straight out to the back yard, tons of yard for the kids to play in, fully fenced.....you get the idea. It was my dream home. John liked it too. And once he excepted the job offer, I helped him to fall in love, too. We came up with a plan to build a pool/guest house, and I moved in mentally. I practically have the pictures hung and the clothes put away in the closets. We offered on the home in December, on the advice of our realtor, just hoping to secure it even though we can't close until May 1st at the earliest. Not surprisingly, that was too far off for the seller and they declined our offer. So we've watched the house daily and kept our fingers crossed that it would stay on the market.

And it did! Until yesterday. The new buyers closed on the home yesterday. Someone bought my house. My dream house. I'm shattered.

But I knew there was a good chance this would happen. I knew it was dumb to allow myself to fall so head-over-heels in love. I realized that I might end up right where I am. :(

I'm OK. I'm trying to see it as an opportunity. Now I get to go house shopping. Not that I haven't looked at every single home for sale in Spokane on the internet a million times already. Every.Single.One. But who knows what will come on the market before we move? And there are some other good possibilities. We'll end up in a lovely home and we'll be happy. I just know it.

But I can't say that I won't drive by that house when we get there and think about what might have been...

I think I can, I think I can.....

In high school I played field hockey. We usually ran a few miles before practice, then spent the hours of practice running drills. I played right wing, which meant I spent every game sprinting up and down the side of the field. I was in good shape. Like we all were in high school, right?

After high school, I headed down to BYU, where I lived in the dorms. My roommate was one of my best friends, and we quickly made friends with girls on our floor. We'd all go to the BYU track and run together. We were worried about the "freshman 15." (And for good reason. I definitely gained those 15 pounds in the first year!)

Sometime since then, I decided that I'm not a runner. Partially because I always hated running. And partially, I think, because my husband is a runner. He runs really far, really fast, and who can keep up with that? I started having babies, and walking with the stroller. When we moved to Spokane for a year, I became a hard-core walker, even walking the famous Bloomsday race with the double stroller. I was officially a walker, and swore that I'd never run again.

When we moved back to SL, I tried to keep up the walking. But it was hard. I'd have to drive to get to a decent trail, and my neighborhood is mostly flat streets and really ugly houses. (Really!) Not so fun when I was used to this. I had a few more kids, and pretty much stopped exercising. And for some reason (cue sarcastic voice) I gained more weight than I ever imagined I would. Luckily, I have an awesome friend who's a devoted runner, and who runs Ragnar every year and loves it. Her enthusiasm and repeated attempts to get me to join her team, along with my desperation to get back in shape, convinced me to sign up for her team for the upcoming race in June. Darn you, Becky!

I mapped out 2 different routes that both, coincidentally, came out to 1.3 miles. The first time I ran, my only goal was to do it without stopping. And I did! I was shocked that I could do it, and so excited! That was a few months ago. I've been trying to run or workout on our elliptical machine 2 or 3 times a week since then. I haven't been terribly successful, but I'm trying. This month, I finally dared to try two laps of my route, and I was once again amazed that I could do it without stopping. So my new distance is 2.6 miles, and I'm not going back.

As I ran yesterday, I felt the same disdain for running that I always have. I get so nervous when I'm running, like I felt when I ran track in junior high. I would love to stop at any second and just be done. I can't catch my breath, I feel like it's hard just to pick my feet up for each step. But in my old age and maturity, I'm learning to see running differently. For one thing, I need it. I need to retrain my body to move and be strong. And I'm grateful that I can do it - that I don't have injuries or illness that keep me from being mobile. Most importantly, I see it as a test of will. It's completely mind over body, and I feel like a stronger person for every mile that I push my body to run without giving up. That's the strength that I really need - to know that I can do whatever I put my mind to.

So I now declare myself a runner. I have a lot of learning and growing to do, and I may never say that I love running. But I love the feeling I had when I finished another 2.6-mile run yesterday.  I can do this!

Gratitude #1

I've been enjoying reading on Facebook and blogs about all the things my friends are grateful for. It wouldn't be right for me to remain silent, when I've been blessed with so much. I chose today to start because I'm having a particularly difficult time feeling good about things. My two youngest have been sick for a few days now with a croupy cough and high fevers. On Monday night it hit me, too, and the past 2 days have not been very fun. So in an attempt to quit feeling sorry for myself, here's a list of things I'm thankful for right now:

• My husband, who came home to a disaster last night and immediately took over caring for the babies so that I could drag my sick body and the big kids to karate. He somehow managed to clean the kitchen while I was gone, and it has made all the difference today!
  
• The break we've had from sickness in our house for quite a while. The big kids have been battling colds for the last 2 weeks, but nothing major. We haven't had a huge family illness for what seems like months. I have to be grateful for that!
• A sister who will let me whine to her on the phone about how hard it is to be a sick mom with sick kids! Poor me, right? Thanks, Cassie. :)
• The cute things kids say. Last night it was all I could manage to strap the kids into car seats and go get tacos for dinner. As we walked into the house with our bags of fast food, Aidan said to me, "Mom, you're good at getting tacos!" And he gave me a big hug. My heart broke for how sweet he is and how uplifting that should be, and for what a lame mom I am. We've been eating out way too much recently.
• And for this: This not-so-great picture was taken on my phone in the dark. My poor sad babies have finally gone down for naps (fingers crossed that they'll stay asleep!) and I'm going to attempt to shower so I can be presentable at parent-teacher conferences today. Hurray for showers!
  

Monday Night Musings

• Wow! More than 2 months since my last post! I'm hoping that school starting and getting back into a routine will mean more blogging. Hoping.
• Speaking of school, I'm a little nervous for the kids to go back. (This year I'll have one in high school (seriously, high school!!!), one in 2nd grade, one in kindergarten, and one in preschool - I haven't decided if I'm doing preschool myself or sending the crazy one to someone else.) I set unreasonably high expectations for myself, and the return to routine makes me think I should suddenly be able to move mountains on a daily basis. I need to cut myself some slack. We'll see about that...
• I love Kohl's a little more each year. Last year my 30% off coupon came at back-to-school time and saved me big bucks on junior high wear. Today I realized that my 20% expired yesterday, and my new 20% starts Wednesday. I planned to wait until Wed until I realized that Kohl's cash ends tomorrow. So I was bold enough to go in and ask if they'd let me use one today, and the cashier said yes. She had no idea what she was getting herself into! I came back in with 6 kids (my soon-to-be-high-schooler needed his best friend, AKA wardrobe consultant, with him) and returned to her 2 hours later - yes TWO HOURS later - with enough clothes to earn me $100 in Kohl's cash. Please don't do the math or you'll most likely vomit. Needless to say, it was worth asking to use the coupon today!
• Two hours in a department store with an 18-month-old and an almost-3-year-old is enough to make a mom lose her mind. However, watching the other kids bask in new clothes bliss almost makes up for it. The oldest is trying to change his look for high school, and is putting way more thought into it than I ever realized boys do. It's fun to watch him stress out over it. And it's even more fun to watch the middle kids change outfits and run around in new shoes with new backpacks on.
• I'm a better mom to babies than to older kids. I remember Amy saying one time on her blog that she can do babies. And I agree. Bottles, diapers, even teething, are pretty straight forward. Trying to comfort a screaming baby can be frustrating, but a lot of things can be fixed with snuggles and hugs and kisses. I thrive on that physical closeness. But snuggling doesn't fix the problems between parents and older kids. The last two weeks have brought pretty big confrontations with my two oldest, and I don't feel like I know how to handle it. In the end, I stood my ground and tried to be reasonable but firm, and things calmed back down. But I was a wreck emotionally. Will I ever learn to deal with the turmoil of older kids without letting it ruin me inside? I sure hope so.
• I am blessed to have three sisters, and I adore each of them. I got to spend time, as much as we could fit in, with my sister Stephanie this summer while she was here for her husband's summer internship. They've been living in Florida for a year now, and the distance seems impossible. I was so excited to have her back, and we made some wonderful memories while she was here. And right as Steph was leaving, my youngest sister Cassie drove here from Iowa. She saved my life by staying with me for five days while my hubby was out of town. We had a blast, and she helped me start some projects I may never have started without her. She's a sweetheart! And then there's my sister Julie, who recently helped me to organize 2 cupboards in the kitchen that were disastrous, and my sewing stuff in the basement. I'd show you before and after pictures, but you would die if you saw the mess I've been living with!
• Little Caesar's is way cooler than I ever thought. The cashier today gave us little bags of cookies, which I didn't even know they had, for each of my 5 kids, and then took the time to blow up balloons for them. The little ones were tickled, and my oldest and his friend shared the helium in one of them to make funny voices on the way home. I'm probably a bad mom for letting my kids inhale helium, but I purposely didn't ask for 6 balloons because I knew that's what they'd do with theirs. I figured half a balloon each wouldn't hurt my conscience as much as a full one. I know - I'm weird.
• I'm starting to realize that life would be easier if I would just slow down. I could keep things cleaner if I'd slow down and finish each task before moving on to the next. And I wouldn't feel so frazzled all the time. But it's really hard with 5 kids, each of them pulling me in a different direction at any given moment. And I always have a million things I want to get done. I think with the return to school and routine, I'll make slowing down my focus for a while and see if I can make it stick. Wish me luck.
  

Sunday is.....

• a day of rest. Or is it?
• a constant attempt to keep peace. I start with music to set the tone, and with a lot of patience. Eventually the music gives way to unauthorized cartoons and video games, and the shouting of fighting children, and my patience wanes.
  
• constant strategizing. Whom to dress first? How soon before leaving? My babies can destroy themselves, the house, and the rest of the kids in a matter of minutes if I turn my head.
• a huge mess. Try as I might, I can't keep order on Sunday mornings. The kids wreak havoc on our kitchen while they eat breakfast......about 10 times between 6 am and 11. I swear I try to stuff them with their first breakfast, but they think they'll starve to death if they don't repeat the process 5 times before church! And believe me, I don't want hungry kids on my hands for the first 70-minute meeting at church.
  
• nagging, nagging, nagging. "Get dressed!" "Why don't you have your shoes on?" "Did you get your stuff ready to go?" "GET IN THE CAR!!!"
• one giant wrestling match. From the baths, which are inevitable for at least the little ones, even if they've had baths Saturday night, to the fighting on of dress shirts, vests, ties, etc, to the buckling of carseats, to the time on the bench for that first 70 minutes. If I'm not trying to hold one squirmy little one and keep him quiet, I'm holding onto 2 and reaching for a 3rd, who might be as old as 5 or 7 and should know better than to create the disturbance he/she is creating!
• physically exhausting due to the previously mentioned wrestling match.
• emotionally exhausting. Far too much frustration, disciplining, begging and pleading, questioning looks from those around us, imagined criticism from the onlookers, and beating up of myself for the loss of patience, raised voice, and complete inability to handle it all.

I take 5 kids to church by myself. Every other week, we add a sixth when we bring my stepson's 10-year-old brother. I choose to do this, so I don't feel like I have a right to complain. Then there are days like today, when I invite another mom to bring her kids to church by herself. She's been wanting to get back to church for months now, and just needs a little help coaxing the kids. (Why do I think I can help? I can't even get my own family there in one piece!) Unfortunately, it's a 6-kid day, my baby has been up all night sick and crying, my 2-year-old is up to his usual tricks, and my husband is out of town. And to top it all off, both babies fall asleep on the way to church. Of course church time coincides with nap time, and waking a super tired baby at nap time results in screaming and a very grumpy child. So can I possibly wake 2 babies and drag them into church by myself? No!

I sent the big kids in without me, meaning that I kind of abandoned the friend I was supposed to be sitting with, although it worked out in the end. But I melted down completely and had to reenter the building later with swollen, tear-stained eyes and groggy babies. I thought it might finally clue someone into the fact that I'm in over my head, but no such luck. Next week I'm in charge of sharing time. Pray for me......

A list

There's a lot I'd like to blog about right now, but if I'm going to get it out there, it'll have to be abbreviated. So here's a list of the things on my mind, in no particular order:

• I started a diet, specifically, the South Beach diet. Have you tried it? I'm not a diet person. I've tried counting calories a few times (with no real success as far as weight loss goes). And remember Body for Life? I did that for a long time back when it was popular. Now days, I prefer to exercise and eat reasonably and leave the scale out of it. Unfortunately, that took a bad turn lately and my poor eating habits, total lack of exercise, and a certain medication led to a weight gain that I can't live with. Rather than continue down the path to obesity, which is a real possibility, I decided I'd better turn things around. I've completed a full week of phase 1 of the diet, which pretty much eliminates all sugar, including fruit, and limits carbs to vegetables. So I'm on a protein & veggie diet. A week ago I would not have believed that I could go 7 days without sugar of any kind, but I did it people! Yay for me! And I feel so good! I'm trying to change the way I think about food so that I can make this a lifestyle change, rather than a quick weight loss scheme that ends in gaining it all back. (This does not mean I'll be giving up sugar for life. Let's not go crazy here!)



• So you know that weight gain I mentioned? I hate to even admit this, but I can't fit into any of my shorts or capris from last year, and I've been really upset about it. Today I decided to get over it and get myself some clothes that fit. One trip to my favorite store, Ann Taylor Loft, and a couple bucks later, and I now have a few pairs of shorts and some cute capris that actually go over my hips and don't cut off my circulation. I feel better about myself already, and I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to go up sizes and sizes to find things that fit. And I got some really good deals! The shorts & capris were only $25, and I had a coupon that dropped them to $21. Awesome!



• I've been reading lately. It feels amazing! I have had to let things go even more than usual, but I love the escape into a good book. It's been worth it, too. I'm almost done with The Poisonwood Bible, a favorite of my good friend Becky that I've been wanting to read for years. I highly recommend it if you haven't read it already!



• I haven't sewn in ages, partially because of the reading. I feel guilty doing anything that doesn't work toward a cleaner home or happy family members (excluding myself, of course), so reading has trumped sewing. Until Friday, when I stumbled upon a new blog. I found some really cute tutorials on Made by Rae. This is the Buttercup Bag: The tutorial is free and it sews up really fast! I'm going to take it apart and add some fusible fleece to make it a little sturdier, but it was a fun project that got my creative juices flowing and made me smile. If you're interested, I'm considering buying the license to sell this and another of her bags, so I'd love to make you one. :)

• I was feeling crafty after sewing my new purse, and I realized that I was in charge of sharing time Sunday, aka Mother's Day. So I decided to have the kids make tissue paper flowers for their moms. Little did I know the men were planning on taking over primary for the third hour of church. (Soooo glad they did! But maybe they should have told us?) I had to rush through the flowers with the little kids, and the older kids who wanted them stayed after for a minute to make them. I'd planned for 3 flowers per child, so if you want to make tissue paper flowers, come on over! I've got a lot of extra tissue paper squares, all cut and ready to go...



• My Mother's Day was good. I slept for a few extra minutes while my hubby made breakfast: waffles for the kids and eggs and bacon for the dieting wife. I got flowers. (Yay! I love flowers!) And we went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse, because I looooove steak, and I can eat it on my diet. Plus, I didn't have to cook or clean up. Perfect! Also, since I actually got to go to Relief Society with the other women at church, I was privileged to hear some inspirational thoughts about mothers. My favorites came from a neighbor of mine who is always kind and supportive. She told all of us moms with young kids that she remembers how hard it was to be in our shoes and that she knows how hard we work and how hard we try to be good moms. It meant a lot to me. I often feel, especially at church, like women who've already raised their kids are watching me and wondering why I don't have it more together. Her words were exactly what I needed.



• Mother's Day is also a sad day in our home. It's a strong reminder of Tanner's loss, now almost 3 years ago. I held him and tried to comfort him for the first hour of church. He finally decided to go home, and I stayed with my tear-stained face. My heart broke for him. I can only imagine how sad I would have been yesterday if my mom weren't around anymore, and I'm 35. He's only 14, and it's just not fair. That's about all I can say about that. Tanner did wish me a happy Mother's Day later, and that made me feel really good.



• My favorite gift yesterday was one that Katie made at school. Here it is: I love that I'm 7 feet tall and weigh only 80 pounds. But my favorite part is that I don't like to clean. She wrote that because every time I ask the kids for help around the house, they tell me they don't like to clean and get an earful from me about how much I enjoy it. But it was quite comical reading that I don't like to clean, sitting in my disaster of a house. I let things go a lot this weekend, and it was just perfect timing. I'm excited to find this when I'm 65 and remember what things were like now.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day! Thanks for dropping by!

Washing the clothes is fun to do...

...fun to do, to do, to do. Drying the clothes is fun to do, to do, to do, to do. At least now that I've added these babies to my appliance collection! Meet my new washer:

and my new dryer:We've had the same washer and dryer since we got married, when my mother-in-law was sweet enough to buy us a brand new pair. For years now, John's been suggesting that we get new machines, and I've turned him down because ours have had zero problems. Zero! (I found out how amazing this is when we started researching online and reading horror stories of breakdowns and repair bills.) Then my mom and sister surprised me with a laundry room makeover for my birthday. They commented that my washer is one of the smallest they've seen, and no wonder I'm always behind on laundry! So we began our search for new machines. John read every review of every washer and dryer in the U.S. and combed KSL and Craig's List nightly for a few weeks. Finally we headed to Home Depot to look for ourselves. We decided what we like, and what capacity and features we needed. We were lucky enough to find both machines on KSL from two different stores. The washer is used, but I can't even tell, and the dryer is brand new. And the good news is that we spent the same amount for both that we would have for just one at the store. Hurray!

I've never minded laundry. In fact, once Katelyn was born, I thought it was fun to fold her cute little clothes into little pink piles. Now my piles are mostly black and blue, but I still don't mind the washing and folding. (Especially since folding laundry is a great excuse to sit down for a second and watch Dancing With the Stars!) What I can't stand is putting it all away. Seriously, I've got piles for seven people, plus all the associated towels, sheets, blankets, etc. It drives me crazy!

But before I get to that awful putting-away step of the process, I now get to load up the washer with 3 times what I could fit into the old one, put the detergent in the cool little drawer on the front, watch it figure the load size and marvel at how much laundry constitutes only 3 of 4 bars, try to guess exactly how many minutes the machine will tell me the cycle will take, and then listen to the cute little song the washer chimes at me when it's done. Then I get to load the dryer up and decide which of my settings to use and wait for its cute little song. Fun fun!

Oh, there's the chime now..........time to switch loads!