Plain and Simple

So you've probably noticed another long period of blog silence from me. And you may be a little nervous about how I'll break my silence, given my history. You see, I tend to shut down when I hit a rough patch, then come back and vomit my troubles out when I feel I'm starting to work through them.

Well, that's certainly the case here. In four weeks, I will go from being a mother of two with a stepson we see every other weekend, to a mother of four, including a newborn and a junior high student. Not only will my stepson be tackling the demons of adolescence in junior high, but he'll be doing this while grieving the loss of his mother and adapting to full-time life in our home. I am in over my head here, folks.

Here's the thing. I have always wanted a lot of kids. And ever since John and I got married, we've talked about how great it would be to have custody of Tanner. These changes are not unwanted. They're just coming at me a little faster than I expected. And I'm scared. It actually makes me feel better just to say that. I'm scared that I don't have what it takes to give all of these people what they need from me. Now having said that, there's a part of me that's excited to prove that I can handle this. I can be a good mom who makes wise decisions that help to guide her children successfully through life's struggles. That's the attitude I'm taking into this battle with me starting four weeks from yesterday, which is coincidentally the day Tanner starts school and I'm scheduled to be induced.

I probably wouldn't be so thrown by all of this if I hadn't been struggling inside of myself already. For the last four years, I've ridden the roller coaster that is being a stay-at-home mom. I'm in love with the job, yet I can't seem to find the sense of fulfillment I so desire. I catch glimpses of it now and then, but I struggle to hold onto it. Well, this week I caught another glimpse, and I really want to capture my feelings before they get lost again.

This month my neighborhood book club is reading Plain and Simple, by Sue Bender. It's the true story of a woman who is so fascinated with the Amish that she spends some time living with Amish families. In doing so, she learns some principles that she takes with her and incorporates into her life, helping to answer some questions she's always had about herself. Here are a few of those principles and how they apply to my life:

• Value the process and the product. I can see the importance of having clean laundry, a clean house, a meal on the table, but I often resent the work. If I can find joy in the little things that I do all day, I will be infinitely happier.
• Live in time. Rather than rushing through tasks to get them done and move on to the next thing, experience each moment. This is so important as a mother, because I often miss the special moments with my kids in my rush. The days when I pay attention to all the little things that happen as we go are the days when I feel good about life and my role as a mother.
• Celebrate the ordinary. Even the little things like the laundry and dishes are important. I can feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, even if the only things I've done are these ordinary things.
• Home is the focus of life. It's o.k. that this is where I spend the bulk of my time. Making it a place where my family and I feel good is important.
• Life is art. The beauty of the creation, not the ego of the creator, is important. This may sound a little abstract, but go with me for a second. I have struggled with letting go of my quest to become an accomplished artist - in music and in sewing. I can't put real time and focus into these things and still give my children everything they need. It is so freeing to think that I can have music in my home - playing the piano, singing, teaching my children these things - and I can create things - blankets and clothes for my children to love and use - and in these ways I bring art to my family. We can be surrounded by beauty, even without the music degree I so want to finish, or the ego that comes with labeling myself an "artist."

I think I can use these principles to help me feel more fulfilled in the role I've chosen in this life, even as things get busier and I face more difficult challenges. In all honesty, I just want to go to bed at night on a day when I've fed my family, done the dishes, folded some laundry, watered the garden, read to my kids, and helped with homework, and feel like I have accomplished important things and enjoyed myself at the same time. Do you think I can do it? If so, I may just have discovered the secret of life.

Breaking my children's hearts, one dog at a time

I think I'm the worst mom ever. Now that I say that, I could list a thousand points that support it, but let's not go there today. I'm feeling lousy about my parenting skills right now because I just made my kids say goodbye to their dog and watch her ride away in someone else's car. Why? Let me give you some history.

A few years ago we got a puppy. She was a terrier mix, and she was the worst dog we could have chosen for our family. She barked constantly, and she nipped at the kids. We couldn't take the noise, and we couldn't protect our kids from her every minute, so after almost 2 years of trying to make it work, we found her a new home. We found a nice older couple who wanted a dog as a surrogate child, and I felt great about it. The kids still ask about Tessie quite often.

A few months after parting with Tessie, we felt ready to try a different dog. We had looked at lots of different kinds of dogs, and had long discussions about what would fit our family. We felt certain that we needed a big dog that was smart and gentle. Enter Sadie, our golden lab/retriever puppy. We tried so hard to love her and make her fit our family. She did all of the things that puppies do - mainly, she chewed our house to pieces. She ripped apart toys, shoes, tools, and lawn furniture. I blamed myself for leaving things out, because I know that puppies need to chew. I bought her chew toys and tried to be vigilant about keeping things out of her reach. John built her a nice little dog run so that we could lock her up when other kids came around - her size was pretty intimidating. Here's what she did to it:

Her undoing came when she decided to start ripping our trees out of the ground. We planted a couple of baby trees at the end of spring and she would not leave them alone! Each time, we tried to save the tree the first time she ripped it out, and I tried putting cages around them, spraying them with dog repellant, everything I could think of. And each time, she got to it a second or third time and shredded the poor thing so that it was beyond saving. It got to the point where I didn't dare leave her outside without looking out the window every 3 minutes. With a baby on the way, this just wasn't going to work. And with all of this destruction, I was dealing far too often with an angry husband who wanted the dog gone. Our final realization was that WE ARE NOT DOG PEOPLE! I know that Sadie will get through the puppy phase and be a calm, gentle, family dog. But nothing about dog ownership has worked for us, so we're calling it quits for good.

So I think (hope, pray) that I found a nice home for Sadie. And unfortunately for our kids, we will never own a dog again. It's not fair to the poor animals, and I feel sad for Tessie and Sadie that they had to be the ones to teach us our lesson. I know that our home will be a more peaceful place, and that my stress level just went down a ton. So why am I bawling?

I'm trying to hide my sadness from the kids, because they're already upset. I guess I'll go help them build a house for the cats. That should distract them, right?

Goodbye, Sadie. We'll miss you. (I know, hubby, you won't. But I will, and the kids will for a long time.)

Her Imaginary Friend

It's been a couple of months since Katelyn first mentioned Helma. I knew right away that she had invented this friend, because we were in the car and she said that Helma was sitting next to her. She didn't appreciate my questions at first, but I've gradually been able to get more information. Here's what I've learned:

• Helma is usually a boy, although today I was informed that Helma changes from a boy to a girl.
• Helma is anywhere from age 2 to age 4, depending on the day.
• Helma is from a different world.
• Helma can do magic.
• Helma dances funny.
• Helma is silly, and he thinks that Katelyn is silly.
• Sometimes Helma doesn't want to play.

Carter has gotten to know Helma, too. Sometimes I'll overhear him ask Katelyn about Helma, or I'll hear them talking about Helma and laughing. Helma has even been blamed for naughty things that have been done by other little people in our house.

I always thought it was cute when little kids had imaginary friends, but I wasn't sure if it would be disturbing as a parent, like some sign that there's something wrong. But I'm not worried at all that Katelyn actually believes in Helma's existence (although Carter might). And I think it's a fun way to gain insight into Katelyn's moods and thoughts. So for now, I think we'll keep Helma around.

How many have YOU read?

I'm not big on memes. I think it's because usually by the time I get them, everyone I know has done them and I feel like I don't have anything original to say. But this one seemed way too fun to pass up. Thanks for letting me steal it, Amy! It's the Top 100 list of books from The Big Read, which averages that most people have read six or fewer books from the list. I was pretty excited to rank above average! Here goes:

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read (as in the book is bought and sitting on my shelf).
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
Ready? OK!

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen. I think I'm the only one of my sisters not head-over-heels in love with this book/movie. But having rewatched the Keira Knightley version recently, I'm feeling like re-reading the book.
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien. Sorry to you Tolkien readers, including my husband - I'm just not a fantasy girl.
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte. One of my favorites! I wanted to choose it for my book club, but wasn't so sure the others would agree.
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling. Again, sorry. Just can't get into the magic stuff. Don't hate me!
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee. My husband and I both love the book and the movie with Gregory Peck.
6. The Bible. Unfortunately I can't claim to have finished the Bible cover-to-cover. Better make that a life goal, huh?
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte.
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell. This one makes at least my top ten favorites list. I absolutely love this genre and would recommend that everyone read it!
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott. I loved this as a child and want Katelyn to read it for sure.
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy. I found this book too dark for me when I read it in high school. Wonder what I'd think now?
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller.
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare. John and I started to read Shakespeare together when we were dating. We would go to the park with a blanket - so romantic. I think he's read it all, but I haven't even come close.
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien. Of course not.
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks.
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger. I really liked this book, but it's been long enough that I'm not sure if I can claim to love it.
19. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger. LOVED this book! Thanks to Becky for recommending it!
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot.
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell. Haven't read this, but I will one day. I've seen the movie - all 1000 hours of it - about 5 times. Rumor has it I was named after saintly Melanie in the story.
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald. My junior high English teacher suggested this when I had exhausted her list of recommendations. I think it was a little over my 7th grade head. Should read again someday.
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens.
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams.
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky. This makes my top 3. I've read it twice and know I'll read it again.
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck. I'm not sure what drew me to it, but I really enjoyed this in high school.
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll. Never read it, don't even really know the story. Does that make me weird?
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy. I do want to read this looooong book.
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis. I actually really admire CS Lewis, but again with the fantasy!?
34. Emma - Jane Austen.
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini. This one's on my to-be-read list.
37. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
38. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden. I read this about 3 years ago. I was mesmerized by the story and loved the imagery. For some reason, I'm torn on how I feel about the book as a whole, as I wrestled with my feelings about the issues presented the entire time I read it. Sorry, it's hard to explain.
39. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne. I've read a lot, but I'm not sure if I've read it all. I do love the old style of writing.
40. Animal Farm - George Orwell. Loved it? Not sure, but I do love the allegory in it.
41. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown. I loved it while I was reading it, but I think I'm over it.
42. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
43. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving. J.
44. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
45. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery. I read these all and loved them. Also loved the movies. I can't wait to share them with Katie.
46. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
47. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood. Top 3 definitely - possibly favorite book of all time. No book has ever captivated me so completely or made me think as much. I would read it over and over if there weren't so many great books out there I'd be missing.
48. Lord of the Flies - William Golding. Not a fan!
49. Atonement - Ian McEwan. I enjoyed parts of this book, and other parts seemed to drag on for years. Just finished the movie yesterday, though, and had a much better feeling. I think the director did a great job with the story!
50. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
51. Dune - Frank Herbert
52. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
53. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
54. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
55. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
56. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens. I read this in high school with a terrible teacher and struggled with it too much to enjoy it.
57. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley. This feels a lot like 1984 (Orwell) to me. A must-read!
58. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
59. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
60. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck.
61. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
62. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
63. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold.
64. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas.
65. On The Road - Jack Kerouac. I read this on John's recommendation. It wasn't me, but I'm glad I read it because it gave me some knowledge of beat poets and that whole movement.
66. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy. My uncle, a high school English teacher, told me he loves this book and I never dared admit that I didn't enjoy it.
67. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding.
68. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie.
69. Moby Dick - Herman Melville. Is it bad that I have no desire to read this?
70. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
71. Dracula - Bram Stoker
72. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett. I loved this when I was little.
73. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
74. Ulysses - James Joyce. OK, I'm lying - I did not read this. But I feel like I should get credit because John spent hours upon hours of our time reading this book! He read me sentences that went on for pages and none of it made a lick of sense. And he's the only one I know who's actually read the entire thing. Crazy, huh?
75. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath.
76. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
77. Germinal - Emile Zola
78. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
79. Possession - AS Byatt.
80. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens. I don't think I've actually read this!
81. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
82. The Color Purple - Alice Walker. Too sad!
83. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
84. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
85. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
86. Charlotte's Web - EB White. Another childhood favorite!
87. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom. Haven't read this, but I recently read Tuesdays With Morrie. It was one of the most uplifting and inspirational books I've ever read!
88. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. My dad's favorite. I'll bet he's disappointed that his daughters never got into it!
89. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
90. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad.
91. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
92. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
93. Watership Down - Richard Adams.
94. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
95. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
96. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
97. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl. The book is way better than any of the movies!
98. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo. I've read part of it. It's a very long book! But I will finish it one day, I promise.

Wow, I didn't do so hot on the last quarter of the list, did I? I really considered myself a reader before I had kids. Then when Katie was born I spent so many hours reading up on how to be her mom, and even more hours trying to figure out how to do it all, that I convinced myself there was no time for recreational reading. I'm starting to see that I can work it into my life again, and it's really exciting. So here's to a lot more reading in my future.

Now go try this for yourself - it's really fun!

Taking pleasure in the little things

I've been feeling overwhelmed lately with my role as a mother, especially in light of the changes our family is going through. Today has been a good one, taking Tanner to his orthodontist appointment (a first for me), and doing our weekly grocery shopping. But I still found myself needing some buoying up, so I watched Elder Ballard's conference talk while Carter napped and Katelyn had quiet time. As the talk ended, I resolved to do my best to enjoy the little moments of motherhood, to "treasure the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less."

I know how blessed I am to have the opportunity of being a mother to these sweet spirits, and Katelyn gave me the perfect evidence. I walked out of my bedroom to find that she had emptied the basket of clean laundry that had been sitting in the living room and was folding the towels. She can be such a little angel! I hope I can keep this peaceful feeling of love for my children throughout the afternoon. I know I'll especially need it once Carter gets up from his nap!

Need a laugh?

Last night when Katelyn was finished brushing her teeth, she leaned over and bumped her head on the faucet. She was crying as John held her and tried to console her. Between sobs, she told John, "I wish I were a ghost. Then my head would go right through things and I wouldn't bonk and get hurt." I wish I had heard her say it. I think it's so funny the way their little minds work.