Plain and Simple

So you've probably noticed another long period of blog silence from me. And you may be a little nervous about how I'll break my silence, given my history. You see, I tend to shut down when I hit a rough patch, then come back and vomit my troubles out when I feel I'm starting to work through them.

Well, that's certainly the case here. In four weeks, I will go from being a mother of two with a stepson we see every other weekend, to a mother of four, including a newborn and a junior high student. Not only will my stepson be tackling the demons of adolescence in junior high, but he'll be doing this while grieving the loss of his mother and adapting to full-time life in our home. I am in over my head here, folks.

Here's the thing. I have always wanted a lot of kids. And ever since John and I got married, we've talked about how great it would be to have custody of Tanner. These changes are not unwanted. They're just coming at me a little faster than I expected. And I'm scared. It actually makes me feel better just to say that. I'm scared that I don't have what it takes to give all of these people what they need from me. Now having said that, there's a part of me that's excited to prove that I can handle this. I can be a good mom who makes wise decisions that help to guide her children successfully through life's struggles. That's the attitude I'm taking into this battle with me starting four weeks from yesterday, which is coincidentally the day Tanner starts school and I'm scheduled to be induced.

I probably wouldn't be so thrown by all of this if I hadn't been struggling inside of myself already. For the last four years, I've ridden the roller coaster that is being a stay-at-home mom. I'm in love with the job, yet I can't seem to find the sense of fulfillment I so desire. I catch glimpses of it now and then, but I struggle to hold onto it. Well, this week I caught another glimpse, and I really want to capture my feelings before they get lost again.

This month my neighborhood book club is reading Plain and Simple, by Sue Bender. It's the true story of a woman who is so fascinated with the Amish that she spends some time living with Amish families. In doing so, she learns some principles that she takes with her and incorporates into her life, helping to answer some questions she's always had about herself. Here are a few of those principles and how they apply to my life:

• Value the process and the product. I can see the importance of having clean laundry, a clean house, a meal on the table, but I often resent the work. If I can find joy in the little things that I do all day, I will be infinitely happier.
• Live in time. Rather than rushing through tasks to get them done and move on to the next thing, experience each moment. This is so important as a mother, because I often miss the special moments with my kids in my rush. The days when I pay attention to all the little things that happen as we go are the days when I feel good about life and my role as a mother.
• Celebrate the ordinary. Even the little things like the laundry and dishes are important. I can feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, even if the only things I've done are these ordinary things.
• Home is the focus of life. It's o.k. that this is where I spend the bulk of my time. Making it a place where my family and I feel good is important.
• Life is art. The beauty of the creation, not the ego of the creator, is important. This may sound a little abstract, but go with me for a second. I have struggled with letting go of my quest to become an accomplished artist - in music and in sewing. I can't put real time and focus into these things and still give my children everything they need. It is so freeing to think that I can have music in my home - playing the piano, singing, teaching my children these things - and I can create things - blankets and clothes for my children to love and use - and in these ways I bring art to my family. We can be surrounded by beauty, even without the music degree I so want to finish, or the ego that comes with labeling myself an "artist."

I think I can use these principles to help me feel more fulfilled in the role I've chosen in this life, even as things get busier and I face more difficult challenges. In all honesty, I just want to go to bed at night on a day when I've fed my family, done the dishes, folded some laundry, watered the garden, read to my kids, and helped with homework, and feel like I have accomplished important things and enjoyed myself at the same time. Do you think I can do it? If so, I may just have discovered the secret of life.