Hi. Remember me?

Actually, I'm not sure that I remember me. In my last post I alluded to the postpartum depression I've been dealing with. Well, I'm sure you're dying to hear more about it, because really, don't we look to our friends' blogs to bring us down? Unfortunately, I don't have much else on my mind lately. Sorry.

This isn't my first experience with depression. I had a pretty big battle with it in college, and then again after my 4-year-old was born. Every time I have a child, I worry and watch for the signs and try to be pro-active so that maybe I can keep it from happening. This time, however, I could tell by my 6-week postpartum check-up that things weren't going so well.

Fortunately for you, my goal is not to give you the details of my struggle. Instead, I want to open up a discussion about guilt. I have always been prone to feelings of guilt, often without justification. I feel guilty about things that aren't even my fault. Now, for the last 4 months I've felt guilty about being depressed.

When I was a junior in high school, we moved to Utah halfway through the school year and I got to switch from early morning seminary (where we went to someones house at 6:30 am every school day to learn about our religion and study the scriptures) to release-time seminary. That meant I got to walk across the street from the school during one of my regular class periods for seminary. Yeah! I had a very charismatic and fun teacher - he kind of reminded me of Drew Carey. Although I know his heart was in the right place, he had an ax to grind, and he let us know. He had a huge issue with depression, especially its prevalence in Utah and among church members. He told us more than once that depression is basically unrighteous. He believed that if you understand the gospel and if you are righteous, and if you look to Christ for help, you cannot be depressed.

So if you combine his teachings, which I took with a grain of salt at the time and still don't really believe, with my tendency to feel guilty about anything and everything, you get my new problem: I feel incredibly guilty about being depressed.

Here are the facts: I have an amazing life. My husband is my best friend and the most supportive man and wonderful father. I love my children more than words can say and I am blessed to be able to be home with them to raise them. We have enough money to put food on the table and buy more than just what we absolutely need - just look at my closet full of cute shoes and my brand new minivan. I have in-laws and parents who are helpful and loving, and real, true friends who care about me, including my sisters, who are always there for me. So what do I have to be unhappy about? Nothing! And it does feel selfish and unappreciative that I'm unable to pull myself out of this.

So let's discuss: do you find yourself feeling guilty for things that you know deep down are out of your control, and if so, how do you stop feeling that way?

*Disclaimer*

I'm working with my doctor to deal with my depression, and I'm having more and more days where I feel like I'm going to kick this. And I really hate to come across as whining about my life. At the same time, I want to break my silence and share with my friends just a little of what I've been going through. Thanks for listening.

To My Family on Mothers Day

I love what Elise wrote about Mothers Day. It can be such a difficult day, for a lot of women, I'm sure, and for many different reasons. I'm so glad she posted the video about Nie Nie, because it made such an impression on my heart. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you've got to go to one of these links and watch it!) As women, we get so wrapped up in looking beautiful, and in keeping a lovely home - in things that are so superficial. As moms, we have a wonderful opportunity to lose ourselves in the service of these precious little souls who've been sent to us to raise. I've been dealing with a pretty bad case of postpartum depression for the last 3 months, and I've struggled just to get through the day. I know that there are people who have far greater struggles than mine, and it helps me to be reminded of that fact. So instead of focusing on myself this year, I want to dedicate this Mothers Day to my family:

To Zach: I get to spend every few hours snuggling you when I feed you. You depend on me for your survival, and I am so in love with you that it borders on obsession. What a happy little baby you are, and everyone in the family loves you to death.

To Aidan: You are the cutest thing in our house right now, and also the most difficult. Your dad and I are amazed at your awesome, fun personality, and you bring us unbelievable joy, even though I spend your every waking moment cleaning up after you and trying to keep you out of trouble.

To Carter: You've hit a really defiant stage, and you test my patience more than anyone. But you're so smart and talented and focused. I know you're going to do something big and important someday, and I love you for being you.

To Katelyn: You are adorable, so smart, and so sweet. We butt heads because you're just like me, but you know how to melt my heart. You love to tell me that I look pretty, or that you love something I've made or done. And you're the best little helper a six-year-old could be.

To Tanner: I know that I'm not your mother, and I will never be able to replace her, but I love you like you're my own son. You're at a difficult age, dealing with difficult issues, and I'm so impressed that you always do what I ask of you. That's got to be rare for a 13-year-old, and I love it!

To My Husband: I wouldn't have my beautiful children if I didn't have you. And I couldn't be the mom that I am without you by my side. You give me the push I need to keep going, even when it seems too hard. Your love and support mean the world to me, and the kind of dad you are to our kids makes me want to be a better mom. I love you.

I feel so blessed to have my wonderful husband and children, and I hope I can hold onto this feeling and drink in the experience of being a mom with small kids. And I hope that all of you mommies out there had a great Mothers Day filled with peace and love.

For Shauna

What do you get when you combine:

• 8 cake mixes
• 3 cups of oil
• 2 dozen eggs
• 3 cups of butter
• 5 pound of marshmallows
• 20 pounds of powdered sugar
• a little bit of milk
• a few teaspoons of vanilla
• some food coloring
• ribbon
• and a pretty bow?

First you get this:

Then this:

And finally this:

Here's the cake at Shauna's reception:

And here's Shauna with her mom, my sweet mother-in-law Rose:

Congratulations, Shauna! You're an awesome sister-in-law!

* This was my first wedding cake, and will be my last unless one of my kids wants me to make them one someday. I baked all day yesterday, and started the frosting/decorating at 9:30 this morning. I had to pause a few times to feed a starving baby, but other than those breaks I worked straight through until 5:30, when we left for the reception. Wow, I can't believe it's over!!

Happy Birthday, Rose!

My sister-in-law just got married and is having a reception next week. Well, for some crazy reason she asked me if I'd make a cake for her. She showed me a few pictures of what she has in mind, and I told her I hope she doesn't regret trusting me with such a big responsibility, especially since I've never made a wedding cake before. I knew I'd need to practice, and I had the perfect opportunity when we decided to throw my mother-in-law a birthday party. For the practice cake, I simply used my 2 9-inch round pans and layered them, then frosted them with buttercream and covered them in fondant. Here's what I came up with:

I have to thank my mom for bringing me the ingredients and being my moral support as I kneaded powdered sugar into melted marshmallows for what seemed like hours. She was also great help when Aidan decided to dump a bag of powdered sugar on the floor behind me while I worked on the fondant. I learned a lot in the practice round, so hopefully the wedding cake will look a little more professional. It will be 3 layers, so it will be quite a bit more involved. I know what I'll be doing next Friday and Saturday!

And for those of you who don't have mischievous 20-month-olds running around your house, here's what happens to your beautiful cake while you're throwing in a load of laundry (luckily this didn't happen until after the party when there were only a few pieces left):

But could you get mad at this face?

Do you?

I'm sitting on my couch, using the computer we have hooked up to our TV in the living room, staring up at a screen on the mantel. My computer in the kitchen hasn't worked for weeks now. I can look at things, but I can't comment on blogs or on Facebook. I can't even post to my blog or pay my bills. I'm sure you can sense my frustration.

The weekend took its usual toll on my house, which I've been trying so hard to keep clean. I should be able to get things back in shape, but my baby has screamed most of the morning. I can't tell if it's his gums, which have been swollen and sore, or his belly, which tends to fill with gas easily, or if it's just general discomfort. But I can't seem to keep him happy. Right now he's in his car seat on the floor watching me, semi-content for a few minutes - hopefully long enough for me to finish this post. Of course, I'm risking that Aidan will destroy something while I'm not giving him my full attention. He already spent the maximum time he can stand locked in his high chair eating lunch. Guess I'd better get to the point, huh?

I'm overwhelmed. I feel like a failure most of the time. I can't seem to keep our house clean, our affairs in order, and the kids happy all at once. At least one of those things suffers while I'm attending to the others, and sometimes I'm unsuccessful in every area at once. So here's the dilemma: My husband gave me the go-ahead months ago to have a service come to help do some of the cleaning in our home. This is something I've always dreamed of, but when the option was presented to me, I immediately dismissed it, feeling like it would be proof of my failure as a mother. I can take care of things myself. I know how to clean. I don't even mind cleaning - there's something therapeutic about it, kind of like weeding. But when things are not clean, and I can't get to it because I'm running kids around town or soothing crying babies, the mess really bothers me. I hate the smudges on the door frames and the walls, the dirt on the baseboards, the cobwebs that come out of nowhere. Even when the toys and clothes are all put away, there are things I want done that I can't seem to get to. Last night I decided that today's the day - I'm calling for some quotes. And yet I've spent the morning, on the brink of a meltdown with my crying baby, paralyzed and unable to make the calls. How can I have someone else do what I should be capable of myself, even if I'm paying them?

I don't think I'm alone. Don't most of us have trouble reaching out for help? People always offer to help with the kids if we need a break, but how many of us will actually call that favor in? I want to know - do you ask for help when you need it? Would you pay someone to clean your bathrooms?

P.S. I just set up an in-home estimate for tomorrow with one company and left a message with my name and number for another.

Terrible twos already?

Carter and Aidan are almost 3 years apart, and I guess that 3 years has been enough for me to forget what having a small toddler is like. I could swear that Aidan is the most active and curious of my children so far. For months now I have spent most of my time chasing after him, trying to keep him from killing himself or the baby, and cleaning up disaster after disaster. He's at such a fun age, but is so much work! I've spent so much energy hoping that he grows out of this troublemaking stage soon that I completely forget what looms ahead. I know from experience that the terrible twos really start around 18 months, but boy did it take me by surprise when I got my first taste of it today!

I have to take full responsibility, because I chose to delay Aidan's nap just a little so that I could take the kids to the library. I put the baby in the Moby wrap and thought that I could hold Aidan's hand instead of making him sit in a stroller - I really want him to have some freedom now that he's getting older and thinks he's one of the big kids. I knew pretty much immediately that I'd made a mistake. The only thing Aidan was interested in was running away from me - out the automatic doors, behind the librarian's desk, anywhere he shouldn't be. If I tried to take his hand to guide him, he immediately turned to jello and dropped to the ground. With a baby strapped to my chest, it was very difficult to chase him, and even harder to try to carry him. But I had two kids who were choosing books, and then we had to wait a few minutes for the librarian to fix a mistake on our account. One of the nice librarians actually tried to help me, but there's not much you can do with a screaming child who is screaming hysterically and drops to the ground on contact. Luckily, I'm far past feeling embarrassed by my kids' behavior in public, but I was so frustrated that I was nearly in tears by the time we got out of there. Terrible twos, here we come!

I'm so grateful that when one child is being terrible, at least one child tries to be super good. We came home and put the baby in bed and I introduced the kids to the wonder of the Olympics. (I know, shame on me for not watching it with them sooner.) Sitting with Katie in the recliner while feeding the baby, with Carter playing next to us, we all cheered on our pick in the ski-cross competition. I sure love my kids and I'm beyond grateful to be home with them, but sometimes the challenges are almost too much for me.

More Home Improvements (why, oh, why?)

What on earth would possess a couple with a newborn and 4 other demanding children to take on a home improvement project? I could only guess that it's pure insanity (actually, for my part it's definitely insanity, but that's another story). John had Friday off, as well as Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, so we thought it would be a good time to tackle Katie's bedroom. Her room was actually in o.k. shape, but in dire need of a paint job, and new carpet, since the previous owners decided to spray-paint the walls and not bother to cover up the carpet. Her old carpet was in beautiful shaped except for the white paint around the edges.

We got a carpet remnant for a "smokin' deal," to quote the salesman, and in this case it actually was. And now that John has become an expert carpet installer, the whole thing was pretty cheap. We had to buy paint, the carpet, baseboards, miscellaneous hardware (light switch and outlet covers, new light fixture, a doorknob, nails) and we paid to rent a knee kicker for the carpet installation ($11 for the rental). It did take us the entire long weekend to complete the project, but it was actually our quickest project to date. Still, we're glad to have it done.

Here's what the room looked like before:

Here's what it looked like last night before we moved the bed and dresser back in:

I guess maybe it looks like we're moving backwards, but believe me, it's much improved. The carpet is thick and soft, and the colors are neutral and soothing. And I love the new carpet/fresh paint smell when I go in there. Katie lost the top of her bunk bed to Carter and will be gaining a new roommate - we'll be putting a crib in there for Baby Zach. I've got some fun decorating ideas that I'm excited to get going on, so I'll wait to post more pictures until there's something cute to show. (So expect more pictures sometime in 2012.)

In the meantime, I've been feeling guilty about never posting pictures of my completed bedroom. I've been holding off because I haven't done my window treatment yet, and I can't seem to figure out what to put on my dresser. But for now, I'll show you the most exciting part for me, which is my beautiful bed:

I absolutely adore it and its 11 pillows, about which I have to hear constant complaining from my husband. That's probably because they spend so much time on the floor, I'm ashamed to admit. But from what I hear, all husbands with multiple pillows on their beds like to complain about them. It's worth it to me.

Guess that's it for now. I'm working on restoring order to the rest of our house, since it was badly neglected while we worked on Katie's room this weekend. The chaos just about led to a total emotional breakdown, but I think I'm feeling better now that I've had some time to clean. Of course there's always more to do, and a baby to feed. So, ta-ta for now!