A list

There's a lot I'd like to blog about right now, but if I'm going to get it out there, it'll have to be abbreviated. So here's a list of the things on my mind, in no particular order:

• I started a diet, specifically, the South Beach diet. Have you tried it? I'm not a diet person. I've tried counting calories a few times (with no real success as far as weight loss goes). And remember Body for Life? I did that for a long time back when it was popular. Now days, I prefer to exercise and eat reasonably and leave the scale out of it. Unfortunately, that took a bad turn lately and my poor eating habits, total lack of exercise, and a certain medication led to a weight gain that I can't live with. Rather than continue down the path to obesity, which is a real possibility, I decided I'd better turn things around. I've completed a full week of phase 1 of the diet, which pretty much eliminates all sugar, including fruit, and limits carbs to vegetables. So I'm on a protein & veggie diet. A week ago I would not have believed that I could go 7 days without sugar of any kind, but I did it people! Yay for me! And I feel so good! I'm trying to change the way I think about food so that I can make this a lifestyle change, rather than a quick weight loss scheme that ends in gaining it all back. (This does not mean I'll be giving up sugar for life. Let's not go crazy here!)



• So you know that weight gain I mentioned? I hate to even admit this, but I can't fit into any of my shorts or capris from last year, and I've been really upset about it. Today I decided to get over it and get myself some clothes that fit. One trip to my favorite store, Ann Taylor Loft, and a couple bucks later, and I now have a few pairs of shorts and some cute capris that actually go over my hips and don't cut off my circulation. I feel better about myself already, and I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't have to go up sizes and sizes to find things that fit. And I got some really good deals! The shorts & capris were only $25, and I had a coupon that dropped them to $21. Awesome!



• I've been reading lately. It feels amazing! I have had to let things go even more than usual, but I love the escape into a good book. It's been worth it, too. I'm almost done with The Poisonwood Bible, a favorite of my good friend Becky that I've been wanting to read for years. I highly recommend it if you haven't read it already!



• I haven't sewn in ages, partially because of the reading. I feel guilty doing anything that doesn't work toward a cleaner home or happy family members (excluding myself, of course), so reading has trumped sewing. Until Friday, when I stumbled upon a new blog. I found some really cute tutorials on Made by Rae. This is the Buttercup Bag: The tutorial is free and it sews up really fast! I'm going to take it apart and add some fusible fleece to make it a little sturdier, but it was a fun project that got my creative juices flowing and made me smile. If you're interested, I'm considering buying the license to sell this and another of her bags, so I'd love to make you one. :)

• I was feeling crafty after sewing my new purse, and I realized that I was in charge of sharing time Sunday, aka Mother's Day. So I decided to have the kids make tissue paper flowers for their moms. Little did I know the men were planning on taking over primary for the third hour of church. (Soooo glad they did! But maybe they should have told us?) I had to rush through the flowers with the little kids, and the older kids who wanted them stayed after for a minute to make them. I'd planned for 3 flowers per child, so if you want to make tissue paper flowers, come on over! I've got a lot of extra tissue paper squares, all cut and ready to go...



• My Mother's Day was good. I slept for a few extra minutes while my hubby made breakfast: waffles for the kids and eggs and bacon for the dieting wife. I got flowers. (Yay! I love flowers!) And we went to dinner at Outback Steakhouse, because I looooove steak, and I can eat it on my diet. Plus, I didn't have to cook or clean up. Perfect! Also, since I actually got to go to Relief Society with the other women at church, I was privileged to hear some inspirational thoughts about mothers. My favorites came from a neighbor of mine who is always kind and supportive. She told all of us moms with young kids that she remembers how hard it was to be in our shoes and that she knows how hard we work and how hard we try to be good moms. It meant a lot to me. I often feel, especially at church, like women who've already raised their kids are watching me and wondering why I don't have it more together. Her words were exactly what I needed.



• Mother's Day is also a sad day in our home. It's a strong reminder of Tanner's loss, now almost 3 years ago. I held him and tried to comfort him for the first hour of church. He finally decided to go home, and I stayed with my tear-stained face. My heart broke for him. I can only imagine how sad I would have been yesterday if my mom weren't around anymore, and I'm 35. He's only 14, and it's just not fair. That's about all I can say about that. Tanner did wish me a happy Mother's Day later, and that made me feel really good.



• My favorite gift yesterday was one that Katie made at school. Here it is: I love that I'm 7 feet tall and weigh only 80 pounds. But my favorite part is that I don't like to clean. She wrote that because every time I ask the kids for help around the house, they tell me they don't like to clean and get an earful from me about how much I enjoy it. But it was quite comical reading that I don't like to clean, sitting in my disaster of a house. I let things go a lot this weekend, and it was just perfect timing. I'm excited to find this when I'm 65 and remember what things were like now.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day! Thanks for dropping by!

Washing the clothes is fun to do...

...fun to do, to do, to do. Drying the clothes is fun to do, to do, to do, to do. At least now that I've added these babies to my appliance collection! Meet my new washer:

and my new dryer:We've had the same washer and dryer since we got married, when my mother-in-law was sweet enough to buy us a brand new pair. For years now, John's been suggesting that we get new machines, and I've turned him down because ours have had zero problems. Zero! (I found out how amazing this is when we started researching online and reading horror stories of breakdowns and repair bills.) Then my mom and sister surprised me with a laundry room makeover for my birthday. They commented that my washer is one of the smallest they've seen, and no wonder I'm always behind on laundry! So we began our search for new machines. John read every review of every washer and dryer in the U.S. and combed KSL and Craig's List nightly for a few weeks. Finally we headed to Home Depot to look for ourselves. We decided what we like, and what capacity and features we needed. We were lucky enough to find both machines on KSL from two different stores. The washer is used, but I can't even tell, and the dryer is brand new. And the good news is that we spent the same amount for both that we would have for just one at the store. Hurray!

I've never minded laundry. In fact, once Katelyn was born, I thought it was fun to fold her cute little clothes into little pink piles. Now my piles are mostly black and blue, but I still don't mind the washing and folding. (Especially since folding laundry is a great excuse to sit down for a second and watch Dancing With the Stars!) What I can't stand is putting it all away. Seriously, I've got piles for seven people, plus all the associated towels, sheets, blankets, etc. It drives me crazy!

But before I get to that awful putting-away step of the process, I now get to load up the washer with 3 times what I could fit into the old one, put the detergent in the cool little drawer on the front, watch it figure the load size and marvel at how much laundry constitutes only 3 of 4 bars, try to guess exactly how many minutes the machine will tell me the cycle will take, and then listen to the cute little song the washer chimes at me when it's done. Then I get to load the dryer up and decide which of my settings to use and wait for its cute little song. Fun fun!

Oh, there's the chime now..........time to switch loads!

Sometimes I feel like a sad song.....

(Do you know that song by John Denver? LOVE that song!) As usual, I've been dying to post on my blog, but I'm torn. I don't want to be that person you know who always complains about some ailment and never seems to be doing well. So I've settled for being the person who smiles and says she's doing well and doesn't offer any details. Which is better? I think most of the time the latter is best - usually when people ask how you're doing, there's not time to go into detail, and no one wants to hear a negative response. (I can just hear Eeyore's glum voice in my head.) However, yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine. She recently suffered a miscarriage, and we were sharing our stories. She said that a lot of people "suffer in silence." I wanted to scream out something, anything. I have felt like that for so long now! I know I've mentioned it here more than once, but I just don't dare talk too much. And when I'm with my close friends, I don't want to talk about it because I feel uplifted by their presence. What's the point in dragging myself back down and taking them with me? The only people I really discuss my depression with are those who have suffered or are suffering themselves and can understand. I do talk to my husband about it, but I think it gets old for both of us. What husband wants to come home every day to hear the same old story of his wife's depression and how black everything is? Besides, when he's home I tend to feel better. I get a reprieve from handling the kids by myself and I don't feel so lonely. Plus, he does his best to make me laugh constantly, and he's good at it! So where am I going with all of this? Today I'm talking about it - my depression. Yes, I'm still seeing a counselor and taking meds and trying to change my thought patterns. And there are days, even a week at a time, when I feel much better. Unfortunately I've been in a real slump this past week, and feeling almost worse than before. (I'm sure going back to the 69-degree weather and sunshine would help!) So instead of suffering in silence, I'm sharing my feelings. One of my favorite songs is Ghost by Indigo Girls. I've turned to this song over and over since I first heard it during my freshman year at the Y. It has meant different things to me at different times. Here are a few of my favorite lines:

There's a letter on the desktop

that I dug out of a drawer -

the last truce we ever came to

in our adolescent war.

And I start to feel a fever

from the warm air through the screen.

You come regular like seasons,

shadowing my dreams.

Well the Mississippi's mighty,

and it starts in Minnesota,

at a place that you can walk across

with five steps down.

And I guess that's how you started,

like a pinprick to my heart,

but at this point you rush right through me

and I start to drown.

And there's not enough room

in this world for my pain.

Signals cross, and love gets lost,

and time passed makes it plain.

................

And I feel it like a sickness,

how this love is killing me.

But I'd walk into the fingers

of your fire willingly,

and dance the edge of sanity,

I've never been this close.

Unknowing captor, you'll never know how much you

pierce my spirit, but I can't touch you.

Can you hear it - a cry to be free?

I'm forever under lock and key,

as you pass through me.

......................

...as I burn up in your presence

and I know now how it feels

to be weakened like Achilles,

with you always at my heels.

And my bitter pill to swallow

is the silence that I keep.

It poisons me, I can't swim free,

the river is too deep.

You are shadowing my dreams.

OK, I feel like I've massacred the song, just including the pertinent lyrics. But I wanted to share with you one of my favorite songs, at the same time giving you a really good idea of what's going on in my head. Seriously, these words are just perfect for how I feel! (I'd include a link so you can listen to it, but I don't know how.) I totally understand the power of music. I've thought more than once that maybe instead of finishing my piano performance degree I should get a degree in music therapy, or some such thing. Music can be so powerful in affecting our moods and making us feel better, or worse. this song is at the top of my cry-my-heart-out-to-it songs. (You know what I'm talking about.) But I can only listen to it when I'm having a good cry, or when I feel great and want to do some top-of-my-lungs car singing. If I'm feeling even a little down, it'll bring me down further. That's when I go to my happy songs. I'll share one of those with you next time.......

Body Image Dissonance

I have always loved TLC's What Not to Wear. I love to shop, so of course there's the part where you get to watch someone shop in cool stores in Manhattan. Then there's the hair and makeup segment, which is definitely my favorite. I really do follow Carmindy's makeup tips when they're doable. And boy do I wish that Nick Arrojo or Ted Gibson would give me a super cute haircut that suits my face and personal style perfectly. Oh, the fun of living vicariously through people on TV! And I swear to you that Stacy and Clinton really care about helping people to feel comfortable and happy in their bodies. If only I could accidentally run into them shopping. I'd ask them for a few tips and they'd tell me what a rockin' bod I have and show me some hints to make it look even better. Ahhhhh.....

Last night the show introduced me to a mommy blog I didn't know exists, parenting BY dummies. I checked it out and read the last couple of entries. Amanda's writing comes across exactly as mine sounds in my head - sarcastic and self-denigrating, but humorous at the same time. That and the fact that she's super cute and always smiling, and writes about being a mom and has three little boys, will make me a regular reader I think. One of the things Amanda seems to talk about frequently on her blog is the issue of body image. This prompted me to think about my own body image, and I think I made a discovery. I have two very separate, and very opposite, trains of thought when it comes to how I feel about my body.

On one hand, after 35 years of being me, I finally feel at peace with what I look like. I can even tell myself that I like what I see in the mirror, that I'm beautiful (on a good day). I'm OK with the wrinkles that are beginning to deepen. I no longer think I need a nose job, despite the 2 times my nose has been broken by one of my children. I don't ever want a face lift. I've accepted the fact that going gray early is a family trait, and I can deal with it. (Thank goodness my sister is a hairdresser!) I am no longer plagued with "bad hair days" like I was in high school and college. My hair is what it is, whether it's perfectly straight and shiny, cute and curly, or pulled back in a greasy messy pony tail because I don't have time to worry about it and who the heck cares! I can run to Walmart with no makeup on and not care who sees me or what anyone thinks. (Although I have wondered if I should check peopleofwalmart.com for pictures of myself. Nah, I probably don't want to know...) Or I can get all dolled up, put on a pair of skinny jeans and my cutest boots, and go out with my husband, all the time strutting my stuff and knowing that, while I'm not a skinny little 20-something hotty, I've got it going on! See, I'm pretty comfortable in my skin. And I think by the time we reach our mid-thirties, we deserve to be.

But on the other hand, I've got serious issues with my weight. I am at the heaviest I've been if you don't count pregnancies. I feel things jiggle when I move that have never jiggled before. I want to vomit every time I feel my thighs rubbing when I walk. (Seriously, I remember losing weight after baby #2 and getting to the point where my thighs didn't touch anymore. Oh, the bliss! [And probably way too much info. Sorry! And sorry for the parentheses within parentheses.]) I cringe when I hear the term "muffin top" - it just hits too close to home. I see liposuction commercials and I start thinking up ways to come up with the money. And yes, I realize that diet and exercise really are the best ways to deal with these issues. But right now, I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I will get back to working out. And I will learn a better way to deal with my emotions than to eat them away. Really, I will. And I don't mean any of this in a "poor me, I'm so fat" kind of way. I've simply gained weight and I don't like how it feels.

So you see the dissonance now. I feel like I'm finally comfortable with my looks, and yet I'm completely uncomfortable in my body. Interesting.

Now back to the show. Watching Stacy and Clinton with Amanda last night reminded me of something that I know all too well. I feel better about myself when I take care of myself. My mood is better when I have on a cute outfit, or at least matching clothes that aren't sweats or jammies. And doing something, anything, to my hair and putting on a little makeup does wonders for my self esteem. It's funny. Really, I don't think about it or care when I'm interacting with people at stores (like Walmart, where I may or may not be being photographed), but when I look decent, I feel better no matter where I am, whether anyone else can see me or not. So today I washed my hair, diffused it so it's got some bounce and curl to it, put on a touch of makeup, and I'm wearing jeans and a real top - not the cutest, trendiest clothes I own, but clean (that's important!) and reasonably cute to me. And I feel better than I have all week. Yay me! And thank you, What Not to Wear, for wanting me and everyone else out there to feel good about ourselves!

See, my TV addiction isn't all bad.........

Mondays

Do you know how much surface area a gallon of milk covers? Well trust me when I tell you that you don't want to know. I thought I was getting ahead by running to the grocery store right before dinner time, especially since I only had one kiddo with me. The shopping went well -- five-year-olds can be really helpful when they're with mom one on one. And I was getting everything I need for this week's menu. Yay! Except five-year-olds are also prone to clumsiness. Hence, the gallon of milk that slipped out of Carter's hands and immediately burst open when it hit the ground. Let's just say that the spill extended past the gum and candy bars to the beginning of the checkstand, and was starting to drown me where I stood, next to the counter, trying to quickly unload the cart so we could get it out of the way. The clerks were sweet and helpful, and even got me a new milk to replace the one covering the floor. I was oh so apologetic and felt bad about all the trouble. And really, that's all I needed to cap off my Monday.

Here's to hoping tomorrow goes better........

Hello....again. Hello.

(Can you hear Neil Diamond singing that phrase? And the whole rest of the song? Keep it playing in your mind....)

Three years ago I wrote this post about clawing my way back up after a particularly difficult winter. I'm feeling much now like I did then - like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like maybe I can start to handle my life again. Except this time I've been hiding away, buried in the depths, for a year or maybe 13 months. I had Zach a little over 13 months ago, and I could tell within a few weeks of having him that I was not coming out of the normal baby blues and hormonal chaos of having a baby in a reasonable amount of time.

Things changed drastically when Zach was born. There's the whole going from 4 kids to 5 thing, and having two boys only 16 months apart. I went from very little sleep (the 16-month-old has never really slept through the night) to almost no sleep at all. And I became somewhat of a hermit. I quit doing my preschool music group, which was a good decision because I could not have handled it! And I stopped going to story time at the library, or the library at all for that matter. I did take one trip with the kids to the library shortly after Zach was born. I had the baby in the Moby wrap, and Aidan decided to flip out. It was a terrible experience, and I haven't entered a library with my children since. Before Zach, I felt like I ran from one place to the next constantly. We always had something to do and somewhere to be. After Zach, everything seemed too difficult. I planned to start going to my friends' preschool music classes and enjoy someone else doing all of the planning and organizing while I simply attended to my kids. Yet I haven't made it to a single one. Turns out there's no "simply attending to" energetic boys ages 1, 2, and 5. I've stopped almost completely doing the things that I enjoy. I rarely, if ever, play the piano. I don't sew nearly as often as I'd like. I don't read at all. And obviously, I haven't been blogging.

There have been times I've just wanted to scream out loud, "Please help me! I can't handle this!" But most of the time I prefer to remain silent, to smile and say I'm well when people ask me at church. I know I've mentioned a couple times on my blog that I'm struggling, but it really seems whiny. After all, what can anyone else do for me anyway? I don't even know what to do for myself!

I've tried a couple of medications and I think I've finally found one that's working for me. I also added counseling a few months ago, which is probably the most helpful thing. And I finally feel like I'm turning a corner. Things that seemed nearly impossible to me a few months ago (like keeping my kitchen clean for longer than 5 minutes) seem much more do-able now. I even read an entire book in January, and I'm working on finishing another.

So I'm slowly working my way back into life. I started a baby blanket today - one of my favorite activities! And here I am.......blogging! Wow, I've missed this. Of course, don't expect too much too soon. I still have catastrophes like this to deal with every ten minutes or so, so I'll be kind of busy for a while:

Zach is quite proud of himself for climbing into the toilet. I'm hoping taking pictures and laughing my head off won't reinforce the behavior!

MFT #4: FlyLady

There's nothing better than a clean house. Don't you agree? I love to walk into my bedroom and see my bed made and everything in its place. And it's soooo nice to walk into the kitchen and see a clean floor, gleaming counters, and a bright shiny sink.

I decorated my house for Christmas yesterday - we even got a tree and decorated it for family night! - and I used it as an excuse to do a deep cleaning in the living room. I vacuumed under and behind furniture, scrubbed our microfiber (thank goodness for microfiber!) couch and recliner, and polished the piano and end tables. I cleaned all of the glass and every nook and cranny. Man, it feels so good!

I try to keep up on this stuff, but I've felt very overwhelmed since having Zach almost a year ago. With a baby who's been walking for a few months now and getting into EVERYTHING, and a 2-year-old who also gets into everything but has learned more tricks and can cause enormous disasters in mere moments, I've got a lot going on. I'm really struggling to keep up. Enter FlyLady.

Some of her tips are pretty elementary, but I like the routine she suggests and it really helps when you're feeling like you're in over your head like I am right now. To make it more fun, my sister Cassie is doing it with me. We're doing the beginner baby steps together and we talk and text to keep each other updated. It helps to have a partner to report to.

So I assume that most of you have your act together enough that you have no need for such things. But I have to admit, because I like to keep it real, that I don't. But I want to. I reeeeaaaallly want to. So I'm working on it. And things are getting better.

Just in case, though, give me a call before you drop by. :)