Change

When I worked in banking, we had many upgrades in our computer systems, and each time I would help to train emloyees at other branches on the new systems. I could never understand why the older women in banking were so resistant to change. They would moan and groan about having to learn something new, and it took them forever to grasp the new programs. (This sounds mean and like I'm stereotyping, but just go with me for a minute.) Well, it seems that in the past year, I have aged a ton! I was so excited to move to Spokane. I don't think it took me long to aquaint myself with the city and get into a routine with the kids. Well, fast forward one year. If I had acted on my feelings a week ago, I would have dug my fingernails into the carpet in our Spokane house and held on for dear life. John would have had to drag me out screaming and crying. Luckily for both of us, I was more composed than that, if only slightly, and here I am in Salt Lake (West Valley, actually, but let's call it Salt Lake for now). I should feel like I've come home, since I've lived ten years of my adult life here, but I feel like a foreigner. It has now been nine days since our arrival, and I have actually gone two days without crying. We have every last box emptied and I was starting to feel at home until I ventured out to go to church this morning. We walked the block and a half to church and I survived the entire ordeal, including Katelyn crying through Sacrament meeting because she didn't want to go to Primary, and then crying through the entire building as I tried to find her class. I was fine in the nursery, where Carter clung desperately to me for the first 25 minutes. I was dealing pretty well until we walked home. I was picturing making this walk for the next five years and trying to imagine it ever feeling like home. We turned the corner and Katelyn spotted our house and yelled, "There's our house!" Walking up to our door and going inside, I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience. This is my home?

I know that things are going to get better. There are so many things that we love about our house already, even with all of the work to be done. And we are so excited to be here where we can see our family again and hang out with our old friends. I'm sure I'll find a new rhythm here, and change is always a growing experience. I just feel like I'm an old lady, bracing myself against this transition and holding onto the past as tightly as I can. I hope that I can let go a little this week and learn to love our new "home".